Winters where I live are long and cold and boring and I have a long history of spending much of the winter in a sulky grey funk. My husband has responded by making our house as fun as Disneyland – although less crowded and HOPEFULLY mouse-free – with tons of video games and movies and new books and theme dinner nights and board games and booze and stupid tv shows and it still doesn’t help all that much.
My poor husband. When I am sad, he wants more then anything to help me back up. And I find this beyond annoying, this constant low-key pestering when I’m wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and stay there until the flowers come back up in May, wanting to be left alone while it’s grey and -30. Oh, how I resented it, and more than once I snapped at him to stop trying so hard to fix me, to just leave me be. And this is how you can tell that I am an awesome wife and that being married to me is MAGICAL.
Anyhow, my GOD I resented feeling like he needed me to hurry up and get better so that he would stop being inconvenienced by my inconvenient depression. I would lay in bed at night – not sleeping, thanks to The Depression – and think dark murky thoughts revolving around him being a pushy jerk, him trying to dictate to me how I should feel. Oh, sure - he’d make supper without complaining about it, but I knew that secretly he was feeling resentful and as if he thought I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I was wallowing in my moods for my own enjoyment.
So a few months ago, out of nowhere, my husband came up to me and told me that he was depressed, that he had been very, very sad for a while. And my heart broke into a billion pieces right there.
That my poor, kind-hearted, unassuming, hard-working, gentle husband had been walking around silently miserable all by himself - okay, even now I can’t write that down without putting my hand over my mouth and staring out the window for a while. And I responded with unusual fervor, making sure that things were clutter and stress-free around here, making sure that he’d come home to his favorite meals, that he was surrounded by love and affection and given more time to do things he liked and I was sobbingly relieved when he told me that he was feeling better, that it had passed.
“I was so worried about you!” I bawled at him, and he said, very tenderly, that he knew exactly what I’d felt because he’d gone through the same thing so many times with me. And with those words, I suddenly saw all of it – the suppers quietly made by him, the packages of new books sent the way a different man might send flowers, the horrible GAMES OF SCRABBLE – completely differently, saw them as his way of surrounding me with love and comfort.
I also know that he is lying to me.
I know that he feels like he’s not achieving what he’d hoped for with his talents, that he’s worried about money, that he’s over-burdened with responsibility and that he is hiding this from me because he is above all things tender and kind to me.
I have been wallowing. I have not been trying hard enough.
You can’t unknow self-knowledge, can’t unsee what you have seen. And so my New Year’s resolution is to protect him more, to meet his tired smile as he arrives home in the evening with one of my own, to see his love for what it is and to be grateful. I will instigate more stupid Scrabble games and thank him as he passes me the smooth wooden letters, knowing for once in my life what secret words they are actually spelling.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Beck puts words together this beautifully on a regular basis over at her website, Frog & Toad Are Still Friends. It is among the first blogs I ever read, and was an inspiration for me as I began writing a blogsite. Her delightful nature and incredible depth drew me in and have never let go.
#1 by Chrissy on January 14, 2009 - 2:33 AM
That’s a beautiful post. You both sound lucky to have each other! Virtual hugs to you both.
The winter blues can be very real by the way — check out seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Doctors can prescribe simple things such as UV lighting, etc.
Chrissys last blog post..Organized Cleaning Schedule
#2 by Elizabeth on January 14, 2009 - 4:37 AM
That was a great post.
#3 by edj on January 14, 2009 - 6:58 AM
Oh Beck. It’s true–in marriage we ideally support each other and pull each other through, and you are both lucky in this, that you each have someone who will care for the other. This is a good reminder for me today, of my need to be patient and care for my husband.
edjs last blog post..Not a Rash Decision
#4 by Jennifer on January 14, 2009 - 8:00 AM
Oh, gosh, Beck, wow. I think our husbands’ temperaments must be very similar. I can identify so well with what you’ve written.
The year Jack was born, almost 7 years ao now, was one of the hardest years we’ve encountered thus far in our marriage: it wasn’t US, it was external things that got to us, like a serious illness, an unexpected death of a brother, a big move, a job change, a new baby that cried all the time, and KIDNEY STONES for him.
Life didn’t let up, and at the end of that year, we were both unhappy – only he didn’t tell me how HE felt, of course. Not for quite a while.
And so I’ve felt like you, hand over mouth, staring out the window.
And I think John still lies to me, too – well, I’d say rather that there is a lot he doesn’t tell me, while he carries the world on his shoulders. Mid-life is full of realizations and things to accept. And things to worry about.
It’s posts like these that make me feel like I know you, and we’d be great friends if we lived down the street.
I miss you!
Jen
Jennifers last blog post..Book Review
#5 by Cindy on January 14, 2009 - 8:25 AM
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE GONE THROUGH THIS.
That’s why we are thinking of a complete life change. Moving to warmer climate and actually start living out our dreams. We have two small children and it’s a risk, but we had to ask ourselves do we really want to continue with this cycle? Life is risk.
I hear Austin TX is really really nice.
Cindys last blog post..China’s Stolen Children
#6 by Nowheymama on January 14, 2009 - 8:31 AM
Ah, The Depression. I know ye well.
I think this might be one of my all-time favorite posts of yours, Beck.
Nowheymamas last blog post..Nowheymama is Not Lisa Kudrow
#7 by Mom24@4evermom on January 14, 2009 - 8:48 AM
So, so beautiful. I miss you. Thanks for such a powerful reminder.
Mom24@4evermoms last blog post..Welcome to Womanhood WW
#8 by Julie Bo on January 14, 2009 - 8:51 AM
that was very beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
Julie Bos last blog post..A Little Something New
#9 by Mad on January 14, 2009 - 9:06 AM
My husband used to try to cajole me into good humour. I know he meant the very best for me in doing so but we had to come to an understanding that there were certain matters that I needed a degree of latitude and independence to get through. For us that worked, mainly b/c I am a very forthright person and will also tell him exactly when I do need care and attention. He is more even keeled and hasn’t needed me as an anchor in the way that I’ve needed him. Still, there have been issues with death, with his writing and his art that I’ve had to see him through.
Mads last blog post..The December Just Posts
#10 by becky on January 14, 2009 - 9:07 AM
This is really good Beck. I have some things to think about. Thanks.
#11 by Kyla on January 14, 2009 - 9:26 AM
Awww. I hope spring comes early to the Beck household, sounds like it is much needed.
Kylas last blog post..Creep
#12 by His Girl Amber on January 14, 2009 - 9:31 AM
I was unable to read this without putting my hand over my mouth and staring out the window for a while. my heart feels all achy now, partly because of the incredibly beautiful writing (as always), partly because of the emotion that comes from ‘knowing,’ partly because of the wonderful break in the Beck Blogging Fast, but mostly because this kind of insight makes me need to be BETTER… you know?
His Girl Ambers last blog post..silenced.
#13 by ewe_are_here on January 14, 2009 - 9:39 AM
Like Kyla, I hope spring comes early for both of you this year…
And thank you for giving me something to think about… I need to try a little harder to make life easier for my husband when I’m kind of dragging around.
ewe_are_heres last blog post..Glass
#14 by Tracy on January 14, 2009 - 9:46 AM
Have you been peeking into my windows? Oh Beck, how alike we are. And our husbands, too!
Tracys last blog post..Five hours…
#15 by Chantal on January 14, 2009 - 10:00 AM
That is so beautiful. You are both lucky to have each other.
Chantals last blog post..A large arctic air mass has settled over our region
#16 by Cristan on January 14, 2009 - 10:18 AM
Come live in Atlanta! Seriously, that was so beautiful, and something you can both go back and read when you’re feeling out of sorts with one another.
#17 by Tracy D on January 14, 2009 - 10:20 AM
That is…. a beautiful post and a wonderful testament to your love for your husband and his for you. So well written. Thank you for sharing!
Tracy Ds last blog post..The New ‘Do
#18 by tracey on January 14, 2009 - 10:20 AM
Beck, Seriously? I am crying because that is SO LIKE me and my husband. He said something similar a while back and I flipped out. And I saw things differently and have done things differently. Love you, hon.
Here’s to all of us talking about our feelings REGULARLY and not letting them build up….
traceys last blog post..I’m sure we’ve ALL faked it once or twice…
#19 by Gattina on January 14, 2009 - 10:29 AM
My doctor called that seasonal depressions and I had it for years it started end september and ended around march. The worst is you can’t do anything against it besides taking “happy pills” it’s worse than a broken leg, at least then you know what you have. You can’t command your feelings, a depression makes you so helpless as falling in love.
I understand you so very very well ! Your post reminded me of my past !
Gattinas last blog post..
#20 by bea on January 14, 2009 - 10:45 AM
So here’s my problem – I AM like what you thought your husband was being like. When my husband is sad or depressed I resent it. I thought I was the one who was supposed to have the emotions and he was the one who was supposed to support me? What right does he have to feel sad when he has so much to be grateful for? If he just tried harder he could be happy and stop inconveniencing me with his misery! And this is in the context of someone who almost never does admit that he’s feeling sad. I suck.
beas last blog post..A Boy and His Band-Aid
#21 by Colleen - Mommy Always Wins on January 14, 2009 - 12:15 PM
If you want nothing more than your spouse to be happy, and will do anything to make them so (or try to make them so) then your marriage is pretty well grounded. Knowing that will hopefully make any dark mood a bit brighter…
#22 by Sue on January 14, 2009 - 1:23 PM
Beck, thanks for this. I don’t suffer from depression (stress- yes, depression – no), so it’s sometimes hard for me to understand when my husband gets in a funk. I want him to just snap out of it by force of will, even though I know intellectually it’s just not that simple.
I loved this, “And so my New Year’s resolution is to protect him more, to meet his tired smile as he arrives home in the evening with one of my own, to see his love for what it is and to be grateful.”
What a great resolution. I’m adopting it. Thank you for this reminder.
Sues last blog post..Farewell Sweet Maiden – Take Two
#23 by All Rileyed Up on January 14, 2009 - 1:48 PM
Beautiful post, Beck! I want to go wildly make out with my husband now and follow it up with a game of Scrabble.
All Rileyed Ups last blog post..Ahoy, Mateys!
#24 by magpie on January 14, 2009 - 1:55 PM
Oh, Beck. I think I’ll go home and do something sweet for my husband – ’cause I think he feels the same way.
#25 by carrien (she laughs at the days) on January 14, 2009 - 2:13 PM
Aww Beck…You moved me. Again.
I have a husband like yours. Though I think he finally gave up on trying to cheer me up for a while, I was so thankless. But then I grew up enough to notice that he needed me too.
It’s good now. It know it will get better for you too.
carrien (she laughs at the days)s last blog post..Just for Fun
#26 by SECRET AGENT MAMA on January 14, 2009 - 3:39 PM
How absolutely touching this post was. Just poignant and so meaningful.
#27 by Angela on January 14, 2009 - 4:27 PM
Lovely post, Beck. You have such a way with words and when I think of my own husband and his silent support, when I just “know” he is secretly resentful, I am such an ungrateful wallower.
Angelas last blog post..The Nose Knows
#28 by Cassandra {Simply Fearless} on January 14, 2009 - 5:05 PM
Oh my…what a touching tribute. Thank you for sharing such deep insight into the day-to-day workings of a marriage. It totally inspires me to be more loving, kind, and understanding towards my husband when he comes home after a day at the office.
Cassandra {Simply Fearless}s last blog post..What do you do when you experience conflict at work?
#29 by Sue on January 14, 2009 - 5:37 PM
I always enjoy your posts, but this was even better than most. Isn’t it funny how self-awareness suddenly strikes us? And you’re right. You can’t un-see what you have seen. (Thanks heavens, or none of us would ever grow at all!)
Sues last blog post..TURNING BLAHS TO HURRAHS, aka What To Do on a Stick Figure Kind of Day
#30 by Tammy on January 14, 2009 - 6:09 PM
Becky,
I count myself fortunate to have read this. Thank You for putting words to what alot of us go through and giving me perspective from the husband’s side.
#31 by Georgia on January 14, 2009 - 7:50 PM
This post hits home for me because, while I’m not married and am only starting a new relationship, that whole depression induced “I would lay in bed at night – and think dark murky thoughts revolving around him being a pushy jerk, him trying to dictate to me how I should feel” thing is why all my relationships have failed in the past. It’s so easy to make excuses as to why I’m upset, I can justify it every time, even if it’s all bullshit. I’m glad you were able to see past it…gives me some hope for myself.
Georgias last blog post..Like Being Hit By A Bus
#32 by chaotic joy on January 14, 2009 - 8:51 PM
Oh, Beck. This is love. Scrabble. And tired smiles when your heart’s not in it. Good grief this post was amazing.
#33 by Heidi @ GGIP on January 14, 2009 - 9:30 PM
I have to agree wtih some other commenters and say that I think there is something to be learned from your experience for ME.
Heidi @ GGIPs last blog post..The Box – A Very Special Exposure Wednesday
#34 by flutter on January 14, 2009 - 10:56 PM
Beck, I love you.
flutters last blog post..Typical
#35 by Junebug on January 14, 2009 - 11:06 PM
I have to admit at first I wasn’t liking this post but when I came to the end I changed my mind. That was good.
Junebugs last blog post..Welcome to my Lodge!!
#36 by Texan Mama on January 15, 2009 - 1:18 AM
I really like this post, but I have to admit that I read it with a bit of sadness…
Why do you think your husband isn’t being truthful with you? If he wants to care for you, let him. Don’t sit there and second guess his thoughts, his intentions. Just LET HIM LOVE YOU.
In the same way, love your husband as you are already doing. Love him in the way he needs and in the way you need to show him.
Husbands and wives both need love from each other and both need to show love to each other. So, why are we all so reticent to accept love from a person who has vowed to give it to us?
I think it’s hard to just accept it. Strange to say, but it is really a hard lesson. When someone gives you a compliment or does a favor for you or is loving towards you, JUST ACCEPT IT. Don’t second guess it. Don’t try to figure out why. Don’t feel the need to reciprocate. Just accept it. Maybe you don’t need what they’re giving you, but maybe they need to give it.
I hope that didn’t sound preachy.
Texan Mamas last blog post..What Would You Do?
#37 by Angeline on January 15, 2009 - 6:47 AM
Beck, I love this post, very much different from your ‘parenting’ posts….
but as always, words are wonders when your hands are on the keyboard….
Angelines last blog post..I Can’t Turn Back the Clock
#38 by bren j. on January 15, 2009 - 10:58 AM
Perfect…
#39 by patois on January 15, 2009 - 11:58 PM
Oh. I have to put my hand to my mouth and stare out the window.
patoiss last blog post..One of These People Doesn’t Belong
#40 by Jessica on January 16, 2009 - 9:16 PM
What a lovely and heartfelt post. I think your New Year’s resolution will bless both you and your husband. I look forward to reading your blog.
#41 by K on January 18, 2009 - 11:34 AM
The gift that drives us to write things like this is really a sort of mandate, I guess. God lays it on us to see ourselves, and then to lay the heart on the table right out there in public. And in doing that, windows open all over the place. Wrong metaphor. As you – geez, not saying this right – put your self-discovery out there, you are holding up a clear mirror. From these comments, I’m guessing that more than one of us who have read it has come around a blind corner, only to stop short, nose to nose with herself. I mean, that’s what happened to me.
Suspecting resentment. I’m shaking my head. We build our own little reality, don’t we? And why do so many of us jump at that one? We just don’t love ourselves, much, do we? And maybe we don’t have much reason to, so often.
Forgive this dip into religion, but Christ hung on a cross for us, and we still don’t expect to be loved. Don’t feel lovable. I wonder why? Because we don’t love other people that much? Am I seeing in him what’s really in me? Like that comment about 400 up – I’m what I assume he is. That’s bad. That’s really bad.
Your close to the piece was a clean, lovely piece of writing, by the way. Deft. Elegant. You have left me thoughtful. And a little afraid now. Because as you and Sue noted, you can’t un-know a thing. And what are you if you, having now a piece of truth in your hand, put it down somewhere and walk away from it?
#42 by Heather of the EO on January 18, 2009 - 3:17 PM
I don’t have words. You just spoke my heart here. So I don’t have words. Except for thank you.
Heather of the EOs last blog post..
#43 by kristy on January 19, 2009 - 1:27 AM
I have only seen my husband like this once in our 15+ years of marriage, and it totally threw me. In the end, so very valuable though. I hated being on the other end, and yet I’m so glad I experienced the insight. Thanks for sharing.
#44 by Erin on January 19, 2009 - 10:07 AM
THAT is beautiful.
Erins last blog post..FLUX
#45 by david mcmahon on January 19, 2009 - 4:27 PM
Green Jello said I had to read this post – and I can see why.
#46 by Elizabeth on January 19, 2009 - 5:19 PM
Oh my god this post, Beck, oh my god. You could have put my photo and byline under it as written by me, completely. Same problem with horrid depression, worse from November to about May, husband who comes home after a long day of work and a long commute to wash the breakfast and lunch dishes and make dinner and put the kids to bed while I lay on the couch under a quilt barely moving. Same problem with husband telling me he wasn’t happy, then snapping out of it, but not really. Same New Year’s resolution to see that coming home and cooking and putting the kids to bed is all he can really do, and for that, I should be more grateful.
Thank you for this reminder, and here’s to all of us making it through until Spring.
#47 by Sandi McBride on January 21, 2009 - 6:40 PM
You have such an understanding husband…that or a vivid imagination…is there such a man out there? Lucky girl! Have you tried the lamps they make for seasonal depression? My Aunt swears by hers! Congratulations on Post of the Day mention
Sandi
Sandi McBrides last blog post..Portrait of Words Entry 5 A Poem…The Flowers
#48 by Sarah on January 23, 2009 - 3:10 AM
I got here through a blog of a blog of a blog……
Both of you go have your vitamin D levels checked. I have had the same problems, and recently had them checked only to find out I was severely deficient. They gave me pills to take once a week for three months, and it helped, it helped quite a bit.
It can’t hurt to try it. (Well just a little, prick) and if you are deficient you’ll start feeling better after a couple of weeks.
Sarahs last blog post..Food Pantry