Ok, so. Since I’ve started talking about the death of this baby, I’ve been letting myself vomit all these emotions and feelings I’ve had onto The Internet. That’s infinitely cool and wonderful for me, personally, and you have all been so supportive. And I’ve been really glad of that. But I’ve also felt just a little, teeny bit uncomfortable, because some of you have said things that I feel give me far too much credit. Like that I’m really strong, or handling things with grace, etc.
And while I am incredibly touched by the kindness and love in those kinds of comments and messages, I have to be honest and tell you that I am really, really not strong or graceful. I’m just emotional and mouthy.
I let all these things flow because I’m weak, and needy, and insecure and unsure and I’m searching for meaning and grasping at anything that might make me feel better.
And I really have to do exactly what I always say I do (be honest and real here), or I’ll be a total asshole. Yes, I let myself be really emotional, and I am sharing with you guys these big, fat, weepy, sentimental thoughts I’ve been having.
I haven’t really typed any of the ugly yet.
Oh.Mah.Gah, the ugly feelings. The ugly, ugly thoughts I have. To be sure, I’m experiencing plenty of anger, shock, and bitterness. I am, by no means, immune to The Big Fat Ugly side of this whole thing.
In fact, I’m an Expert at The Big Fat Ugly.
The Oh So Not Strong OR Graceful Moments of late:
- On Thursdays they show shots of babies born that day, at a local hospital (the one at which Braden was born), on TV. I saw this the Thursday after finding out Fuzzball was dead, and busted out crying, snotting all over the couch, in a heap. When John came over to comfort me, I had the gall to wipe away my tears and tell him I was crying because those babies were so damn ugly. (Graceful much?)
- I was reading blog posts about ordinary things this past week… and seeing people complain about… regular stuff, and gee, that is normal and that is what we all do, yes? But right now, I am rolling in and out of The Ugly, Bitter Phase. I have been biting my fingers not to say things on these blog posts like, “Oh, Really? You’re upset b/c you’re leaking vaginally after you gave birth to a healthy baby? F YOU. I’m wearing pads and leaking after having my dead baby scraped out of me. Go hug your baby and shut up.” (And really, all apologies, b/c the post was great, there was nothing wrong with it at ALL. It’s just ME right now. I HATE feeling this way.)
- Braden has been really “2″ this past week. More than once I have just covered my face and ears and just started breathing really hard, instead of responding when he was freaking out about something. As if he doesn’t need me. As if I’M the child here. I don’t know what I’d do if John wasn’t home right now. (Strong? Hah.)
- I completely, totally, insanely lost it and shrieked at John about his french fry selection when he brought dinner home one night. Then I refused to sit anywhere near him for at least the next 10 minutes to teach him a lesson. Later, I realized what a douchebag I had been. FRENCH FRIES. Ugh.
- I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY cannot handle people saying ANYTHING to me about God right now. This includes how I should feel about/towards Him, how I should be reacting Faithwise, what He has planned for the future, or why He let this happen, etc. I know people don’t know WHAT to say at a time like this, and are just trying to help… but in all honesty (that’s what I’m trying to do here) I am PISSED OFF. I am REALLY REALLY hurt and REALLY REALLY mad right now. Please just let me be mad and hurt right now. I have a right to feel this way. I don’t know how long it will take before I work it out. But I AM SAD, MAD, AND CONFUSED.
For the record, I have not resented anyone else for being pregnant right now – or for actually having healthy babies. Seeing complaints about issues surrounding pregnancy/birth makes me twitch a little, yes. But there is no actual resentment.
Mostly, I just feel sorrow when I think about the ladies I was supposed to “have a baby” with.
Like her (the first baby I lost would have been close to the one she’s about to have).
And now, her – we were really excited, looking forward to dueling belly posts. And her, and her, and her, and her, and her, and her daughter.
And look at all these ladies on my Pregnancy Roundup. I had so many plans to do fun things for them, celebrations and updates and photos and… well, I just can’t do it now. I can’t make myself do it anymore, and that makes me all kinds of Angry.
It’s the Big Fat Ugly.
#1 by Redneck Mommy on December 23, 2008 - 1:36 AM
I share in your big fat ugly love. Big love to you.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..The Journey…Part Six
#2 by imaginary binky on December 23, 2008 - 1:37 AM
Yep. Substitute dead mother for dead baby, and you hit it right on target. Sometimes, I really wish we weren’t so much alike. ARGH.
So, ship me a bottle of those pills and let’s get this train a rollin’.
imaginary binkys last blog post..Writing ’scripts in an RV
#3 by Zoeyjane on December 23, 2008 - 1:44 AM
Dood. I don’t even know what to say except that the night after I was cleared for it, I got very drunk. And one time, I DID say that to a woman – the go hug your baby part. You’re doing better than I ever have.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..On the Not-So-Slaqueur Post
#4 by connie on December 23, 2008 - 1:52 AM
You have EVERY right to feel EVERY emotion you talked about here Lotus. Take all the time you need to sort things out & do it in your own way~everyone handles things differently. And, there’s no set timeline for healing to happen~you have to mourn & heal in your own time. Your bloggy friends are here to offer support in any way we can. Take care Lotus!
(((big hugs)))
connies last blog post..Merry CHRISTmas, Happy New Year & Bloggy break
#5 by Just a mom on December 23, 2008 - 1:53 AM
((((HUGGS))))
Know that I do not always comment BUT I ALWAYS think of you.
#6 by Fe on December 23, 2008 - 2:16 AM
Your honesty is humbling, Lotus. I, too, am not good at the “strong” stuff when faced with heartbreak and loss. It’s been 4.5 years since I last lost a baby to miscarriage, and when I expressed my “ugly” face …. my anger and sorrow and frustration, my partner left me.
There SHOULD be anger. There should be misplaced frustration. Without it, you will swallow it all in only to have it reappear later. This way you will heal. And I don’t mean that you will forget, or that the pain will go away (I can still feel the pain when I think about it) but that you will heal.
So vent as much as you like. And give John and yourself a hug from me because it sucks. And sometimes only a hug can help.
Oh, when people said to me “This is all part of God’s plan” or “God wanted the baby for an angel” or similar crap, I wanted to hit them. Hard. With a closed fist. And a knuckle-duster.
(too many words, I know. Hope you understand my sentiment)
Fes last blog post..Happy Christmas *cough* *cough*…
#7 by Christie on December 23, 2008 - 2:27 AM
Granted I am not in the same situation as you by any means, but I feel like I can relate. I’ve been trying to have baby #2 for 3 years with NO results. Everytime I hear someone is pregnant I get so angry and jealous.
We all have our ugly moments (or days, depending on the dilemma). As much as people might think it will help you feel better to use your faith, it really is one of the last things you want to hear about. You have the right to be mad at this point, be mad – get it out.
I hope you will be feeling better soon. It will never go back to “normal,” but you will have a new normal sometime, and I hope it comes soon for you. Sending love your way!
Christies last blog post..out of the mouths of babes…
#8 by Maggie's Mind on December 23, 2008 - 2:30 AM
First, big fat ugly hugs upon hugs upon hugs to you.
I won’t pretend to get what it is like in your shoes, but I share this just in case it still helps somehow from where I’ve been and am. If not, disregard.
I’m still figuring out how to act with grace, and I can’t always manage it, now matter how long it’s been. That you keep waking up and moving forward and not completely unleashing half the time you feel like it makes you stronger, even if you can’t see it yet. On the god thing? Few things make me more angry than unsolicited spiritual guidance. Or being told how to grieve. Or for how long. Or in what ways. Or in doing so what thoughts are morbid vs. normal. Or really pretty much anything other than just letting me experience the pain that is appropriate (and sometimes overboard actually *is* appropriate) for a human being who has been sucker punched and has had a part of themselves irretrievably stolen.
I’m not real proud of the big fat ugly thoughts that hit me this time of year, and I pretty much check out for the whole month of Mother’s Day because it *still* cuts into me 13 years after losing my mom and however many since the other unfair bullshit of not getting to be a mom.
The good news is that the incidents like the french fry thing you had going on up there seem to have gotten better overall. Way better. You will, too. In time. Your own time.
I’ve left a novel’s worth of comment, but all of it’s just to say that I’m thinking of you and that my heart still goes out to you and that I’m sending a bazillion or so more hugs. And that I still think you are strong and also that you are cute when you are mad and do the self portrait thingy.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners 12/21/08
#9 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 5:30 PM
@Maggie’s Mind,
I love your novel.
Really. Thank you so much for sharing your heart just now with me and everyone else here – it ripped mine out a little, but in a really good way.
You, my dear, are showing your strength and grace with humanity – thank you.
#10 by Taz on December 23, 2008 - 2:40 AM
thinking of you..
what ya feeling right now is completely normal…
i am here if ya need an hour..
only an email away..
big hugs..
Tazs last blog post..61 Weeks Old and 3 Weeks Old
#11 by Taz on December 23, 2008 - 2:40 AM
i meant to say ear.. sorry hun
Tazs last blog post..61 Weeks Old and 3 Weeks Old
#12 by Sarah @ TM2TS on December 23, 2008 - 2:51 AM
The “ugly” emotions are a part of the healing process. You’re supposed to feel them. Yeah, they’re not fun, but it reminds you that you’re still here, even if sometimes you feel like you don’t want to be.
No one expects you to be upbeat and happy right now. No one expects you to even be nice right now. I know, from the stories from my parents, when they lost my brother (I lived in another state, and knew nothing of what was going on), both of them were angry with the world, and yelled at each other, A LOT, not because they blamed each other but because of the pain making them react in different ways.
Okay, I’m gonna shut up now, because I could attempt to write flowery words forever and still fail.
But *yay* feed works again
#13 by Veronica on December 23, 2008 - 3:58 AM
I know sweetheart, we were all meant to be doing this together. Sometimes life just sucks ass.
xxx
Veronicas last blog post..Assvice for the week.
#14 by jennyonthespot on December 23, 2008 - 4:03 AM
Just here. Thinking of you… This is your grief. Your pain… blast, feel and scream away… It seems all these ladies adore you and would do anything to support you through this very personal journey… me too. My heart aches as you share. {hugs}
jennyonthespots last blog post..Awesome of All Awesomeness.
#15 by Lilacspecs on December 23, 2008 - 4:19 AM
*shrugs*
Everyone is entitled to some ugly.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Immigrant Hell Revisited…Again
#16 by Deb on December 23, 2008 - 4:49 AM
Thank you for sharing the ugly with us. It makes me feel more normal. Wow, that sounds shitty, but I think you know what I mean.
For the record, I think it is ok to get pissed about French Fries. Been there, done that, and will definitely do it again.
xoxo
Debs last blog post..Deb’s Weird 4 am thoughts…
#17 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 5:31 PM
@Deb,
It doesn’t sound shitty in the very least. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
#18 by Jeanette on December 23, 2008 - 5:13 AM
(((HUGS))) nothing we say will make the pain go away, only time will numb it. Believe me, I know
Jeanettes last blog post..Some family photos
#19 by Leanne on December 23, 2008 - 5:53 AM
Sorry if the “strong” comment pissed you off. I still think you are though, it takes a lot of strength to let it out. My aunt lost two children and was always too worried about upseting the people around her to get it out of her system properly.
I say fuck em, scream your head off if you feel like it.
Leannes last blog post..Love of Winter
#20 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 1:30 PM
@Leanne,
Oh, it most certainly did NOT piss me off. I was afraid I would fail at getting this across properly… what I intended to communicate was that I feel it gives me too much credit – it makes me feel like I’m saying I’m strong by not admitting that I have all of these really weak, angry moments that I haven’t been talking about yet. So I wanted to make sure I was being totally honest with all of you. If you still want to think I’m strong, well, that’s fine. But I was feeling uncomfortable because I thought it (the compliments) might be coming from not seeing my ugly side… and I was feeling like a douchebag for only sharing part of my experience/feelings so far.
I am really thankful for everything everyone has said to me. I only get the ugly feelings when someone tells me how to feel. Or that this is all part of some grand plan. That’s the only thing that makes me angry – and not even angry at that person, but at the idea of what’s being said, because I disagree, and because I’m in a really ugly place right now.
Oh, the humanity.
Heh.
#21 by Vic on December 23, 2008 - 7:14 AM
The big fat ugly part is good – it’s all part of the process. god is good, God is bad, mainly he just screws us around in the hope that we come out of it more faithful. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way it’s shit.
You may also have found the perfect reaction to a freaking out child. Will test it on the four year old and let you know.
*Hugs*
Vics last blog post..Pay it Forward (Take 2)
#22 by Ashlie- Mommycosm on December 23, 2008 - 7:30 AM
We take the funny Lotus with the UGLY. No worries.
Dude, you have every right to be pissed off, irrational and act like a child. Yes, you’re Braden’s mom, but you need moments to take care of yourself too. I’d be more worried about you if you didn’t freak out and be a bitch.
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Letter to Mother Nature
#23 by Andy Bailey on December 23, 2008 - 7:42 AM
you see, this post is why I come here regularly. You may not think you’re strong or any kind of authority on being emotionally superior but you do have a talent for putting your thoughts into words on a blog.
those words are the kind that other people who get pissed off, resentful and mad and bad can read and realize how they’re not the only one who feels these things now and then. (except me of course, because, like I’m, like, totally emotionally mature) fnah!!
Andy Baileys last blog post..Wordpress for business bloggers book review
#24 by Allie on December 23, 2008 - 8:08 AM
Totally love you more now. I think in the future, should John piss you off for whatever reason – just hand him a French fry to fully explain your frustrations.
#25 by Amanda on December 23, 2008 - 8:24 AM
I think you’re doing amazing, Lotus. Being angry is part of the grieving process and unfortunately the ones we love usually get the brunt of it. You’re doing exactly what you should be doing.
Amandas last blog post..Tuesdays with Dorie – Buttery Jam Cookies
#26 by AnnD on December 23, 2008 - 9:10 AM
I love it! I know you probably don’t but I do. Anger is good and I love that you aren’t afraid to admit that you feel you’ve acted without grace and aren’t strong at times. You aren’t really supposed to be. You are human and humans have dark sides, dark sides that make us think horrible things sometimes. That’s just part of being human. Though, I didn’t see anything that made me go: “EH! That’s horrible!” on your post. I have so wanted to make a post about what is going on with my Emma like this….how effin’ pissed off I am that it’s MY child with neutropenia. How little since it makes that my child has the autoimmune disorder while women I know who smoked and drank during their pregnancy have since had healthy babies while I have never smoked once in my ENTIRE FREAKING LIFE and rarely drink or the woman I know who never took prenatal vitamins because she “just didn’t want to” and had a healthy baby while I paid $30 a month for prescription prenatals just so my baby was getting what she needed while she was inside me. No child deserves to have an autoimmune disorder, that’s not what I’m saying but it just doesn’t make sense to me…..just like what is happening to you…..it just doesn’t make any sense!!! Why you?! Why my Emma?! Sorry….I made this post about me….I apologize.
AnnDs last blog post..No Riley for us today!
#27 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 5:48 PM
@AnnD,
Oh, please don’t apologize for that – that is exactly what the comments section is for – you can share anything you want. It’s the perfect place to say things from your perspective and share things about your life. I love the community that interacts here. It makes me really glad that you felt comfortable talking to me and us here.
There’s also a pretty cool place you might be interested in called “Her Bad Mother’s Basement.” This is a website where you can blog anonymously about things you really need to say but don’t feel comfortable publishing on your own website. It might be really therapeutic for you.
If you want to check it out, it’s here: http://herbadmother.blogspot.com/
(and there’s a button on my left sidebar right now, too).
By the way, I COMPLETELY identify with the thoughts from your comment. Crackwhores can get pregnant with healthy babies whom they have aborted, and I had to lay on a table and have my dead one removed from me with the exact same procedure. The ugly irony of it does not even begin to escape me.
Hugs to you.
#28 by Thomas on December 23, 2008 - 10:04 AM
The photo is fantastic!!!
Thomass last blog post..Falling In Love (For All The Wrong Reasons)
#29 by Talina on December 23, 2008 - 10:21 AM
You know, I would be in the same boat (any of us would) if it happen to us. There is no shame in ugly and angry and emotional and it letting it all out in whatever form it comes.
I personally think it is better to feel it and go through the grief as opposed to putting on a happy face and acting like all is gravy. All is not gravy you just lost your baby and it was traumatizing and sad and ugly.
Share what you feel and be real, that is what we would be doing. Shoot, you can even tell me to suck it up if I annoy you with my pregnancy complaints or whatever. Honesty is the best policy in my opinion.
So stop being ashamed for the feelings and for the ugliness. Loss is ugly and it stinks but so does life sometimes. If people can’t deal with it they’ll move on.
Once you get your fill of the sadness and the grief you’ll be able to move past it (but only when you are truly ready will this happen) so in the meantime be one with your grief, it is something you have to experience.
Soon you’ll be looking at that 2 year old and thinking of how lucky you are to have had him in light of the recent pregnancy difficulties. He is your miracle boy.
You’ll also get to the bottom of the cause of the multiple miscarriages and you’ll learn more about your body and what is happening to cause these things. You may even find peace and comfort in the reasons.
Everyone deals with grief in their own time and in their own way, nobody should have to apologize for it or be ashamed. Work through it the way you need to and soon it will pass.
I understand that this is what you need even though I have no experience with loosing a baby. *hugs* We are here for you, ugliness and all.
Talinas last blog post..Getting the holiday ducks in a row and not looking like a hobo anymore!
#30 by kompostela on December 23, 2008 - 10:22 AM
Still with you…
kompostelas last blog post..Some Activities My Toddler Enjoy When The Weather Is Bad
#31 by Janelle on December 23, 2008 - 10:41 AM
Glad you are sharing your “big fat ugly” with us. It just proves that you are normal. You take as long as you need to be angry and hurt and sad and confused. Us (and God) will still be standing beside you when you are happy again. And yes! you will be happy again.
Janelles last blog post..My 2008 Awards
#32 by pam on December 23, 2008 - 11:19 AM
You are strong! When I lost two babies I was so resentfull with EVERY woman I saw that was pregnant. Your feelings are your feelings, just feel them – please.
#33 by The Glamorous Life on December 23, 2008 - 11:40 AM
We aren’t idiots. We know NONE of us are remotely how we come across all spell-checked and edited. Don’t worry. We KNOW how crappy it is. How shitty you feel. And what crazy outbursts you are having. Here I will share one of my finer moments to make you feel better.
My dad died of esophogeal cancer about 3 yrs ago. And right after a lady came to my door in ALL PINK and asked for donations for the brest cancer foundation. And I YELLED at her that “there are a hell of a lot other cancers that are FAR more aggressive and deadly” and told her to get out of my face and slamed the door. Yeah. That was really a low point for me. So we have all been there….we are all LESS (in my case FAR LESS) than perfect.
It all sucks. It takes a lot of TIME to even be normal.
Just fake it till you feel it.
me
The Glamorous Lifes last blog post..Art of the gift tag.
#34 by Karen on December 23, 2008 - 12:01 PM
Oh yeah. The big fat ugly. I remember that, but I never really had the balls to post about it on my blog. It’s normal… but you know that. You just have to get through it – and I know you know that too.
I too remember being angry at God. I think I eventually got over it only because I finally realized I wasn’t going to get an answer that was acceptable. There was (for me) no answer to the WHY!?!?!? It still hurts… so maybe I’m still not “over it”.
All I can say is that my heart still aches for you. I am so, so, so, sorry.
Karens last blog post..What? No Comments?!?
#35 by Special K on December 23, 2008 - 12:21 PM
What you are saying is what everybody feels, they just don’t say it! I think saying it is just another way to get it all out! I have had similar feelings with other situations and even the same exact situation you are in! This is when I just spew it, get a grip on myself, look at someone that has it worse and move on because face it, someone always has it worse! The worst thing someone ever said to me after losing baby #3 was that at least I had one!
Yeah, and I love him but my 2nd husband has just lost 3 babies and he has NONE so can you let me grieve for him a little too? Sheesh.
Special Ks last blog post..Homecoming. Part 1
#36 by Junebug on December 23, 2008 - 12:38 PM
You are human. We are human. All God’s children are human!
Junebugs last blog post..Santa’s Workshop
#37 by Carol Anne on December 23, 2008 - 1:17 PM
You’re human and open and honest and yes, full of grace.
When my grandmother was dying a coworker told me that I just had to put it in God’s hands. That poor person was on the receiving end of my worst freak out/breakdown ever (tears and yelling in a small office always go over big. *hangs head*). I understand where you are coming from.
You’re in my prayers.
Carol Annes last blog post..Oh, my God. No, really. Oh, my God.
#38 by Sarah on December 23, 2008 - 1:48 PM
You’re allowed to be the big fat ugly. You’re allowed to be angry and hurt. Roll with the feelings…and don’t be afraid to hide them from us. Those that care will still be around. *hugs*
Sarahs last blog post..Will we miss Christmas?
#39 by Tara R. on December 23, 2008 - 2:12 PM
That doesn’t make you big fat bitter ugly… it makes you normal.
Grief requires anger.
love to you.
Tara R.s last blog post..Olivia’s Christmas Dress
#40 by mary on December 23, 2008 - 2:17 PM
The ugly thoughts make you real, healthy, healing. I’m sorry for your grief. Take it easy on yourself and let it roll, day by day.
#41 by Cindy on December 23, 2008 - 2:22 PM
I’VE BEEN THERE. We lost our baby boy at 16 weeks of pregnancy, with three friends due at the same time…SIXTEEN WEEKS?!?
I had a friend go on and on about how she wanted to get pregnant but was afraid of gaining the 60 pounds she normally gains..all I could think of was SHUT THE HELL UP! 60 pounds or dead baby? Hmmm..let me think.
My grief was really unpredictable, I never knew what was going to set it off. And you know what, Lotus, people forget. They forget that you lost a baby or they think maybe you should be over it after a short while and they say things that are stupid and ignorant or insensitive. Expect it.
As far as God, I get that too. I’m a believer and trust me when I say, there came a day when I threw myself on the floor and wailed out every bit of my anger, rage, pain, disillusionment, disappointment, confusion, bitterness, resentment and downright unapologetic sorrow before His throne. And you know what? He let me. HE let me.
And I had to distance myself from the friends who were also due at the same time as me. Because they FORGOT to put the censor on when I was around, being giddy and talking about ‘blessings’. You can only imagine the psychology of that whole situation.
It’s not their fault they should be happy, but a woman grieves a miscarriage alone…it’s between her and her God.
We are all okay now, but I see their children and I wonder, I wonder.
Grieve it the way you need it.
xoxo
Cindy
#42 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 5:54 PM
@Cindy,
Oh, I have no words. Just snot and tears and a measure of understanding.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I am so sorry, but thankful for your presence, and your ability to share your experience.
It’s both maddening and comforting to hear from others. What a bittersweet irony that is, as well.
Again, I thank you.
#43 by Cindy on December 23, 2008 - 2:27 PM
One more thing, Lotus.
I prayed a little prayer every day upon rising…
“God, protect me and protect others as I go through this.”
I knew He was going to have to protect other people from my grief, in whichever way that was going to be expressed.
Then, I had peace to just LET IT FLOW!!! Be free. BE FREE.
#44 by Momma Mary on December 23, 2008 - 2:27 PM
I think about you every time I want to whine about some crazy ailment, every time I go to the doctor. I wish there was something we could do to help. I keep reading, and praying. That’s all I know how to do.
And as for all four of your reasons for the Big Fat Ugly, I don’t think they’re ugly. I’ve been nasty to my entire family for no good reason… The rest, they just make you normal and human.
Momma Marys last blog post..Holiday Plans
#45 by Claire in CA, USA on December 23, 2008 - 2:34 PM
Just ((((((((Lotus)))))))))). This totally and completely sucks, and I am so sad for you.
Claire in CA, USAs last blog post..I’m done, are you?
#46 by drea on December 23, 2008 - 2:49 PM
we all have “the ugly” times…
If Ive offended you ever with mentioning God or saying “blessings” I apologize. Its just a part of my life so I dont even notice if im doing it most times.
http://caseychappell.typepad.com/baby/page/3/ << this is a friend of mine.. I just photographer her baby girl ZOE (http://touchedphotography.zenfolio.com/p418652195) that she adopted a few months after the death of her baby boy Asher (who was carried to term.. lived like 8 hrs).
Any how. Shes gone through this and more.. Her blog is always an encouragement to me.. you may hate it. But if you are up one night late and need something to read.. skim through her blog.
::ow:: and im picky about my french fries 2 hehe.
dreas last blog post..Its HERE!
#47 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 5:58 PM
@drea,
I haven’t been offended, drea. In fact, it’s not so much that I get offended by anyone talking about God or blessings – I am a believer, and I generally am not offended about anyone talking about anything they believe in.
It’s just that right now, hearing that killing my baby is a part of His Plan makes me feel really shitty.
I don’t make plans to hurt my children, and I like to think that My Father doesn’t do that, either.
Mostly, I am confused, and it is going to take me time, and my own thought processes and mental meeting with Him, to come to a conclusion about what I think all of this means.
And what I’ll feel about it all is up in the air right now. Right now, all I really have is a lot of hurt, pain, and confusion, as far as all that goes.
I do thank you for being near in messages and email, and on my website, Drea. You’ve been a blessing to me.
#48 by Rachael on December 23, 2008 - 3:03 PM
I got to the comment section & really wanted to say something, but then I couldn’t figure out what to type. So, I’ll just say this. The ugly is okay. Everyone understands. And if they don’t, well poo on them. I think about you every day. (Hugs)
Rachaels last blog post..Contest!
#49 by Gabriel on December 23, 2008 - 3:55 PM
Lady, you’re very talented.
You can still make us think, laugh, and even shed a tear while reading just one of your posts. This becomes especially amazing when it’s one of ‘these’ posts in which you’re baring your soul in front of us.
While I still totally feel for you, John and Braden, and I will make sure I keep you in my thoughts, I couldn’t help but to break into laughter when I read about the ugly babies! They all are!!!
Have a Merry Christmas, Lotus. You guys truly deserve it. And thanks for all the wonderful stuff (whether it’s happy, sad, or somewhere in between) that you share with us daily. OK, almost daily.
Gabriels last blog post..This is my choir
#50 by Wayne Tingle on December 23, 2008 - 5:34 PM
Hi.
My name is Wayne and I’ve been following your blog for a little while. I’m 29 and a father of two. My wife has had two miscarriages.
When I read that you were pregnant, I was ridiculously happy. My wife was wondering if we were related or something. We prayed for you, and thought about you periodically. Unfortunately, we were in Mexico during most of it, and I wasn’t able to follow very closely. When we got home, I immediately checked my blog. When I read that you had miscarried, my heart broke. All the feelings of when Megan miscarried hit like a big surgical scrape wall.
Anyway, I don’t want to drone or make this about me, but I am very sad. I wish we lived next door and I could bring you guys a dinner or something. Good luck.
Wayne
Wayne Tingles last blog post..Favor
#51 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on December 23, 2008 - 6:09 PM
@Wayne Tingle,
You just brought me dinner in your own way. Thanks for introducing yourself – while I’m sorry to have opened up your wounds again, I feel comfort in knowing that your family keeps mine in prayers. I appreciate that quite a lot.
Thank you, Wayne.
#52 by Stassja on December 23, 2008 - 6:05 PM
Man it’s going around this week! My own dose of ugly on my blog because you just can’t say it to people. Mine is a little different (sister in law having a successful vaginal birth after induction while my induction was So Much Worse and what’d she do to deserve it aside from call the baby a “fucker” the whole pregnancy for poking her ribs?!?) but the feelings are similar. :S
Stassjas last blog post..The good and the bad
#53 by Jessica on December 23, 2008 - 6:10 PM
I really don’t know what to say, but I wanted to post something. So, I will just give you some hugs!
#54 by Loralee on December 23, 2008 - 6:40 PM
Even if we hadn’t talked about this already (And we have, people) I would totally, completely and in all other ways GET IT, my sweet friend.
I always say that I didn’t handle Matthew dying “gracefully”. I was a big fucking ball of hideous rage, despair, anger and all around messed-up for a very long time.
People who haven’t experienced it don’t realize the pressure you feel to perform, feel or act a certain way when you’re bereaved. Even if it isn’t something that isn’t actually being put on us by other people, it’s something that we feel is there regardless. (Although, there are craploads of people who DO expect things and behaviors out of mourning people. It’s beyond weird and totally wrong.)
I was mad at EVERYONE. I’m still plenty mad, sad and depressed and prone to fits of wailing and clawing the air in acute pain and it’s been five years.
You feel exactly how you want when you want to feel it. Or need to. Whatever, they’re often the same anyway.
My kid misses yours. Because they WOULD have been fabulous friends. (And probably still are, if you want to get all deep)
I love you to death.
I really, really do.
Loralees last blog post..Christmahanukwanzaakah Concert
#55 by Amy on December 23, 2008 - 6:51 PM
I wish I had words but there are no words. Thinking of you and yours….
Amys last blog post..Captain America Progress
#56 by Cat @ 3 Kids and Us on December 23, 2008 - 7:01 PM
I wish I had words of encouragement for you, but I’ll be honest, right now there aren’t any. I remember this phase when I lost my son, Gavin. I was angry, bitter, and had those moments that you describe and directed most of those emotions at God, something I still haven’t resolved. You’re going to have your good days and bad ones, and slowly the bad ones will fade. Hugs!
Cat @ 3 Kids and Uss last blog post..31 Weeks
#57 by Heidi on December 23, 2008 - 7:38 PM
I’m sorry Lotus.
-Heidi
Heidis last blog post..Score
#58 by A Jill of All Trades on December 23, 2008 - 9:15 PM
You know, Lotus, if anyone who visits your blog and gets pissed or offended by you processing your loss and talking about the feelings it – and the feelings you have in response to stuff around you, brings up, then fuck them.
You have every right to feel the way you do about WHATEVER and nothing can (or should) try to take that away from you. And bringing God into this as some sort of consolation is just bullshit. No one cares what God’s plans are for you or your dead baby. It doesn’t make things any better because all you can think about right now is why fuzzball?…..Why me?
And I want my baby back.
A Jill of All Tradess last blog post..Techie stuff I want!
#59 by Coast Rat on December 23, 2008 - 10:49 PM
Hey, Dawn: maybe you are all or at least some of those things you say you are in the first part of your blog, but the thing is, the 58 of us commenting here don’t hold that against you and love you just the same, anyway! Losing a child at any stage of development or after birth at any time in their life, is crushing to those suffering the loss, and we all react differently, and none of the ways we react is right, or wrong. They just are our human reactions to the hurt and pain we are feeling after it happens to us. You do what you gotta do, and you are who you are, and others understand and feel bad for you, but whatever YOU do, is OK. We all care…
#60 by Junebug on December 23, 2008 - 11:05 PM
Way back in 1985, I was pregnant with my second child, my son. I have three older brothers who’s wives were also pregnant that year. The brother who was 1-1/2 years older than me would be his second child, a son. My next older brother would have his third child, a son. All three born in 1985. My oldest brother, it would be his first child, and they had been trying for a long time. His wife miscarried their child. Fortunately, we did not live close to them, they lived in another state. I know this was incredibly hard for her and I didn’t know what to say or do. We three all had our baby boys and she had nothing. They went on to try several more years, no luck. They tried adopting, no luck. They tried invetro-fertilization two times, no luck. They gave up. At the age of 40, she got pregnant! They now have twins, a boy and a girl who are fifteen. I don’t know how many miscarriages she went through but there were a few. I am so glad for them and of course the children are the light of their life. Life is hard, but God is good.
Junebugs last blog post..Santa’s Workshop
#61 by SECRET AGENT MAMA on December 23, 2008 - 11:17 PM
I think, and fully believe, that in life (and death) we take the good, the bad, and the ugly. They all hinge on one another. That’s just my belief. Kinda like friends. Sometimes we are good. Sometimes bad. Sometimes ugly. But there is always that hinge, that coupling, that reassurance that in this life we are NEVER alone.
Love to you, Lotus. Always. Your Friend,
Mishi
SECRET AGENT MAMAs last blog post..Faith, Love, Peace, Bliss
#62 by Eve on December 23, 2008 - 11:24 PM
I was once mad at God about my divorce. And I told Him just how mad I was. He didn’t strike me down or anything, and I felt better after getting all that off my chest. So – go ahead, be mad, rant and rave and carry on (not that you need my permission.) In fact, now that my daughter is going through a divorce and we are learning just what a jerk-faced douche bag she is married to I’d like to do a bit of ranting and raving and crying myself. I refrain so as not to scare the children, but every now and then I’d like to throw myself down on the couch and cry ’til snot runs out my nose because my husband died this year and my daughter’s husband is a first rate ass-hole. I really think ranting and raving can be useful under some circumstances.
Eves last blog post..Ruby Tuesday – O Tannenbaum
#63 by Jackie Buschur on December 23, 2008 - 11:29 PM
Hi Lotus,
I saw you on Twitter I still very new at Twitter as I just joined about 4 weeks ago but saw you were following one of my followers ANYWAY… I most of the time stop tweeting and click on the links that my followers tweet about and I got to your blog and I just want to say my heart goes out to you!!!! I know myself becuase I’ve had 3 heart renching, painful miscarriages. My first I will NEVER forget the feeling! I was a newly wed we got pregnant on our honeymoon. I was 15 weeks pregnant (baby boy). We waited to tell family and friends for Christmas – to give them the ultimate Christmas present and since I was almost 4 months we told them Christmas Eve. Well as you would gather I ended up on an operating table on Christmas day delivering my first born child. Lets just say I’ve never forgot that Christmas and since then I’ve had good pregnancies & a lot more painful losses but to this day I will NEVER let my children know that they have 2 brothers & a sister in heaven. Guardian angels watching over them.
I just wanted to write you and tell I feel for you & every comment that someone made in good intention I wanted to hurt them! So don’t don’t don’t feel bad for being angry with God, the World you have to feel that way to Grieve the loss of your child that could of been. God Bless & never give up hope!!! Jackie
#64 by drea on December 24, 2008 - 8:15 AM
Yea… during times like this you do question whats going on… I know when I lost our 1st I questioned so many things.. thinking if a God was so good why would He take that from me? But I think that is just part of being in this fallen world.. and sometimes we just dont understand.. we just have to trust.
My husband and I were talking about our friend Rob last night.. he died last year suddenly out of no where.. This man was so amazing! Infact when we heard he died we didnt believe it and told the lady who told us that she must of been mistaken… that i had to of been another Rob.
Rob was a healthy man.. in his early 30’s. Had a young wife and 1 daughter who was 9. He was an incredible youth pastor and football coach… and now he is gone out of no where.
It was horrible!
And even to this day we don’t get it. We dont know why the Lord would take a man in his prime who was such a wonderful witness and man of God.
Yet leave some people who (as bad as this may sound) but are noaccounts who throw their life away and spit in the face of God.
Makes no sense sometimes..
But despite it… the peace we have is in knowing it all works out according to his plan.. SOME HOW
I know this time isnt easy for you though.. just know you arent alone in your thoughts and struggles. Even as a Pastors wife I had so many similar thoughts you are having right now :-\
Love you! Im so glad you liked the soaps and chapstick. Her chapsticks ROCK!!! and her soaps are even better!
You’ll be addicted to her stuff now
dreas last blog post..Eh.. not a good Christmas Eve Start
#65 by drea on December 24, 2008 - 8:19 AM
ow and no more spills from me hehe. I know you probably would rather not hear it right now HAHA. I hope you have a very merry christmas and that Braden gets spoiled rotten
dreas last blog post..Eh.. not a good Christmas Eve Start
#66 by jill on December 24, 2008 - 11:09 AM
i certainly hope i’ve never said anything as tacky. i can relate at least to the holding back part. there’s so many things you cant , you just cant post on the internet because it might either A get you in trouble with the law, or B make people think you’re clinically insane. and who wants to be thought of as insane, right? screw the law…i edit heavily and wonder if people think i’m shallow because of it. everything seems so surface, but sometimes the truth is so damn ugly it can’t be said or written ‘out there’ == because then it would really be true and not just in your head..where no one else can see
jills last blog post..Did I mention?
#67 by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah on December 24, 2008 - 12:26 PM
The day I lost my first baby I:
1) Yelled at a snake. I am terrified of snakes and there was one by my front door. I screamed at it “Get the the fuck out of here you stupid snake! You are not the worst fucking thing that has happened to me today”.
Then I was mad and I felt stupid.
2) I got completely shit faced drunk. The bad part is that I still had so much of my pregnancy hormones so alcohol still tasted gross. I worked through the bad taste.
3) Pretty much stayed drunk until I got pregnant again.
So, yeah, I say even with the bad parts I still say you are graceful.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..While Stuck in the Cell Phone Waiting Area at DCA
#68 by ElizabethSheryl on December 24, 2008 - 4:35 PM
Oh, it’s ok to sometimes turn into a puddle of mush, or lash out, or get angry at the lucky people bitching. You are still strong for expressing your emotions, owning up to mistakes, LIVING during this time and not holeing up somewhere leaving the world behind to take care of you and your children while you grieve..which some people have to do, but you HAVE been strong.
I have never been pregnant, or gone through a miscarriage/d&c but I can relate to some of what you feel. My husband almost died, twice. He’s 29 years old. I’m 23, but this all started when I was 21…sitting in the ICU, having cardiologists and specialists come to have the “serious” talk with us..having to buy 7 different medications to keep him going. It was rough, and I’d read people bitching about not getting a parking spot and want to stab them with a fork. Do they not GET how lucky they are to only have THOSE problems?
I have PCOS, and will most likely have to have assitance when we try for kids. I started the first step by having gastric bypass surgery so that I will get my excess weight off so my body can hopefully ovulate on it’s own (the more excess weight, the worse the symptoms are)…so I’m with you in the “why not me” feeling..not that you don’t want THEM to have their babies, and to be healthy..but why isn’t it like that for you. I will admit I’ve been very resentful..not spiteful but resentful, so you’ve done better than me in that regard.
I know we dont really know each other, I started reading your blog not too long ago, but I’m always happy to hear when other people can relate to my emotions, so I thought I’d share. Be whatever way you need to be right now..mean..over-sensitive..whatever, because it’s better than burying it all down deep and causing lots more trouble in the future.
ElizabethSheryls last blog post..Jack Frost Nipping At My Nose.
#69 by Kat on December 25, 2008 - 11:16 PM
Understandable.
Thanks for sharing the Big Fat Ugly – because come on, really… anybody who seems “totally fine” after a loss of this magnitude is most likely just trying to SEEM “totally fine” because it helps them to SEEM that way.
I hope your John is understanding and good to you right now.
Kats last blog post..Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!
#70 by Elaine on December 27, 2008 - 2:00 AM
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for being so “real” and honest with us about it. I’m thinking of you…
Elaines last blog post..Favorite Food Swap – My Goodies!
#71 by HappyCampers on December 29, 2008 - 9:43 AM
Sending hugs your way…thank you for being so open & honest. It makes others feel like they’re not alone in what THEY feel….
HappyCamperss last blog post..From Our House To Yours….
#72 by Amanda on January 12, 2009 - 1:53 AM
If it helps any- after one of my miscarriages @ 12 weeks- I got one of those boxing trainers/freaky looking peach man with the water base- and just beat the shit out of him. I was so fricking angry and it probably kept me from going to jail.