The stuff that gets in the way.
So, I have a confession: I have been having a hard time keeping my shit together lately. See also: Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (fatigue, joint pain, muscle weakness, hair loss, and more!), See also: Miscarriage Anniversary Looming, See also: Financial Distress, See also: Marital Issues, See also: I’m a headcase.
And it is true that I have had something like Writer’s Block for some time. I have long spaces of time when I believe I have nothing to say that you will be interested in reading. I sit down and think, “Surely I can come up with something!” And I open a text file and I stare at it, thinking. Nothing comes. Nothing is worth coming.
Then, other nights, I write things, posts, in text files and then I do not publish them. Because they suck. You would think they are stupid. (So I tell myself.) This would be more like Sharer’s Block? Blogging Anxiety? I Suckaphobia?
And then there are all the things that won’t come when I sit down to write them to you because there are other things that block them – things I can’t talk to you about. What I mean by that is I have issues I WANT to share with you, but it feels weird to talk about this thing when I know I haven’t told you about thoooose things.
Do I write about those things? Hell yes I do. Is the writing good? I think so. Will I share it with you?
I can’t.
Some things you just can’t post to the world because they aren’t only yours to post, does that make sense?
But the more of those things that I have, the harder it gets for me to come here and talk to you about everything else, like my friends. That’s kind of how I’ve always felt when writing these posts. I know it’s somewhat silly to think that way, and I’m not trying to be mushy and sentimental to win you over. It’s just the tone I always feel inside when I write to YOU.
This is not an academic essay I’m writing – though I can write those, I’ve completed tons of them in my time, and none too shabby, I’ll have you know. It’s not a performance piece, where I just need to elicit emotion with whatever works. It’s not fiction, where I can spin any tale just to delight. It isn’t a review, where all I really have to do is lay out the way it works and what I think of it.
It’s an ongoing conversation I’m having with you about my life.
When there are bumps that invariably happen from my life intersecting with the lives of others, sometimes I can’t talk about those bumps. Because it’s not my place to have the conversation that they might or might not want to have with you about THEIR lives.
So then, I guess I just have to say, Friends, there is(are) something(s) that is(are) affecting me in some way(s) that we can’t talk about. And now I have to find a path around that(them) so I can keep talking to you about my other life stuff.
And that’s hard for me to do. I’m emotional and the things I experience have a way of leaking and spilling out onto the rest of my life. I should learn to compartmentalize more. I don’t know.
And maybe this whole thing seems STUPID to you, because “DUH, LOTUS. We ALL have things we keep to ourselves. We ALL have stories we don’t tell everyone. Hell, most people don’t feel the need to tell everyone half the shit you think the world needs to know. I mean, really, you tell us practically every time you have your period. GET A FILTER.” And OKAY, FINE. But the thing is, I’m still developing as a writer and a blogger. This place defined itself to me from the start as My Blog: Where I Tell You What Runs Through My Head. My idea of “what this is” has changed. I can’t tell you what runs through my head when I’d have to tell you that Mr. C did horrible thing Y and I want to strangle his face until it turns blue and falls off. Because you know, Mr. C has privacy rights. I can’t tell you that I have a constant issue with Problem ABC and I think it’s because Mrs. W did batshit crazy thing X and it impacted me in a really profound way.
I can tell you about how I feel, but I can’t always tell you why. And that’s kind of douchey. But Mr. C and Mrs. W own their own stuff, and I can’t tell it for them.
My family and friends have privacy rights. Those assholes.
So let’s just say, that among other things, it’s taking me time, in fits and spurts to keep telling you my stories without telling you their stories.
Maybe one day there will be a time to talk about those things. Perhaps there never will. I’m trying to find a way to be okay with that and hoping I can just move past it.
I’m learning that it IS okay not to tell you everything (zomg) but I have to say it out loud for some reason. I think, if I say this out loud right now, it’s going to help me move this block.
For now, maybe just saying to you that I’ll tell you most of everything, but not some stuff, will help me climb over this boulder, that mountain, and occasionally kick those rocks out of my way, so we can keep walking this path together.
I mean, it would be such a shame to miss the colors this season with you. The foliage is so beautiful just up ahead.
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Amber @ pacigraveyard
I could have written this exact same post. I feel the same way. But we love reading what you write, if it’s silly trivial things, or larger life events. Regardless, it’s you, and we appreciate it. You’ll always have an audience here to read your words, whenever you’d like to talk with us. =)
Love.
.-= Amber @ pacigraveyard´s last blog ..Letter to my Future Self =-.
Kel
Simple perfection. That’s all I have to say. Your writing always amazes me. And all of this makes perfect sense.
.-= Kel´s last blog ..The Acquaintance =-.
Keely
Makes total sense to me. But wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t have to feel like we need to filter? I’m frequently telling myself I wish I could blog “This” but mostly hold back so I don’t embarrass, hurt, or anger someone. I sort of hate that feeling.
Twitter: Keely
Nancy from Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas
I totally understand. You’re right. Some things don’t belong on a blog. That said, there are lots of folks here that love and adore you who would be happy to lend an ear (live, by phone or even email) at any time.
Twitter: fandpinlv
Denise
Not being able to talk about certain things… that became to problem with my blog from the get-go. I originally really wanted to delve into the live of the wife and families of men who live their life making music. Really show the good and the bad…
…but I quickly realized there was SO MUCH I couldn’t talk about. I very, very, very rarely will mention who Craig works for because I don’t want anything I may say come back to haunt us. (And TRUST ME… I have some SERIOUS rants I could have written over time.) I never want what I write to hurt him or anyone else close to use… personally nor professionally. It limits the things I can write about.
FWIW — For those posts… I do have a private journal that I have a limited number of friends who have access to it. I think writing is therapeutic, and the feedback from it therapeutic as well. So I keep my super emotional private stuff over there. It’s… an option.
*hugs*
.-= Denise´s last blog ..Gazing into November =-.
Twitter: niseag03
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Denise,
Hah, yes, the music business. I’ve had PLENTY of things I’ve wanted to rant about concerning John’s work, but I do keep that stuff off of the blog, for the most part.
No point in ruining his career because of my mouthy attitude, right?
But OH YES.
I do actually feel better just writing the posts and talking to friends about things… but for some reason I need to say here, hey! I have some stuff I might not be able to share.
I have friends in IM who provide a much needed place for me to vent on a pretty much daily basis, though. I’m totally grateful for them. They get almost everything that Twitter doesn’t have to chew on! Hahaha.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Kara - down to earth mommy
I am hoping that NaBloPoMo 2009 will help me overcome this same hurdle on my blog.
I gots lots to say, but won’t because it isn’t mine to say yet. But there is so much else going on that I need to put something else down besides 15 fb updates a day…they become a mini blog in themselves.
.-= Kara – down to earth mommy´s last blog ..Things searched for =-.
Veronica
Firstly, you know where I am if you need an email ear. I’ll always listen.
Second, sometimes things get too big to write about. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you can’t share it. It sucks. I know. Just, don’t let it build up in your head until it swallows you. Vent to someone, somewhere. It will help.
.-= Veronica´s last blog ..I caved and created the damn lists. =-.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Veronica,
Thanks, babe. You know I <3 you, dearly.
I do write it out, and for me that helps.
Just can’t publish some things. In a way, I think that’s actually a good thing.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
WackyMummy
Me too. Enough said.
.-= WackyMummy´s last blog ..Christmas Card Season =-.
Ree
If you have any doubts at all, do not post unless you cover it with them. Take it from me. My blog is gone today because I didn’t listen to a little niggling doubt in my head.
.-= Ree´s last blog ..Haiku Saturday – The Answers, Part 2 =-.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Ree,
Holy shit, woman! Let us talk.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Elizabeth
Oh honey, I can so totally relate. I go back and forth about wanting to write about (this big issue I have) on my blog, but I can’t really write about it, can’t really delve into it, unless I also write about (this other big thing that happened), and if I wrote about that big thing, it would open up a lot more issues, and…yeah. Right there with ya.
Hope it helps to know that other people understand. Big hugs.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Elizabeth,
Yup, it sounds like you totally get it.
Have you heard of stabbing pumpkins? Heh.
I think just saying this here will help me. I do write about the stuff..
I just can’t share it all here, b/c it’s not all “mine.”
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Marylin
/agrees with Veronica. Don’t bottle it up. Even just writing it down in a private journal helps sometimes, or like Denise said, you could have a set-to-private blog for just a few of your closest friends to read and back you up?
*hugs*
I hate the censoring crap, it sucks doesn’t it?
.-= Marylin´s last blog ..Four year old up for adoption… free of charge. =-.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Marylin,
Oh, totally, I have lovely posts in text files just for moi.
I also have Skype friends and such to abuse.
But sometimes it feels like I’m leaving holes here, when I never wanted to do that. I’m growing and developing in this website continually, and I’m learning that that’s okay. Just wanted to vomit it out and see if that helps me move onward more steadily.
Yes, censoring does suck! But, in some ways, thank goodness I’m capable of it. I was beginning to wonder if I had that skill at all.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Mary
I can’t say I know *exactly* how you feel, but I do know sortof how you feel, and I’m totally with you. It’s one of the struggles of the internet age and of being a writer in general — we write to figure out who we are and what the world’s about, but that involves so much searching and intense personal experience and it’s just … well, it’s hard! It’s hard to go through and hard to write about, and especially hard to share. So, just to add my voice to the chorus here, if you wanna keep taking photos and sharing that, or if you wanna slowly share little bits of your experience, or whatever you want to do, you have my support.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Post Mortem: What’s wrong with this essay? =-.
Shari
Trust when I say, I know this feeling. Blogging is complex and those people you share your life with make it so hard sometimes.
You poor, muffin.
.-= Shari´s last blog ..Halloween is over and now I have to ask myself, do I feel lucky? Well, do I, punk? =-.
kys
I have that writer’s block thing going on over here, too. (I have fibromyalgia which complicates my life at times.) Hang in there.
.-= kys´s last blog ..Clearly, My Husband Hates Me =-.
Jennifer S^N
If I was your fairy godmother and could grant you 3 wishes what would they be? ( Sorry, this is totally unrelated to your post…but I seem to be asking a lot of people this question lately and the answers are profound! Even if you can’t or don’t want to tell me the answers..I get it …I hope that your dreams come true!
lots of <3 to you and yours!
Jessica
I feel your pain for sure. There is SO much I’d love to say and vent but I can’t. Especially about my husband’s work. I can’t twitter any specifics or blog because they have a large internet presence. I hate it. Even besides that, I don’t have friends with kids who I can talk to and can’t say it on my blog. Its a fine line. I hope this gives you what you need. Maybe I should find some Skype friends.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..The rest of the costumes =-.
Secret Mom Thoughts
I totally understand that you can’t always share everything. I went through a hard period a while back and I only really told one person what was going on. Overburdened her I’m sure. Hope things get better.
.-= Secret Mom Thoughts´s last blog ..Favre Cam =-.
Kat
Yeah. There are lots of blank spaces on my blog. Lots of stuff I’d like to say but can’t say there, and it definitely puts a full stop there sometimes when I go to write about something else. I think my blog gets kind of whitewashed, and I envy those people, in a small way, who blurt everything. I say in a small way, because honestly, I don’t keep going back if bitching and moaning is all they do. Life is tough, but we sorta get more of what we put our attention on, and I’d rather keep my attention on what’s uplifting and humorous about life. So… yeah. I feel you. But I think it’s okay.
.-= Kat´s last blog ..Halloween Sneak Preview =-.
pgoodness
Wait, you don’t share EVERYTHING with us??? WHAT?!
I kid. =)
Write what you need to, post what you can. I have to say, the nosy part of me is dying to know every detail, but the understanding, wonderful part of me knows exactly of what you speak.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..feels good =-.
Twitter: Pgoodness
Joie
Dude. Can I relate and how! I tell myself that I write for pleasure and when it feels pleasurable, I’ll write again. So far- bupkis. But psssst… here’s a little secret: You don’t owe your devoted readers (like me) a thing. We wuv you and the bewbs and we will be glad for what you share when you share it. For now you take care of you.
Miss
Not sure what it might count for, but I think you are beautiful. I entirely understand what you are dealing with and I’d just like to be able to take you away from all that stuff you can’t write about. We could drink hot cocoa and do each other’s hair and none of that stuff would even matter.
xo
.-= Miss´s last blog ..He Mele No Lilo =-.
witchypoo
I get it. I’ve been posting just often enough to keep BlogHer from yanking the ads. Not ready to yank the whole blog yet, but still…I’m feeling ya.
Mommy Cracked
I totally get this, dude. I really, really do.
.-= Mommy Cracked´s last blog ..Boys Will Be Boys =-.
3 Stinky Boys and Me
Oh, how I understand what you’re saying. All the time I want to blog about the batty thing Mrs. X did AGAIN, and AGAIN, and AGAIN! Ugh! But you’re right, it’s not for me to blog about and I never want to knowingly hurt anyone, even though it would make an incredibly mind blowing post.
.-= 3 Stinky Boys and Me´s last blog ..Toddler Talk =-.
Athena
If you need/want to talk, I’m in a closer time zone now and on skype.
Much Love!
~A
.-= Athena´s last blog ..Witchy =-.
Karen Bannan
OK, first off…I love your tags. Had to laugh when I saw the “I need fucking therapy” tag.
I am having a similar issue with my blog. I’m finding that stuff I write is coming back to bite me in the butt. I wrote about playdates, and this new acquaintance completely overreacted when her kid tapped my kid. Her kid is two, mine is 16-months. I know it was because I wrote that when kids go off on a playdate and the mom does nothing, I tend to let those friends go away. Meanwhile, I meant when the kid continuously pummels my kid or wrecks my house. Not a tiny, teeny tap on the chest.
I am still learning about what’s too much, too little, TMI. But I will say that it sounds like you need to unburden yourself. I have a feeling I know what you’re hinting at. If you ever want to talk to a complete stranger who also happens to be a fellow blogger, I’m always available to listen.
Thanks for giving me a smile tonight. And I am sorry you’re going through something right now.
.-= Karen Bannan´s last blog ..Échappé, Glissade, Pas de Bourrée — No Way! =-.
Jennifer S^N
“One of the few things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book, or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is the signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.”
-Annie Dillard, The Writing Life p.78
Amo
Something I’ve learned over the years and have to remind myself of daily: “Just because we have characters in our story, doesn’t mean we are at liberty to share them.” I think that we all have to self-censor whether it’s in this internet world or our outside lives. Everything I’m told by a friend is sacred.
Especially you.
Love you!
.-= Amo´s last blog ..Filed under: Only Happens to Amo =-.
Your Girl Mishi
I love that I can tell you everything! And that you know you can do the same.
xo
.-= Your Girl Mishi´s last blog ..Weekly Winners {The Print Edition} =-.
Velvet Verbosity
Huh. I haven’t been “here” in a long long while. Pretty much for the reasons you’ve laid out here in this post. I was having a “life moment”, and it lasted for a good year and I just couldn’t blog. (No blogging meant no reading either, I guess.)
Anyway…it is the weird paradox that blogging sets up for us. For a large majority of bloggers, it’s real time autobiography, and when you write an autobiography, there are people that get hurt. Unless your life and all the people in it were perfect, in which case no one’s going to read that autobiography anyway.
I have struggled with this from day one, but it got worse when I started getting actual readers, and then it got a whole lot worse when things in my life suddenly took a nose dive because of some stuff other people were doing.
So I would go to my blog, knowing that there were a handful of people out there expecting me to SAY SOMETHING. But how could I? How could I blog a writing challenge when the only thing I could think about was that I was in so much pain I felt like I had been skinned alive? If that pain were caused by a disease, or something where no one was at fault, I probably would’ve written about that. But this pain was related to some suck that other people had perpetrated, and to talk about it meant I’d opening up a huge can of worms and I wouldn’t be able to unsay it later when I felt better.
So my blog went dark. Just like that.
One of my readers emailed me and offered support, and urged me to keep going. So I did.
Still, I’m constantly aware of the paradox. Of how I have some relationship to my readers, and yet…that relationship is with only one tiny slice of all of me.
Such is the dilemma of a blogger.