I used to think that my intense desire to have children, to be a mother, was enough.
It’s not.
You have to have more than desire. You have to be more than needy.
I face a truth over and over again: I am not a good enough mother.
It’s in the details. I am not good enough in Situation A with Process B. I am not good enough at modeling Behavior XYZ. I do not respond to Tantrum of Intensity #524 with the proper level of Calming Voice Version #683.
It’s in the Overall. Good Mother = Someone Else. Me = Poser.
Yes, I love him. Love is not enough. It just isn’t.
Often, I tell myself maybe it is enough that I try and that I love him very much and that he is a happy boy most of the time.
“No, you are wrong,” I jab back. I am not a good enough mother and I need to prove it to myself with more than emotion. I must prove it with logic, too. So I make a list of reasons that indicate I am possibly a good parent. I also make a list of reasons why I am clearly not a good parent. Inside my head I hold them next to one another.
The disparity is overwhelming.
One list is mocked by the other.
One list loses. The other list wins. One list shrinks into a corner, dwarfed by the other. The other list is tall and wide and heavy and has big, mean muscles. One list whimpers that it wants to be better, but it doesn’t know how. The other list looks down at me with a smirk on its face, triumphantly crushing me.
Standing in the hulking shadow of all the reasons why I am not a good parent, I can’t deny the truth born out by the comparison.
The Truth. About how I’m not good enough.
I’ve been telling myself that truth in a million different ways my whole life.
This is just another version of that “truth.”
You know what really mind jacks me when I’m applying The Truth in this scenario nowadays?
I grieve my lost pregnancies, finding it impossible to let those babies go.
But in this past year and a half, I have had the thought countless times already that, somehow, it is good that I did not have them.
Because I would not have been a good enough mother to them.
And that is a terrible, painful thought to have.
The guilt is unbearable some days.
The Truth hurts.
#1 by Kayla on September 10, 2009 - 12:40 AM
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt the exact same way. If I was a better mother, and did THIS, then he wouldn’t be showing THAT behavior and acting in THAT fashion. If I was more patient, he wouldn’t be acting out and being so destructive.
But in the end… our kids love us, unconditionally. Yes, they act up, but they do that. That’s part of their age. Our kids are alive, they love us, and they’re happy. They’re fed, they’re loved, and they’ve got their needs met, and then some. That’s a sign of a good mom. Just keep telling yourself that. I do.
Kayla´s last blog ..Blue & Green Contest Entry for BlueFairy0173’s Contest (Beginner)
#2 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:42 PM
@Kayla,
Oh yes, I do keep telling myself.
It’s the only way to drag yourself out of the pit when you fall in, right?
#3 by Danielle on September 10, 2009 - 12:53 AM
I can relate. COMPLETELY. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. I REALLY thought I would be better at this.
I keep trying every day.
Danielle´s last blog ..Order in life
#4 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:43 PM
@Danielle,
I’m still trying, too. Thanks!
#5 by flutter on September 10, 2009 - 1:47 AM
you are phenomenal, the beating yourself up? stop it.
flutter´s last blog ..Blizzard
#6 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:43 PM
@flutter,
Thanks, hon. That’s a hard order to fill though, sometimes, isn’t it?
#7 by Nikki on September 10, 2009 - 1:49 AM
Any mother who has never thought the same though, please rise your hand…….I did’t think so! We have all been there and most are still trying to find the other side.
#8 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:43 PM
@Nikki,
Thanks, Nikki.
#9 by Jen on September 10, 2009 - 2:11 AM
I think the fact that you are concerned enough to feel like a “bad mother” proves quite the opposite.. i definitely have more times than i would like where I don’t feel “enough”… but as long as our children our healthy and happy & we’re doing our best (even when we have to scream into a pillow or cry our eyes out or count to 10 before responding)… From what I can tell, for what itis worth from someone who has just seen bits & pieces on the web, you’re doing a fantastic job & your son is completely loved, and that is #1 (and all your effort & concern counts, even when we don’t do as good of a job as we would like)
#10 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:44 PM
@Jen,
Not so much a bad mother as one who is just not good enough sometimes.
I know it’s not so abnormal to feel this way. But it does suck.
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
#11 by Phil Rezanow on September 10, 2009 - 3:01 AM
I know exactly how you feel. As a father, and recently, a single father, I have to be both father and mother. If I thought I was having a hard time of it before, it’s twice as hard now. However, you don’t give up. In my case, it would make me no better than the woman who abandoned us.
My kids have so many issues (anxiety, autism, ADHD) that I feel like a firefighter – putting out fires (anxiety attacks, autistic reactions, etc) all day long. My kids deserve better that they have gotten so far. I’ll never be able to give them everything on my own, and I hope that someday I can give them a complete family. In the meantime, I do my best to make sure they are fed, warm, and happy, even at the expense of those things for myself.
Anne P. Mitchell taught me the three basic rules that I follow in life: Do what you have to do. It is what it is. Make a difference. What it boils down to is this: You’ll do whatever you have to do for your kids. Don’t make things out to be anything they are not. Take things as they are, and do what you have to do about them. Make a difference in the lives of your kids, but don’t make it out to be anything that it isn’t – your kids need love. It really is that simple, and yes, love IS enough. Anyone can feed and clothe a child, but YOU are their parent. All your kids want is for you to love them, and show them that you love them! I know because I’ve had that conversation with them. Understand, the last time they saw their mother, they watched her get arrested. Later, I got pulled over for speeding, and my son exclaimed that daddy was going to get arrested. My daughter then says, “Daddy, if you get arrested, who is going to love us and take care of us?” (Talk about making me cry.) They just want to be loved. It IS that simple. So, quit over-thinking it, quit making it out to be more than it is. Just love your children. You’ll be happier, and so will they. You’re kids deserve a happy mother.
#12 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:18 PM
@Phil Rezanow,
What a thoughtful comment – I’m sorry you’re having to deal with so much on your
own – though it also seems that you have a pretty good handle on it.
One of my own basic issues is that I’m selfish – that’s actually something I
struggle with all the time and it’s a key to the idea I have that it would, perhaps,
be wrong of me to have more children. It’s all too much to bear out in a simple
post, really.
I agree with you that love is so very important. And at work here is a central
problem I have with just accepting myself as good enough ALL the time.
I am able to do so in starts and stops – it’s in my ugly times that I question
myself too harshly, put myself down, and as flutter stated, beat myself up. That’s
something I want to stop doing – for him and myself.
There are also some temperament issues I have that are real, and that is
another discussion, really, but they are also things I need to deal with, for
his sake (and my own, and hell, my husband’s).
Thanks for sharing your experience and your thoughts.
#13 by Phil Rezanow on September 10, 2009 - 4:33 PM
@Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus,
Let’s be honest, no one is good enough ALL the time. People make mistakes. So do your kids. It’s how you handle those mistakes that shows your true character – and it teaches the kids some character at the same time.
I believe we all have temperament issues to some extent. Being disagnosed with major depressive disorder and ADHD wasn’t a shock, but finally getting help battling it put things in perspective – especially when dealing with the issues of my children. We all have our issues. Personaly, I gave up on issues and got the subscription.
It’s how we approach and deal with the issues that reveals our character. Adversity reveals character. The fact that you recognize it, can blog about it, and discuss it with complete strangers like myself, reveals a fair amount as well.
So, yeah, quit beating yourself up. You’ll always be your own worst critic, and if you weren’t, THEN we would worry about you. =)
#14 by Al_Pal on September 22, 2009 - 4:29 AM
@Phil Rezanow,
I gave up on issues and got the subscription.
OMG, that is too perfect.
Great to see such thoughtful comments!
#15 by Ness on September 10, 2009 - 3:08 AM
Why do we do this to ourselves as mothers!?
You ARE good enough. You are awesome and amazing, and wonderful.
What, when you look at him, tells you otherwise? (Hello – awesome, gorgeous, well adjusted, perfect little boy!) – and yes even perfect boys sometimes have perfect tantrums.
Stop beating yourself up.
Trust me, men don’t waste time like this (I’m not devaluing your feelings, I’m just sayin’ s’all – cos I have the same thoughts a lot) wondering if they’re good enough fathers.
My husband doesn’t sit at his desk at work, wringing his hands in despair at the thought that he should be a better father – and for the most part men are happier than us, and a lot less judgemental about themselves…I think there’s a lesson there somewhere.
Ness´s last blog ..09h09 09/09/2009
#16 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:47 PM
@Ness,
I think all parents do it to some extent. It may just be that it is more
apparent when women do it because we are more expressive emotionally.
I actually know that John worries about being a good enough dad – he has expressed
as much to me at times in the past.
I think that I let myself get carried away in emotionality too much, actually.
And maybe that is the lesson you’re hitting on, the “feel too much” tendency
really can go too far. I don’t think it’s good to bottle, but damn, at some
point you have to have an even keel, too. All of my emotions seems to run
at extremes.
#17 by fred or is it bob on September 10, 2009 - 3:51 AM
OK you are onto a moment of awareness do not dismiss it or let it go.
You are a parent who loves too much (there are some books discussing this topic, one I read and it was OK, not mind shattering but a little eye opening). Somehow in America’s culture came this idea that love is the answer that if we just give give ´give everything will be OK. As a teacher and parent kids need to feel safe. Part of this safe is trust and love the other “forgotten” part is limits and expectations. I have read your site for a long time and you do love your son too much. It maybe seems opposite or even heresy but kids do not need a parent as a best friend or their buddy. They need someone to set bounderies and guidance. Being stern or tough is seen as not loving for some reason, but giving in and accomadating is somehow seen as love. You obviously love your child but have found a point that your approach is not the whole thing. You are missing the balance. I would suggest taking one component one aspect that you would like to effect change. Have it be something where success can happen, stick to it and be firm. I am by no means a perfect parent and we all have our issues. You have found one of yours, don’t turn from, face it and it will benefit you and especially your son.
#18 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 12:49 PM
@fred or is it bob,
I have to respectfully disagree with the idea that I love him too much.
Where I can agree is on an overall high emotionality – and it’s on the opposite
end of the spectrum where I believe this is damaging to my son – I am very quick
to anger and sadness. I am selfish, and very quick tempered. These are the places
where I think I need more control. Patience is also a difficult thing for me – a
necessity in parenting! Love? I don’t think I’m loving him too much, by any means.
Maybe I don’t write about being stern or tough, but I am actually good at setting
boundaries for Braden and I am no stranger to discipline. When I say I love him and
talk about how he awes and amazes me… this doesn’t mean I “give in” to him. I know
it’s hard to see a whole picture from the posts I write.
And the issue I’m indicating in the post that I really feel the need to face is why
I always tend to think I’m not good enough. It’s a tendency I’ve had my whole life
in one situation or another that I need to overcome.
#19 by witchypoo on September 10, 2009 - 4:53 AM
Mothering is the area where I have the most insecurities. Really. I think it may be normal.
witchypoo´s last blog ..Mah Drawahs
#20 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:48 PM
@witchypoo,
It’s probably likely related to how important we find it to be in the
grand scheme of things. And that in itself is actually a good sign, right?
#21 by Allie on September 10, 2009 - 6:09 AM
The young are very forgiving. Now you must forgive yourself. I tell myself that every single day.
#22 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:48 PM
@Allie,
I guess I’m just worried that I’ll be forgiving myself for things that I
should actually be trying to change for the better.
#23 by Veronica on September 10, 2009 - 6:38 AM
Oh love, please, be kind to yourself.
Did you try gluten free? (yes, that’s unrelated, but I’m curious)
I was not a good enough mother a month ago. I yelled and cried and swore. I couldn’t keep my shit together and omg everything was hard. SHE was hard. It felt like every day was a losing battle, just trying to keep us all alive until bedtime.
It’s better now. Now, I can’t fathom how I was making it through my days.
Veronica´s last blog ..Warmth
#24 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 12:54 PM
@Veronica,
Yes, actually, an within a day his tantrums reduced greatly in severity.
He still tantrums, of course (he’s an almost 3 year old, its’ normal), but
the fits are less often, more manageable (not spinning out of control and endlessly
irrational). Yesterday, in fact, he only yelled no/growled at me a few times
and when I asked him to stop… HE DID. Whoa.
The excessive tantrums and screaming of late do contribute to my frustration in
parenting, but they are not the key in this weird way I have of second guessing
my ability to do things as well as I should. I think it’s really a separate issue
that leaks into parenting b/c it’s another thing I do that I can question myself on.
If that makes sense.
#25 by Chris on September 10, 2009 - 6:54 AM
I completely get the “not good enough” thing. And that is the bigger thing here (at least as I read it). Parenting is a role, it’s not you. The hardest thing is to accept that you aren’t all that you thought you would be. It’s like admitting failure. That, no matter how many successes you’ve had, you’re at least one short of getting there. I struggle with that on a daily basis. The examined life…sucks.
#26 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 12:58 PM
@Chris,
Yup, that is the bigger thing here – it’s a thread that runs through my life,
and the nutty thing is that I can isolate it, look at it, and KNOW IT’S DUMB
for me to feel that way. I can actually see all the ways I’m a good parent, I can see
that yes, I am a good wife, a good person (etc)… I can see that I do XYZ just fine.
But there’s always that nagging thing that fights back telling me that no, really, you
should be better or “something”-er.
It is in my weak moments that this rages at me and I am less able to remember that it’s
bullshit. Like when I think about my babies, as I am wont to do right now…
I was pregnant last year at this time.
This will probably not be the last highly emo post before the winter is over.
#27 by Angella on September 10, 2009 - 7:41 AM
Oh, sweetie. We all suck at this gig at some point or another. I know I do.
But love IS enough, if that love is propelling you to take the time to look at yourself and want to do the best for your son. You’re doing a smashing jog, my dear.
xo
Angella´s last blog ..Parenting Without A Manual
#28 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:49 PM
@Angella,
Thanks, Angella. I do think that’s a good point – the idea that when we
love/care enough to worry about this stuff in the first place, it’s a sign
that we’re at least on the right track.
#29 by C @ Kid Things on September 10, 2009 - 8:06 AM
I think what you’re feeling is normal. There are many days when, even now that my oldest is almost 6, I feel like I’m just pretending and someone is going to come by and take my kids to their rightful parents. Because this? And me? Obviously not enough. But, even in our worst moments, we are enough. We are more than enough. We just sometimes have to make ourselves better.
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Mommyblogger: The Epitome
#30 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:54 PM
@C @ Kid Things,
You know, when I first brought Braden home from the hospital I was so joyful
and excited… but at the same time, I was sitting on my bed, with this tiny,
beautiful person in my lap, mortified. I kept staring at him, in all of his
fragile, helpless, potential-filled amazingness thinking, “Surely they didn’t let
me leave the hospital with him? Surely the world at large does not trust me with
this person’s entire life and well-being? SURELY this PARAMOUNT responsibility has
not be entrusted to ME!? There must be some mistake.”
I felt like I was getting away with something devilish. I didn’t know how on earth
I could continue to fool everyone into thinking that I was actually capable of this.
Every day I do my best. That is the truth. I just keep wondering how much better
I could be if I just.tried.harder. And maybe that’s actually a good thing and I’m just
being an idiot! (One thing’s for sure, I don’t lack a drive for over analyzer or being
incredibly emotional. Hah.)
#31 by christie on September 10, 2009 - 8:16 AM
EVERY mom feels this way now and then.
I feel like this a lot too.
I’m sure you’re MUCH better than you give yourself credit for.
#32 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:55 PM
@christie,
Thanks, Christie, I appreciate it.
#33 by rachel-asouthernfairytale on September 10, 2009 - 8:18 AM
I call bullshit. Not true. I don’t believe it.
But, I understand completely.
Being human is a beast sometimes, huh.
I think you’re doing an amazing job, look at his smiles, his curiosity, his friendliness… look at how much you love him. LOVE is more important than people tend to realize.
#34 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:22 PM
@rachel-asouthernfairytale,
Love is VERY important.
It doesn’t make everything better though. I love him even when my temper
is too quick. I love him even when I go into a selfish rut.
I guess I’m saying that I need to overcome my own issues, because no matter
how much I love him, my own problems can hurt him, too.
And then there’s that whole being okay with just not being everything I think I
should be. ARGH.
Being human IS a beast! What a good way to put it. I by no means believe I’m
alone in this – I just needed to express it.
Thanks, hon.
#35 by Joy on September 10, 2009 - 8:23 AM
You would have been (and are) an awesome mom to all the children you hold in your heart. If you, of all people, feel like you’re not meeting your own standards of motherhood, maybe that’s because they’re higher than they should be. And speaking from personal experience, that’s an easy trap to get caught in when your kid’s this age…
#36 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:24 PM
@Joy,
Thanks, Joy.
It really is something inside me I feel I’m not meeting. I’m not comparing myself
to anyone else (or comparing anyone else to myself or them to one another).
It is most definitely a trap. I think I need some better coping mechanism to
help pull me out of that trap!
#37 by Ashlie- Mommycosm on September 10, 2009 - 8:36 AM
Pfft. I’ve NEVER felt that way. Especially not right now while my son is watching PBS and I’m on my computer. I’m the best mom ever.
I love you for keeping it real, but try not to be so hard on yourself. Listen to your son giggle and you’ll know for that moment you’re good enough. Piece those moments together, okay?
Ashlie- Mommycosm´s last blog ..BusyBody Book
#38 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:58 PM
@Ashlie- Mommycosm,
Thanks, Ashlie – and trust me, I do appreciate those times. Seriously!
I just wish I could let go of the need to tear myself down when there’s no
need for it.
#39 by amy2boys on September 10, 2009 - 8:44 AM
It will never be good enough for you. It will always be good enough for B. Guess what’s most important?
Being a Mom is the hardest thing ever. Give yo pretty self a break dear!
amy2boys´s last blog ..Moms – Be Nice To Other Moms
#40 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:59 PM
@amy2boys,
Loving your comment so much. So simple and powerful. Thanks, Amy.
#41 by Rachel on September 10, 2009 - 8:52 AM
You know that’s not right, because if you heard somebody say those words to somebody else you would rip them a new one.
#42 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:09 PM
@Rachel,
I do know it’s not right. I do. That is the issue for me to overcome.
It’s a lot easier said than done.
#43 by Mrs. Flinger on September 10, 2009 - 9:42 AM
I literally have a post about the mormon commercial that says, “You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be present” and I think, “WTF THAT.” My being “present” is never enough. My children have needs bigger than I can meet.
And the tantrums, ohmyhell, the tantrums.
I hold on to the fact that maybe my being here will one day be enough. That right now, I might be fighting the urge to run, begging my feet to stay planted here with my family, most of the time by sheer will. But that later? When he pulls his head out of his two year old little self? I’ll STILL be there.
And I think that is enough. And I think that’s love.
I love you, lady. So much. And? I’m an imperfect friend but I hope that just by being present? You can see how much I love you.
XO
#44 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:08 PM
@Mrs. Flinger,
Your presence means everything to me!
On the being there thing – I think that’s awesome and I get what the point
that is trying to be made about perfection not being the point and that we
just need to “be there” for our kids. But there are two things at play here
for me:
1) I have a problem overall with not thinking I’m good enough. I tamp it down
a lot of the time, and contrary to the “woe is me” feel of this post, I am
capable of getting by and holding up my head, etc. I get shit done when I’m
chugging along – it just routinely falls apart for me and I go into this kind
of a bullshit attitude rut. Make sense?
2) I do have issues I need to deal with – like anger and temper and even the
all too strong sadness (Braden saw me crying today and he told me he was sorry, OMG).
I know that being here is important for him, but I need to be here and not be
a raving lunatic, too. I kind of think he’d benefit from me being a Not Raving
Lunatic. Heh. There is a lot of prior learning/genetics/family influence at play
here for me and I won’t go into that because others deserve their privacy, but
I can see where these behaviors do harm and I don’t want to repeat the cycle.
#45 by Maria on September 10, 2009 - 9:53 AM
I’ve been there, we all have. I empathize.
I want you to go through your Flickrstream. And look at that one dailybooth shot with him it. And I want you to look at that smile: that precious, genuine, sincere smile on that beautiful little boy’s face.
And think about how you put it there, more often than anyone or anything else. And tell me again that you’re not good enough. So I can strangle you next time I see you.
Maria´s last blog ..Maybe I’m too sensitive…
#46 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:25 PM
@Maria,
I like a good choking.
Heh.
Really, thanks, Maria. I do think it’s entirely likely that I haven’t
fucked him up all the way yet.
#47 by Colleen - Mommy Always Wins on September 10, 2009 - 9:54 AM
Honey. Oh honey. I have mental lists, too, and yesterday was just such a hard day that I think one of them actually just up and blew away.
Off now, ‘fore I leave tear stains on yer blog…
Colleen – Mommy Always Wins´s last blog ..Uh, yeah…
#48 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:00 PM
@Colleen – Mommy Always Wins,
Gah, let’s build a bonfire and just put all the fucking lists in. Then eat smores.
*hugs*
#49 by Earth_mommy on September 10, 2009 - 9:55 AM
Oh, the countless times my husband has fussed at me because I’ve felt this way. And he was right to fuss at me. Mothers have a special guilt in our heads, we never think we’re good enough. Truth, though, most of us are wonderful mothers. It’s the ones who never doubt themselves who you need to be worried about.
Earth_mommy´s last blog ..Working Vacation
#50 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:02 PM
@Earth_mommy,
Love that point – I guess the guilt is at least an indicator that we have
our hearts in the right place.
I do want to moderate my emotionality more though – this is the part that
I fear will impact Braden negatively.
#51 by Earth_Mommy on September 10, 2009 - 2:39 PM
@Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus,
When our second daughter was born, I was diagnosed with PostPartum Depression. This got worse after our third daughter was born. Between all three of them, I lost four babies. I’ve always felt some guilt, some “what if” moments, and they are still always in my thoughts. The medicine helps me, a lot. (Think major anxiety attack while in the midst of a two hour work commute lol) If I didn’t take them, I’d have to wrap all the girls in bubble wrap and never let them out of a padded room
Not to be all preachy, but you might want to talk to your OB. Anxiety and stress can take a toll when you are trying to conceive.
Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Working Vacation
#52 by Amo on September 10, 2009 - 9:55 AM
Rachel said it before I could, but I’m throwing out the bullshit card as well.
Turn on the news. Look at those people who’s baby’s are gone because they were TRULY a bad mother. (And I’m talking specifically about the ones who’s neglect/preoccupation w/ drugs/etc. resulted in the child’s death.) You are a good mother. We are ALL good mothers. A good mother recognizes when they’re having a bad day. A good mother feels guilty for telling their kid to ’shut up’. (But you know what? I didn’t say ’shut the fuck up’ so I win.) It’s about the daily struggle. The daily fight to keep ourselves sane while dealing with the irrationalities of children.
If you’re going to call yourself a bad mother when we’re all in this together, you’re dropping the ball on all of us. I refuse to allow you to go there.
Not just for you, but for me as well.
Amo´s last blog ..Yes, Neighbor, I ALWAYS Pick It Up. I Promise.
#53 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:31 PM
@Amo,
I get what you’re saying. At the same time I want to make sure you realize
that I actually don’t think I’m necessarily a “bad mother,” so much as I
regularly fall into the pit of feeling I’m “not good enough” at it. I know
it seems like I’m splitting hairs here, but there is a solid difference between
the thrust of those two things. My tendency to think I’m not good enough
at so many things, this thread that runs through my life (my personality) is just
also present when I examine my role as a mother/parent. I’m actually NOT comparing
myself to anyone else – this is a force inside of me – this is an ugliness I wage
with myself. I have really great times where I chug along just fine, times even where
I do believe that I am fucking awesome (hahah), but I always do this “not good enough” thing at some point when I get low. And I kind of fucking hate it. You know?
#54 by Amo on September 10, 2009 - 1:49 PM
@Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus, I do know. I was raised by a ‘bad mom’ and have been fighting to stay on the sane side of that line ever since. It’s a rough road, this parenting gig, but we have to find opportunities to reassure ourselves.
When I come here, I see the love you bestow on your baby boy. I see the bathtub pics and know that you are cherishing those moments when I’m rushing mine through theirs. I read about how terribly you miss him when you’re apart and am reminded of how I was thankful for the break. I saw you at blogher and admired your beauty and simplicity. I, like most moms and women, compare myself with others and judge my parenting by their rule stick. I know it’s wrong, but inevitable.
I have also been where you are. I’ve hit some mighty low points. Places I dare not even speak of on here. But the only positive experience I’ve gained from those low spots, that depth, was being able to appreciate the moments of bliss all that more deeply.
I hope you know that my comment was meant out of love and admiration. Because I do; and I always will.
Amo´s last blog ..Yes, Neighbor, I ALWAYS Pick It Up. I Promise.
#55 by Bejewell on September 10, 2009 - 10:04 AM
It’s painful to read as you put yourself through this. We all have our moments of insecurity. Maybe it’s true that love by itself is not enough — but I think it’s a damn good start. I’ve read your posts, i’ve seen the pictures. That child is loved and cared for and has a great mom, and he knows it. And so do I. You need to know it, too.
Bejewell´s last blog ..I Would Have Written a Post about Dog Zombies but Demi Moore Erased It from My Head
#56 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:04 PM
@Bejewell,
I believe in the power of love, really. I just know that
love can’t stop the damage that other issues can impart. I don’t want to
hurt him even while I’m loving the crap out of him. I’ve seen it happen.
Thanks, Beej, for the support and the love you just shared with me.
#57 by cbrks12 on September 10, 2009 - 10:11 AM
You need to shut that voice down. It lies.
#58 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:04 PM
@cbrks12,
Heh. Thanks.
#59 by Jessica on September 10, 2009 - 10:28 AM
We all feel that way, in fact there were tears over this very list yesterday for me. I just miscarried last weekend and feel as though I could have tried harder to make it stick, I failed as host. I wish I could say that the doubt goes away as you kids get older, but I have just as much now with 8 year olds as I did when they were babies. It makes me feel better to have my husband and friends say I’m not a crappy mom, so I’ll say it to you. You are not a crappy mom. You are a mom figuring things out one day at a time, just like the rest of us. Wish I could do more. XO
Jessica´s last blog ..A Saturday at the coast
#60 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:06 PM
@Jessica,
Oh, honey. I am so sorry.
It really does help to have a support system, doesn’t it? I have to say
it’s the very best part of me being able to publish my thoughts here.
It’s not always easy to admit some of this stuff – and people will call
me out on bullshit and counter point me. Hell, they will sometime say things
that make me feel even worse! It actually all helps me though, b/c it
really helps me to continue to examine my feelings and find a way to deal
with them.
And damnit, the supportive and loving comments go a long way to making me feel
better, too. So, thank you for that. I totally appreciate it.
#61 by Mary on September 10, 2009 - 10:40 AM
You ARE a good mommy! I mean, you bathe your kid, right? Us good moms always think we’re failing our children.
And if we mess up time and again, it provides fodder for later therapy sessions.
Your love is all he needs. Really. Because you really love him (and we all know you do, your love for him oozes from this blog), you do the right things for him. Kids disobey and tantrum, and humans lose their cool.
You’re a good mom. Really. I’m sure of it.
Mary´s last blog ..That "Thing"
#62 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:07 PM
@Mary,
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mary. I have to question these
feelings, both for my sanity and that of my family. But I do appreciate
the perspective and I clearly need the boost.
#63 by Kerry on September 10, 2009 - 11:14 AM
I don’t know you Lotus but I don’t believe any of it. Because this post in addition to the hundreds of other ones where you show the love you have for your children show that you give more of a shit than most mothers out there.
#64 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 2:09 PM
@Kerry,
Ah, but even so, there is something here I need to hash out. These are the
posts that are actually so much harder to share, but in doing so, I am
able to cope with these feelings better. You guys do realize that you should
be charging me a bill for therapy, right?
Thanks for the kind words.
#65 by j.me. on September 10, 2009 - 11:24 AM
If you don’t think you’re a good enough mother, does that mean you think other people are not good enough either? What is all this comparing … who/what are you comparing to? If you’re going to compare to the high (almost impossible) standards, please be sure to compare to the low also.
Do you feed them? Well, you’re already doing better than some parents. (Yes, very low standards.)
(Ahem.) If you’re not good enough, do you go around and look at other moms and say they’re not good enough? Do you put other moms on a pedestal thinking they’re perfect? What is this perfection thing anyways? Deal with that. Because the best thing you can do for your kid is not to be a perfectionist. Oh my gawd, that’s a terrible burden. (only cuz I know)
It IS good enough. Accept imperfection. Embrace it. It is our humanity. Laugh about it. Have some fun when things don’t go right. Have some fun when the kids have a tantrum. Hee hee. Surprise them. Play games with it. Tell them you’re going to have a tantrum one day. Tell them you’ve put yourself into quiet time. The kids love that. hahaha
Accepting yourself is one of the best gifts we can give our kids. Forget being some idealistic perfection of motherhood — what, well dressed and well fed kids? Nah…
#66 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:38 PM
@j.me.,
I really feel the need to address the part here about me thinking other mothers
are not good enough. I want to stress that this is in no way a comparison of
myself to others (or others to one another). This is a tendency I have to
all of a sudden turn into a pile of goo who thinks she’s not good enough
for one reason or another. Mothering is a role where I do this to myself.
Separate from that is the fact that I most certainly to have emotional issues
that I need to face and find a way to overcome because they can and will
harm my son if I do not find a way to cope with them and defuse them.
I’m not a bad mother. But quite often this ugly inside of me convinces me that
I’m just not good enough. It’s, quite frankly, one of the stumbling blocks
that is holding me back from really confronting the other emotional issues
I have. It’s quite likely even a self-handicapping response at a time when I
really should just be facing those issues head on instead of worrying and
whining that I’m not good enough.
But this kind of reflection is exactly why I post things like this in the first
place. I think it can only help me work through and examine these parts of me.
Thanks for being a part of that.
#67 by Miss on September 10, 2009 - 11:31 AM
I remember feeling this for the better part of my son’s young years. Pre school anyways. I think when they depend on us so fully, its a scary thing. We constantly think “could I have spent less time cleaning the kitchen and played cars instead? Could I have turned the computer off instead of letting him watch cartoons?” The answer is, for me, no. Kids NEED their independence just as much as they NEED their parents.
Maria was right. Just look at his smile Lotus. The boy RADIATES. That is from the fact that he is SO lucky that he gets to hang out with YOU all day.
Miss´s last blog ..I fucking love you, bitch
#68 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:39 PM
@Miss,
Yup, you get a good part of what I feel. But it’s hard to be rational from
inside that ugly moment when it’s upon you.
Also… thank you.
#69 by lceel on September 10, 2009 - 11:56 AM
I’ve got news for you, Kiddo. When you stop thinking you’re not good enough is when you stop being a good parent. Just that simple.
lceel´s last blog ..Sing Alma Mater
#70 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on September 10, 2009 - 1:42 PM
@lceel,
This is a tendency that runs through me and hits me in so many places, actually.
But I suppose you’re right, in the most ugly of moments when I’m falling apart,
feeling angry with and sad for myself, how could I be a good parent? It becomes
about me instead of about him. I don’t want to feel this way.
#71 by WackyMummy on September 10, 2009 - 2:34 PM
It’s like looking in a mirror. You SOUND pretty rational (including the comments), and I can relate. It’s something everyone goes through. And it’s important if you can see and recognize “emotional issues”. But see, it’s complicated. I had “emotional issues” and I went to counseling and “resolved” them. Guess what. They kept coming back. I had a lot of trouble controlling my temper and keeping up with all the crap, and it turns out I have a physical condition that affects my emotions (by being tired and rundown), and I’ve finally found something that can actually FIX it. Hallelujah! And guess what! It actually helps too with the emotional stuff. Now, you might not have a hormone imbalance like me and have to become prematurely menopausal to fix it (like me), but there might be something else there that might affect emo stuff.
WackyMummy´s last blog ..Breaking Out the Stroller
#72 by Deidre Mooney on September 10, 2009 - 3:00 PM
I don’t normally comment although I love your blog…just wanted you to know that I feel this way too and we just have to try and do our best every day. This too shall pass, they say and sometimes that gives me peace, but I really am jealous of all the moms out there who seem to really have it together and not get frustrated with their children or who interact so well with them that the kid has perfect manners. Doesn’t happen at my house but hey…we are all different right? Makes the world go round baby….Deidre
Deidre Mooney´s last blog ..Nothing exciting…just stamping
#73 by Suzy Voices on September 10, 2009 - 4:26 PM
God I feel this way sometimes too (a lot of the time!). I feel like a selfish wench. But really, we’re all doing the best we can at any given moment. My kids? Are awesome. They’re surviving my bad mothering just fine.
Suzy Voices´s last blog ..Dog is My Co-Pilot
#74 by Jeanette on September 10, 2009 - 4:43 PM
I feel the same way at times, but mine is more guilt that I’m not there. You’re there, with him, all the time… you hve fun together… you give him the love he needs… what more does he need?
Jeanette´s last blog ..Little yellow beauty
#75 by nicki on September 10, 2009 - 5:05 PM
I think we all have felt this way at one time or another. We hold ourselves to such high standards, and really – who IS the perfect mother? I don’t think I’ll ever get to meet her because she doesnt exist! We all make mistakes, it’s how we learn from them that makes the difference.
nicki´s last blog ..Potty….errrr…..Poopy mouth
#76 by Mary on September 10, 2009 - 6:21 PM
Lotus, I haven’t read all the comments, but one thing I’m sure of, you are a terrific mom. We’ve never met in person, but I know John and I read your posts and see your pictures and I know! Braden is a super little man and he has wonderful parents. In fact, would you like to adopt me?
Love Ya!
Mary
#77 by Heather on September 10, 2009 - 10:01 PM
I think you are an incredible mom, from everything I’ve seen & read from you.
Big hugs, Lotus. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
Heather´s last blog ..Shedding Light
#78 by Heather @ Cool Zebras on September 10, 2009 - 10:36 PM
Oh dear. So my take on this is that if you weren’t a wonderful mother you wouldn’t care if you were a wonderful mother or not. I have had countless mom fails and said and done some really subpar stuff. We moms are human too.
Heather @ Cool Zebras´s last blog ..Mom Conundrum Haiku
#79 by hecticmom on September 10, 2009 - 10:55 PM
I don’t know that any parent is good enough with toddlers. I suck at parenting toddlers. I mean, I’m REALLY bad at it – I also have a quick temper. When they get older (6+ – 12) – it’s SO MUCH BETTER! And SO MUCH MORE FUN!
Also – this may sound crass – but go to Walmart, or Disneyland, or any place really with lots of parents and kids -and you will see parents that really aren’t good enough. That’s my selfish and judgemental secret.
Seriously – your son sounds SO MUCH LIKE MY DEVIL SPAWN HORRIBLE CONSTANT TEMPER TANTRUM THROWING toddler. She just put all of her disagreeable behavior into her toddlerhood and is now the sweetest, friendliest, most brilliant, popular and talented 10 year old in the city. Someone that I constantly enjoy spending time with. And I’m seriously not just saying that. I’m going to suck up as much as I can before she turns into a hormonal bitchy pre-teen.
So – I’m saying – just hang in there – this it’s not time to measure being a good-enough parent. Give it some time – you’re probably doing a hell of a lot better than you think.
hecticmom´s last blog ..Happiness Is…
#80 by Gabriel on September 10, 2009 - 11:09 PM
If you never felt like that some times (OK, most of the times – OK, ALL the time) then you wouldn’t be a good mother.
Parenthood is a job for life… and I don’t like the retirement parties for this one. Nobody was born ‘knowing’ how to be a perfect parent.
Like a late Argentine boxer once said, “experience is a comb they give you once you’re already bald”
Did you see? I stole your previous post already!
Gabriel´s last blog ..Stealing posts #09 – Crazy crap a mother says out loud
#81 by Holly Jahangiri on September 10, 2009 - 11:21 PM
Crappy moms don’t worry about being crappy moms, Lotus.
You have been awarded the “Kreativ Blogger Award.” Click to see!
Holly Jahangiri´s last blog ..My Publisher has a Perverse Sense of Humor
#82 by Tarasview on September 10, 2009 - 11:44 PM
I’m sure all the last 80 comments have said the same things… but we ALL feel that way! I sure do.
But I just remind myself that my mom was a pot smoking single mother hippie who moved every 6 months… but she loved me… and that WAS enough!
Hugs to you dear girl. We will get through this- support in numbers baby!
Tarasview´s last blog ..Ageless & Eau Flirt GIVEAWAY!!
#83 by laura on September 11, 2009 - 12:06 AM
hugs, Lotus!
from where i sit, when i came to a similar conclusion years ago was when i was finally able to come to the acceptance stage of losing my babies. it didn’t mean and still 20 years later doesn’t mean that i forgot them…hell no! it means that i came to a place where i realized that as much as i wanted them, loved them, grieved for them, i just was not in the right place to be the kind of mom oi believed then and now that i should, must be for all of my children.
i can’t promise to you that you will then immediately conceive and like me, over-populate the planet with 4 more. i wish i could.
i can say as a mom and now a grandmom you just never worry, wonder and perhaps stress over whether or not you are agood or good enough mom. at least this far into the game for me i haven’t. it’s okay. i believe that this is one of those things that makes us the good moms.
love you!
laura´s last blog ..seasonal sign
#84 by Michelle on September 11, 2009 - 6:56 AM
One day at a time, Lotus. One day at a time. Or even one hour at a time.
Sometimes the ‘not good enough’ feeling takes over and hides the real problem/s and then we don’t deal with them. But we need to look beyond the ‘not good enough’ and then we can work on one problem at a time. And we may still be ‘not good enough’ but we are better than we were. And THAT is worth it (even more than L’Oreal!)
#85 by Shauna on September 11, 2009 - 7:07 AM
Dude,
I adore you. And I know from following you and getting to know you and talking to you and such that you’re a awesome, kick ass mom. And you know what else? You’re doing the best you can. We all are. So cut yourself some slack and enjoy the ride. You’re a beautiful person inside and out, and also? Lotus, your writing fucking slays me. I totally feel your words. You are a total rock star and I wish I could lick your face right now.
Love you.
Shauna´s last blog ..How to ask someone if they’re OK
#86 by Sarah on September 11, 2009 - 11:15 AM
I can’t imagine that there is a parent out there that hasn’t felt like this so many times…you are not alone – but you are also NOT a horrible parent. You are a parent that loves all of her children so much that it brings you such pain. And they all love you, whether on this plane or the next. *hugs*
Sarah´s last blog ..I thought he’d grow right through the ceiling…
#87 by schmutzie on September 11, 2009 - 12:55 PM
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday –
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/09/five-star-fridays-edition-70.html
schmutzie´s last blog ..Employment Couselling At The Deli
#88 by arianne on September 11, 2009 - 2:53 PM
Here’s the thing. We all f**k up our kids in our own unique way; it’s good, and healthy; how else would therapists make a living?
You won’t be perfect. Sometimes, you might eat the last cookie when he’s not looking. Or put him to bed 45 minutes early because your head hurts and you want to watch House and have a glass of wine (er, that might be me). But you will be human. And he’ll deal; in fact, maybe he will be able to see that you are an actual person, rather than just mom. (naah…)
I’m one of the three mom’s in the universe who doesn’t suffer from mom-guilt, because I’m lucky enough not to be wired that way. I’m by no means a perfect mother; I work a full time job,leaving him in daycare; I have been known to feed my son tomatos and cheese-sticks for dinner (well, it’s healthy, sort of, and I am graced with the world’s only 2 year old vegetarian). He has been known to go 3 days without a bath, and I am currently trying to bribe him with Jelly beans to get toilet trained (not working, sorry).
But, he is happy, and healthy, and a typically difficult, charming, crazy 2 year old. For all the things I do wrong, he will be ok. And even though he deserves the best of everything, noone will ever love him better than I do. And that will have to be enough.
I understand you are discussing a passing feeling, more depression than real concern; but when it strikes, burn the damn lists. Go fly a kite with him, or get an icecream cone, or put Noggin on and take a bubble bath instead; in the end, equally productive, and much nicer.
#89 by Secret Agent Mama on September 11, 2009 - 3:24 PM
Oh,Loter! I feel this way daily, by the minute. I think Lou’s right. When you stop worrying that you are doing it right, is when you are doing it wrong.
I’m always around if you want to talk. You know that. We are wayyyyyyyy alike, you and I.
Secret Agent Mama´s last blog ..Time After Time
#90 by Leanne on September 11, 2009 - 4:23 PM
The mothering gene is a myth. I think we are all just learning as we go, a bit like on the job training.
Mine went to bed tonight without her bath or story because she refused to tidy the toys in her bedroom (read: screamed at me that tidying was stupid). I still haven’t figured out how to get a kid to tody up their room without arguing, haggling, bribing or a combination of all three, but I’ll try again tomorrow.
Leanne´s last blog ..Marching on
#91 by Maria on September 11, 2009 - 7:32 PM
I wish we all knew how to banish these thoughts.
Love you, lady.
Maria´s last blog ..shocked and awed
#92 by Zoeyjane on September 11, 2009 - 8:43 PM
Honey, you know I know exactly what you’re feeling. I wish I knew it gets better, so I could tell you that. Instead…see you in Vegas.
Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On wringing my hands
#93 by Susie on September 11, 2009 - 8:48 PM
You need to put the cap back on the glue and drink a glass of self-confidence on the rocks, Chiquita! Come on! You are down, maybe frustrated but the not good enough thing is the biggest load of hooey I ever heard. Of course you are good and better than 90% of mothers, just for caring and paying attention. #2 I think in another sense, your belief in how important you are good or bad – how important any mother is — is inflated. The sad truth is so much of what your kid will become has squat to do with you and everything to do with what they are made of. I’ve siblings and we all couldn’t be more different, even though we have the same parents. Our levels of caring, ambition, everything — all different. My father and his sister were orphaned at a young age, losing both parents. They each grew up, and were wholly different people. So, um, give yourself a break, you sure deserve it. A) You are more than good enough B) even if you weren’t, unless you were a total psychpath, the kid would be ok. Actually, one of my most loving successful pals lost her dad and the mother was batshit, institutionalized, a total bad mommy. So, take heart! Best, occasional lucker/reader lady who enjoys your blog, although I’ve never understood the whole weekly winners jazz. I’m probably half-witted.
Susie´s last blog ..
#94 by Shannon on September 11, 2009 - 11:42 PM
Who IS good enough? Really! It’s easy to think other people are so much better at this gig and in some ways they probably are. Just as I’m probably better at other aspects of parenting. None of of us is good enough or worthy enough. It’s not possible.
But no one is or could be a better mom to your kids than you. I really believe that.
Shannon´s last blog ..To the Inventor(s) of Wallpaper
#95 by Kelley on September 12, 2009 - 1:01 AM
babe, no one is a perfect parent. Those that think they are, are delusional.
So I guess that makes you sane. Hmmmm, interesting concept. *snigger*
#96 by Leisa Hammett on September 12, 2009 - 7:53 AM
Hello, Lotus. Apparently, I’m the last mom who blogs in Nashville to connect your face, your name, your fabulous photography and your blog. Nice to make the connection.
My 1.5 cents here. We live in a hyper-critical, uber-scrutinized society today that invites us to believe we are inadequate. The little secret is that we have a choice to refuse the invitation. And, I’m not sure I’ve ever met a mother who thought she was good enough. But my truth is that most of us are doing the best that we can in any given moment. And in each moment, that good enough may look different. And then, ideally, we move on. Look back? Opp to learn. Then move on. Am I free of guilt? No. But I also know that I, like probably ever other human being on this planet have a “sabateur” that tells me toxic things like I’m not good enough. And if I listened to it long enough I’ll drink it’s poison and start believing it. Kick the bad mother list. Celebrate what you do well. You’re funny. You take great pictures. You’re cool. And these things do count in the land of motherhood. See you around the blogosphere in cyper or real time Ciao! Look for a meet up coming soon or contact me re.
Leisa Hammett´s last blog .."Grace"
#97 by Elaine on September 12, 2009 - 9:35 AM
Those are my feelings too.
#98 by Cassandra Rae {Simply Fearless} on September 12, 2009 - 11:21 PM
Oh Lotus I love you! Just the act of publishing this post makes you good enough. And thank you for saying out loud what so many people think inside.
Just this past week I wrote in my journal, “When you stop trying to prove your worth, then you discover how invaluable you truly are.” And facing the truth that you often feel not good enough is the first step from walking away from it and allowing yourself to be good enough. Yeah, we always have room to grow and goals to strive for. But, we do get there faster when we love and embrace who we are right now. Believe me your Little One benefits when you give yourself the gift of good enough.
Cassandra Rae {Simply Fearless}´s last blog ..I’m really in a groove!
#99 by Neil on September 13, 2009 - 11:48 AM
As a non-parent, I am a little confused by this post. What exactly do you mean by thinking you are “not good enough?” I’m assuming that a child is not the same as building a wood table in the tool shed. At the end you see the finished table and you can see the good and bad points. But you seem like a pretty loving parent who does all of the right things, so why do you worry that you can be better? What would you do differently, and how do you know what is better or worse, especially at a young age? Isn’t it true that some kids learn more and have more fun playing with a box than a fancy new toy? A lot of parents push their kids into all sorts of activities to get them a head start, but is this really good or bad? You’ll probably never really know whether you made the right choices until your child is 90 years old and thinks about his own life. I think if your child seems happy, playful, learns to say please and thank you, and seems to be curious about the world around him you are doing a terrific job.
Neil´s last blog ..Too Close For Comfort
#100 by pgoodness on September 14, 2009 - 3:06 PM
There’s not a lot I can add here that 98 other people haven’t said already, but just know that you aren’t alone, we all feel this way. Just keep trying, you’re doing just fine.
pgoodness´s last blog ..Blah day
#101 by kompostela on September 15, 2009 - 8:28 AM
I’m like you. Quick to anger and sometimes selfish. I am trying to do something about it and for some periods everything is great but than again failure. Every time it’s more painful. I can’t live with it and can’t find way out. I pray, read books, meditate, and so on. I can’t stop it. I’m really feel myself bad about it.
I don’t want to tell that I’m happy to read that you are in the same situation. I don’t see anything good about it. And the fact that other parents feel the same doesn’t heel me.
Is that the part of wisdom the parents receive with newborn children?
Perhaps… Oh Lotus tell me what shall I do?
kompostela´s last blog ..Traveling with toddler
#102 by Miss Britt on September 16, 2009 - 7:33 AM
Sweetheart, please hear me.
“that he is a happy boy most of the time.”
That is more, more, more than good enough.
That is the POINT.
Of all of it.
Miss Britt´s last blog ..A Bulleted Update On My Status. Because Bloggers Have To Believe You Give A Crap.
#103 by Al_Pal on September 22, 2009 - 4:54 AM
Love is certainly worth a whole lot. B’s smile, and that you care, are worth a whole lot.
You are good enough, smart enough, and goshdarnit, people like you.
I wish you well in your endeavors to become more patient, less selfish, and slower to anger.
*HUGS*