The post where I admit that I may have branded myself stupidly. But not really. I’m just being sarcastic. Get it? Ahahahaha. Ha.
Because there have been, and will continue to be, plenty of times when my posts and thoughts do not reflect the name of this website at all. And me? I couldn’t care less. But every now and again someone mentions to me that I’m not being sarcastic or whatever, and then I think about it. And I’m all anxious and nervous for a little bit, thinking OMG IT IS FINALLY OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE THAT I AM A FAILURE IN ALL THAT I DO. And then it kicks in: the not giving a shitness, but rather being annoyed at having it pointed out to me. (Because I am nothing if not a sensitive jerkface douche who can’t handle a little bit of criticism without blowing things all out of proportion. I rule.)
My real name is Lotus and I can assure you I do not smell flowery all the time. I am also not an expensive, fast sports car. I am more of a rusted pinto with a rotten fish in the back seat. Mmmm, rotten fish. Sexy.
So yeah, when I started this blog, I was in a hurry to get the show on the road, and I was sitting here going, “What should I call this thing?”
Ideas I Had:
- Call it the secret name that you have for your vagina.
- Use a couple of words that best describe who you are right now.
- Steal the name of a popular blog and then pretend you didn’t know it existed.
- Pay a hilarious and witty celebrity to name it for you.
- Call it Tit Fingers.
Outcomes:
- Then it wouldn’t be a secret anymore. Especially to myself. Since my vagina hasn’t even told me its secret name yet. We have trust issues. That’s an entirely different story. Anyway, a no-go.
- Seemed good. I asked myself, “Who am I right now?”
SAHM who interacts with son & husband more than anyone else.
Interaction with son: Mom
Interaction with husband: Sarcastic Bitch (Loving Wife would be nice, but I suck.)Example Situation: I am standing at the stove with a spatula hovering over a pancake. John comes walking into the room, says, “Oooh, are you making pancakes?” I look at him in bewildered disgust and reply, “Hell no, I’m not making pancakes. I was just minding my own business when this flapjack jumped through the window, and then tried to escape through the back door. I am aware that this flapjack is harboring secrets against our government, however, and am currently administering heat torture to force him to speak. The spatula is just to keep him at bay. Damn communist flapjack. I tell you, I won’t have it. And you? You think this is just a pancake I’m making. You are a prime example of why this country is going to hell in a hand basket. Pancakes indeed. I may have to kill you tonight.”
I find myself incapable of giving him a straight answer. “Ooh, are you making pancakes?” “Yes, dear, I am.” WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
So, it appeared I was: a) A Mom and b) An incurable sarcastic bitch in my daily life.
Sarcastic Mom
- The story I came up with to cover why I would call my blog Dooce was all about how I am obsessed with poop (Who does number two work for!?), but don’t spell well in French. Both of those things are actually true, so it’s this really awesome lie of a story made up of totally true elements. Which meant I might really even be able to pass a lie detector test and everything. Except for the part when they’d ask me if I knew that there already was a Dooce website. That and the thing about how Heather Armstrong would totally kick my ass stopped this plan dead in its tracks.
- I was really keen on this but Conan O’Brien not only started refusing my phone calls, but informed me that used tin foil, dryer lint, and desperate sexual acts are not acceptable payment and that furthermore, he’s married, wasn’t interested, and I’m stupid and ugly. Then he requested a restraining order against me. It’s okay, I know it’s all a front to keep his wife in the dark about our secret love. Which is so secret that even he is not aware of it. But it kind of made me have to go with one of the other plans again.
- This is totally still my backup blog name. I just checked; it’s available. Can you believe no one has snatched up TitFingers.com??? If this website ever disappears, and you want to find me, look that name up.
I have to warn. I might not always talk about tits. Or fingers. Or touching breasts with phalanges. You know, just FYI.
Oh, by the way, on the occasions where I say or write something that’s not sarcastic, please forget to inform me of this grave error. I know it is highly unacceptable for a person to ever say or write anything that does not perfectly reflect their moniker or website name. And yet? Look how much I care.
I really should have my ass kicked for that.
Just pretend that my not being sarcastic is just me being really sarcastic about being sarcastic.
Yeah. Stuff that in your pipe.
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Mr Lady
Guess what? I don’t drink.
Mr Ladys last blog post..In The Velvet Darkness
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Mr Lady,
Do you at least use a sippy cup!?
You’re not a man, either, are you? EVIL TRICKERY!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Sarah
This made me laugh. A lot. So much my stomach stitches hurt. Thank you, I needed it tonight.
Sarahs last blog post..An unexpected answer to prayer
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Sarah,
It hurts so good?
Hope you’re healing well.
Laughter is the best medicine, right? Does that still count if it also busts out your stitches?
Hm.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
LaskiGal
Oh, the irony . . .
Sarcastic. Not sarcastic.
I’m pretty sure no one is going to stay away (except the one or two you wouldn’t want anyway).
Kara
I think your mojo might be back in residence now
Glad you wrote this. Thank goodness no one has called me on not always writing about autism or being graceful….I’d be an utter failure.
Karas last blog post..Happy birthday w/ our friends.
Kari C
So thankful that mine is not the only husband who asks the blatanly obvious questions. Also so glad that I am not the only who answers exactly that way!! Sadly, the husband does not appreciate the sarcasm and is often backing away with hurt feelings. Yet….what about mine with the stupid questions?? sigh It is a burden we must bear!!!
Glad you are back and starting to feel better!!
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Kari C,
Honestly, I feel bad about it all the time.
But not enough to change. That’s just going too far. And would require real effort. WHO HAS THE TIME!?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
kompostela
This very informative post answered to almost all my questions:)
kompostelas last blog post..Drawing on the Cereal for Developing Fine Motor Skills
Allie
Tit Fingers. I. Am. Dying. I must incorporate this phrase into my daily life.
witchypoo
I suggest you register the tit fingers domain. Before someone else does.
It’s awesome.
witchypoos last blog post..Teh Awesome One Needs You
DeuceMom
#3 – in a world before I knew about “mommy bloggers” and to be honest “blogging” in general (in a world without meaning that is to say), DH and I started calling our unborn son Deuce, and he DeuceDad and I DeuceMom. Hope that doesn’t earn me an ass kicking! I mean, it was a coincidence. And it’s spelled differently! Ouch, that’s my butt!!!
DeuceMoms last blog post..Meet Gunny!
Jackie
I get paranoid and a little twitchy whenever I hear the bloggy experts say that you have to have a “brand”. How am I supposed to always speak in the same voice? I dont’ even think I’m always the same person! Oh well. too bad, my blog will just have to reflect my own psychotic distortions.
You just keep on being you.
Jackies last blog post..Twilight
Secret Agent Mama
“Just pretend that my not being sarcastic is just me being really sarcastic about being sarcastic.”
Pure Genius!
That being said, I really am a secret agent. You know this to be true.
jill
this is deliciously different for you. and I like it.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@jill,
Eh, I’m just waking up again. But only for a minute. Being awake is so overrated.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Amanda
I’m torn between the visual of tit fingers as a form of finger food served at parties with beer, and actual fingers protruding from a pair of tits. Both images are equally disturbing.
I am a major asshole to Aaron, too. I don’t know why. It just happens. I think I assume a different identity when I am with him. Then when I feel guilty, I make an extra effort to be super sweet to him later, only for him to somehow piss me off again. It’s a vicious cycle.
Also, how dare you write the way you feel like writing in your own blog? Don’t you realize that your blog is about US, and not you? Sheesh.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Amanda,
But what about fingers with tits growing off the ends?
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Amanda
@Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus, I hadn’t thought of that, yikes!
Would they lactate?
Ashley @ mrs007.com
it is utterly amazing to me that Tit Fingers hasn’t been snatched up….
see I should have been Sarcastic Mom…but some “incurable sarcastic bitch” had already used that name
Ashley @ mrs007.coms last blog post..Is wine a cure for PMS?
Special K
Ok I will fess up, I am really not all that special. I am also not part of a healthy diet or a horse tranquilizer. There, I said it. I feel better now!
Special Ks last blog post..Thank you and an update
ali
tit fingers = best blog name ever.
can also be used for a band, if need be.
awesome.
Tabitha
You are my favorite person ever…nay, my hero. Your blog continually inspires me, whether it’s inspiration to be completely myself in my blog, or to share more of my personal thoughts, or to be funnier, or to talk about my own experience with a kid’s scatastrophe (see recent TMI post). I just like you a lot.
Tabithas last blog post..TMI Thursday: The joys of part-time parenting.
Barbara
How about sarcastic tit fingers?
Barbaras last blog post..74/365 – Spring Sunshine
Suzanne
I goofed, because I thought it meant you were sarcastic to Braden .
Seriously? People point out that you may not be sarcastic? Guess I should rename my blog, because there are actually get phone calls from me!
Suzannes last blog post..I’m Honored As a Stalker
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
And when you move to titfingers.com? I’m totally buying tittoes.com. It’ll be my tribute to YOU as an awesome blogger.
Plus I could say “tit toes” about 100 times and never get sick of the way it sounds.
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Goin’ for extra credit
Twitter: mommy_wins
Sarah
Huh. I must have a…I don’t know…RATIONAL brain because I never thought of informing you when your posts weren’t sarcastic. Either that or I’m just an idiot for not realizing that your blog name had to be a part of every single post instead of just a name of a blog that represents you…hmm…
I think I’ll go with having a rational brain. I spend enough time as an idiot…in this case I’ll call myself right.
Sarahs last blog post..The Journey to CF (Part 2)
Twitter: sadiecass
Nicole
Ha! That’s how I wish I talked to my husband. he hates sarcasm so I am forced to bottle it up inside…which is difficult. I’m sure I will be taking it out on the kids once they are old enough to get it. Oh well.
Jerseygirl89
Wow, I guess I don’t have enough free time to complain about people’s blog posts not always living up to their names. Damn.
Or maybe it’s just that my own blog is not very dirty, despite its title – which I just picked because I couldn’t think of anything better at the time and had no idea I was supposed to become a brand.
Jerseygirl89s last blog post..Search Term Fun
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why!
You are totally a Sarcastic Mom. That’s why we love you. Mine is Peddlin’ Crazy. Problem there? I ain’t peddlin’ the shit, I am apparently buying it in bulk. I got it half right. The crazy half.
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why!s last blog post..What Happened to This Guy?
Jennifer A
I guess I could always change my blog to “Scrapbooking Addicted Mom on Happy Pills.”
There was toast on the celing once and it was my doing. Then I realized why I am an underwriter and not a professional photographer.
Also, Tit Fingers? Now I won’t be able to read your blog at work,
Jennifer As last blog post..Potty Training = EPIC MOMMY FAIL
Veronica
Sometimes I wonder if my blog is a self fulfilling prophesy. God knows these kids of mine don’t sleep.
But at the end of the day, even when they are sleeping through the night, I will still be Sleepless Nights. It’s the thing about a personal blog, it changes as we do.
Veronicas last blog post..Solidarity
Veronica
@Veronica, God, I meant the content changes as we do.
Veronicas last blog post..Solidarity
jennielynn
Yeah, I was looking at changing to Pill-Popping Mama, since I no longer have a preteen, toddler or newborn. Unfortunately, my mother complained. Said she had called dibs for that one.
And the whole pancake thing? I will laugh about that for the entire day. Especially when I make pancakes for dinner.
jennielynns last blog post..I’m Saying Uncle
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com
I have to say I’m pretty surprised that titfingers.com is still out there. Just waiting. Patiently biding its time.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.coms last blog post..A brilliant idea gone horribly awry.
Joie at Canned Laughter
In the olden days when I was young and so was the internet, I coined what I thought was a very clever moniker. I used my unusual hobby of creating yarn on my spinning wheel and came up with “Cyberspinner”.
“Cyberspinning” is now slang for writing internet porn.
The moral of the story? Never try to live up to your internet name. Unless you’re into porn.
Joie at Canned Laughters last blog post..Happy St. Paddy’s Day
Michelle Smiles
Snort. I am probably sarcastic more often than I smile. When I saw the name of your blog, I did one of those coulda had a V-8 head slaps.
Miss Britt
I’m confused – someone called you seriously for not being sarcastic?! Are you sure THEY weren’t being sarcastic? That’s the only possible reason that makes sense.
Miss Britts last blog post..Bad JuJu
Karen MEG
Well I for one have always found you amazingly sarcastic in a totally Lotus kinda way.
My blog name should probably get the award for the most unoriginal and boring on earth… which I may well be, but you’d think I’d be smart enough to at least fake the creativity at the outset. Heck, it shows up as a category on most blogs.
Oh well. Shows you how brilliant a sleep deprived mom of a 4 year old and 4 month old can be… NOT!
Karen MEGs last blog post..Almost two months
Marketing Know-Nothing
I may be late to the game… but I think I just found my new favorite blog.
.-= Marketing Know-Nothing´s last blog ..Peer Mentor =-.