Taking it one emotional bump at a time.
It’s that time of the month when I’m more emotional than usual. More sad. More stressed. More angry. More prone to tears, what ifs, and blank stares.
Recently, a long-time and very dear friend of mine named Jenny sent me an email that carries important words, and good advice. I asked her permission to share it with you all, and she agreed.
So, for any of you out there who are feeling, have felt, or will feel the same way I do right now, maybe you’ll find something here that helps you turn it around, or just to deal with it more effectively. Or maybe just to make it through another day without feeling like giving up.
**************
I know you didn’t ask for any advice, and so against my better judgment I’m going to offer some without solicitation, and I hope you’ll forgive me for doing so. You know my story, you know about all my failed pregnancies. Five years ago, I was struggling. My life wasn’t turning out like I wanted. I had dead babies instead of living ones. I had no answers and no health insurance to help me find answers. I had crazy moods and baby hamster hairballs in the shower drain and an empty womb and it wasn’t what I had planned. All my friends were on their 3rd or 4th child by then. I was tired of going to other people’s baby showers. I was broken hearted every time I looked in the spare closet and saw baby clothes and gear staring back at me, taunting me with their uselessness. I absolutely hated to hear any pregnant woman complain about her nausea, her swollen feet, her tiredness- what I would give for any of that. After the hopefulness that came with each positive pregnancy test, came the fear of loss, the inevitable emotional investment and hope, and then the emptiness of actual loss.
Then came this moment where I could see clearly: While I really do believe that most of the pain of the human experience is self-inflicted, some things are truly beyond our control. My life is not always about my choices. Things happen to us, and we get no say in how they turn out. What could I do about my childbearing life at that point? Could I change history, or even my obstetrical future? No. The situation was out of my hands. But the great realization was about gratitude. Could I hold my babies and raise them and nurse them? No, but I had other opportunities that my friends with little babies did not: I could go out of the house for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. Heck, I could go out of town if I wanted. I could give blood, and do upside down yoga poses. I could make love to my husband without the let-down reflex squirting breast milk everywhere. I could work and take night classes. I could sky dive and ride roller coasters.
I couldn’t control what was happening to my body. I had to resort myself to the fact that 1- I may never know what is causing this to happen, and 2- I may never give birth to another living child. Rather than dwelling on those uncontrollable elements, I chose to focus on what I did have. The summation of the realization for me was this: Be grateful for what you have, when you have it.
I could spend my time and energy wanting what I couldn’t have, wishing for something beyond my control, hoping for karma or God to sort out the kinks and make everything right, or I could make the most of what I had right then, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped. I realized that no matter what life is handing me, I have a multitude of blessings to make the journey pleasant, even wonderful, if I choose to see them. Life is fluid, ever changing and shifting. I would not always be in the place, emotionally, mentally, that I was in then. Who’s to say if I’d be in a better one or not, that is also out of my hands to a degree. I knew that if I did have another child, I would have a host of other challenges, as well as blessings to appreciate. But for now, this is what I had. And I owed it to my husband and living children who were depending on me, and to God who gives me each day, to make it count for something. If not, life would end up passing me by while I hoped for what was around the corner. Be thankful for what you have, when you have it.
Again, know that I care and I want you to feel well and whole. If I’m full of crap, you won’t hurt my feelings to 1- roll your eyes and hit delete, or 2- write me back in all caps and tell me how wrong I am.
*********
Of course, I didn’t roll my eyes. I nodded and cried. And now I look back at these words often.
I think I’m going to take Braden to the park on Thursday and watch him run around and remember that the day he was born to me, whole and alive, was such a special blessing. Every day after that with him (even the tough ones) has been another special blessing in and of itself. There’s really nothing bad that can happen that can ever take from me the great gift of everything I’ve experienced so far with my son. So many wonderful things and moments – there’s no way to catalog them.
Today, I am thankful for that. And remembering to be thankful for that makes the other stuff easier to deal with.
Baby steps.
Thank you, dear friend.
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rachel
I’m crying just reading this.
Your friends are a reflection of you, and Lotus, she sounds like an amazing person and friend.
you are truly blessed and I believe you are being utilized for a purpose beyond our understanding.
Thank you for sharing this, and thank you to Jenny for being brave and wonderful enough to write this and allow you to share it.
rachels last blog post..What A Difference a Year Makes
lceel
There are times when kids will make it hard. My kids do that, from time to time. But I read you EVERY day. And I see Braden and he makes me remember when my boys were MY Bradens.
And I see you when you ache for another child. And I hear you when you mourn your recent loss. We’ve been through all of that, too.
But you make me remember my boys when they were babies.
I wish I could be as much comfort to you, as you are to me.
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Twitter: lceel
lceel
Holy Crap!! I’m First. No caps. No requests for pictures of THE RACK. I’m just feeling so cool right now. I am first.
lceels last blog post..One buff mama
Twitter: lceel
lceel
Wait. Where did that other comment come from? It wasn’t there before!!! Foul!! I cry Foul!!!
and i’m not first anymore *sniff* *whine* *SOB*
lceels last blog post..One buff mama
Twitter: lceel
Just Jinny
I am crying and nodding too. For real..here..see those tears?
I have to sometimes make the effort to thank God for all the blessings I DO have instead of cursing God for the blessings I don’t have.
Some days are much easier than others.
Just Jinnys last blog post..Sleepy Beauty..
Ashley @ mrs007.net
Don’t you just love it when someone says the right thing at the right time?
Ashley @ mrs007.nets last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Kisses
Cassandra Rae
That is the most beautiful piece of unsolicited advice I’ve ever read! Thank you for sharing it.
Cassandra Raes last blog post..Funeral for a Flower {part 3}
Tracy
Beautiful. And so true. Thank you for sharing this…
Tracys last blog post..Numb
Anna Ellis
Oh Lotus… you do have so many things to be thankful for. I was just weeping as I read that. Realizing myself, I really do have things to be thankful for.
Braden is a healthy handsome little boy. He is a miracle. William is a healthy handsome little boy. He is a miracle as well.
I’m going to pray for you tonight Lotus. I will pray that the next pregnancy go smooth and with out any complications, cause you deserve yet another miracle.
We Love you.
pgoodness
Now THAT is a good friend. And smart. Hugs to you (and her)
pgoodnesss last blog post..meh
Twitter: Pgoodness
Dani
I try to live by a simple rule; Never mourn for what I’ve lost, be grateful for what I’ve had.
Your friend is a good egg. Keep her close.
ilinap
Wow, what words. What a friend. I will try really,really hard to remember this when my boys are running wild breaking lamps in the house. Truly, the dirt and noise beats the alternative. Thanks for the reminder.
A Jill of All Trades
Wow. I teared up reading this.
What she wrote was very compelling and has a powerful message. It is something I always try to remind myself of when things get tough with Aidan or when life in general gets tough.
There will be many bumps in the road and many wrong turns made, but I have to realize that it’s the journey I am destined to make, whatever the outcome may be.
Just try to relax and let fate take the wheel.
A Jill of All Tradess last blog post..Project Support Beauty in Nature
Half-Past Kissin' Time
I’m not crying. (Guess I’m just a hardass; aren’t you proud of me?!) But seriously, this is a beautiful post. Sounds like your friend is someone else to be thankful for…
Half-Past Kissin’ Times last blog post..Saving Face
Elaine
What a great friend. And she’s so right…
Elaines last blog post..Money-Saving Tip {tee hee}
Junebug
I’m going to have to say that is one of the best answers I have ever read. Great job to your friend. And that is a friend indeed!
Sarah
Your friend is very smart, caring and loving. I’m glad that she let you share her email with us all. We all need to be reminded to count our blessings and be happy with what God has already graced us with. Me included. Thanks for the reminder! <3
Sarahs last blog post..Things I have
Maggie's Mind
I say little on this subject to you for my own good reasons, and I am glad your friend said some of it. I just deleted the whole long ass rest of what I was going to say – doesn’t matter. Please just go hug the man and child that you do have in your life knowing that they are blessings. That is all.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Columbia River Gorge-ous-ness
Christine
Oh honey … I hate that you are dealing with this. I can honestly HONESTLY say that I completely understand – I lost mine around the same time you lost yours.
It’s true. Baby steps. I have a friend that just found out she’s pregnant and had her very first ultrasound. She didn’t want to “bore” her LiveJournal friends with the picture so she didn’t post it. I told her that ultrasounds are so not boring – they are wonderful! I have three baby showers to go to in the next 2 months – and I am a little wistful, although obviously happy for my friends. I just wish that instead of losing 10lbs in the past month and walking past the teeny-tiny baby clothes that had been pulled out of the attic for no reason I could be not only celebrating the impending arrival of their babies – but also my own.
I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan. He’s got it all worked out and He would not give me (or you) something to deal with that you can’t handle.
Hold Braden close and keep taking those wonderful photos. Someday, when it’s your time, you will have another to photograph.
Christines last blog post..Guess What Everyone!
Special K
Lotus this was me over the past 16 years. I never got that 2nd child and I mourned it, fretted over it, hated it but then I got my answer times two. Two little grandchildren who make my life worth living. There will be an answer let it be!!
HUGS
Special Ks last blog post..I don’t deserve this!
Athena
Amazing all the wonderful things around us every single day to be thankful for, isn’t it? All we have to do is open our eyes and our hearts to see them. Great advice from Jenny. (((((hugs)))))
xxoo
~A
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Allie
One step at a time, Lotus. You’re getting there.
Proud of you.
Allies last blog post..Are You There God? It’s Me, Allie
Veronica
Baby steps.
xx
Veronicas last blog post..Some Things Are Only Meant To Be Exit Holes
Taz
what lovely post..
thinking about you hun..
Tazs last blog post..Weekly Winners.. no. 7.
chotzie
i need a tissue.
your friend is a good doobie for sending that. Thanks for posting.
shannon
You are lucky that not only do you have such a good friend but that her timing was so perfect that you were at a point where you could be open to her message. Have fun in the park with Braden.
shannons last blog post..Wordless Wednessday – View From Our New Home
jill
Fortunately, we did not have to try very long to get pregnant, but I’m one of those perfectionists that just expected it to happen (while knowing better rationally of course), so the first few months I was angry and frustrated and then tried to force the hubs into bed during that special time to try and conceive. He told me in no uncertain terms that that wasn’t a good idea that he’d rather have it be because we loved each other and not because we were ‘trying’– and he was right. The things your friend said came to me and I just tried for a while to enjoy what life was giving, and I did. And then I got pregnant. And I try not to complain because I know there are those out there that would kill to be in my position. So I take each leaky bewb and odd cramp and giggle about it, because I know I have a gift waiting at the end. Sure it’s stinky and will whine way more than I’m capable of tolerating, but it’s a gift anyway. Like my freedom before this, I will revel in it and be glad.
jills last blog post..How healthy are your finances?…
AnnD
Your friend is both brilliant and a supberb writer! Her words are so powerful! She is right I suppose…when you break most people’s lives down I believe that 90% of it has been blessed. 10% of it is full of pain, loss and death of some sort. I’ve noticed that some people have a tendency to spend the majority of their time in that 10% of their life that has been the worst and forget about the other 90% that has been blessed.
I’m not saying you are or are not one of these people but your friends’ words are a reminder that we all need to focus more on what we already have and be grateful for the light in each of our lives.
AnnDs last blog post..Happy Birthday Daniel!
Lilacspecs
That is wonderful advice and such a healthy way to look at life. Thank you to your friend for sending this and to you for posting. It’s certainly a message to keep in mind during the hard and good times.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Blackberry Peach Smoothie, no added colors, really, I swear
Jacki
I’ve never gone through what you are, so I have nothing to tell you. Other than I’m sending hugs your way!
Jackis last blog post..Wining and Dining in Hanstholm
Mandy
Aw, that was a beautiful post. Sounds like you have a wonderful friend there, too.
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Angie
What a great friend with great advice:)
Angies last blog post..Hey! Another Honor!
Patsy Bain
I was reading through the other post and there isn’t anything I can add to what has been said. I do however have a Bible verse I want to share with you. I keep it on a 3×5 index card on my mirror to read each morning. *”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11* I lost my first husband over thirty years ago to cancer. At that time I didn’t understand why — still don’t, but I have a wonderful life now and God knew all along what would be. You have wonderful friends and a great support group —
Patsy Bains last blog post..Thursday Thirteen #7
Tatiana
My husband and i have been trying to concieve a child for a very long time and i am considered infertile (which by the way is one of the worst words in the english language). I am in grieving. I am not grieving over a loved ones death, or even death in general, i am greiving because i can’t create life. I go through a lot of different emotions everyday.I feel angry, and sad, and jealous, and guilty for feeling jealous, and guilty because i can’t get pregnant. I feel like i don’t want to see any pregnant women, i dont want to buy baby gifts for other people and somedays i could care less about pretending to be happy for other peoples great news of conception and birth! Every month we pray that its our month but we are always dissapointed. Andy rubs my belly and says ” is there a baby in there?”. It breaks my heart because the answer is always no. Lotus thank you so much for posting this email. I am going to print this and stick it in my purse for some my unbearable days.
Stella- Mountain Momma
Beautiful email and wonderful words.
Thank you for sharing.
Mrs. Schmitty
What a great friend!
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..Proof That I Am A Reincarnated Adolescent Boy
MommyCosm
WOW, such a good friend, one more reason for you to be thankful.
It’s not easy though, and is really a moment to moment process. Recently, someone reminded me of the saying:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change those that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I always think of people in AA using this as their mantra and never really stop to apply it to my own life…but taking it into context in my current struggles, well, it’s good stuff.
The accepting things I cannot change part is the hardest for me.
MommyCosms last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: So Very Wrong
Issa
Crying while reading this. It’s hard when you have bad days, months or years to look at the good. I’m just getting back to it, to remembering how good I really have it.
Thanks for posting this, it’s important to read.
Issas last blog post..Medicate or not medicate, this is the question.
Trina
That is a great friend!! Wise words. Thanks for posting!
Trinas last blog post..Saved 96% at Kroger!
Ree
{{nodding}} Such wise, wise words – words we all need to remember…
Rees last blog post..Read Down For the Title
rjlight
I remember reading one time that the opposite of anxiety and worry is gratitude. Obviously that is what you are reaching for.
rjlights last blog post..Scale
Allyson
Wow, what a powerful email. I’ve been there and dealt with those emotions. We adopted our little angel two and a half years ago after coming to terms with our infertility. He’s a beautiful gift.
Allysons last blog post..Just Savoring the Moments…
The Long and The Short of It
Beautifully written. Beautiful advice. Thank you for sharing it!
The Long and The Short of Its last blog post..Lies in Marriage
Tanya
That was beautiful and so true.
People forget how lucky they actually are.
Well done to the author and well done to you for wanting to share it with so many people who it will mean a lot to.
Beck
That is a good, good friend.
I am a bad, bad friend – I never answered the question in your last email to me. And the answer is of course I would. I’d be honoured.
Becks last blog post..Thursday Sapfest.
Rachael
What an amazing letter. Thank you for sharing it.
Rachaels last blog post..Lost without LOST
Twitter: rachael1013
kateanon
I’ve been in a similar spot to your friend and I am not sure I had half the sense she apparently does. How wonderful that you have a friend like that close to you.
kateanons last blog post..Love
Connie
What a great friend & such a blessing for you!
Connies last blog post..Happy 22cd Birthday Lydia
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing your friend’s kind and intelligent words.
Twitter: mommy_wins
Loralee
I have to remember things like this all the time or life and the pain that it brings with it would destroy me.
Of course, it still avalanches down on my head from time to time and I wallow in the black bitter pit for awhile, but then I haul myself out of the sludge and have a shower of gratitude.
I think everyone has times of bitterness and anger at some of the unfairness of life…It’s pulling yourself out of it that matters.
Loralees last blog post..Sideblog: Got links?
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