thepenismightier
The red phone rings.
You do know the red phone, right? It’s the one that all of us A-List rock star bloggers have that automatically connects us with each other.
“This is Avitable.”
“Hi, it’s Lotus.”
“What’s today’s password?”
“Heather sticks her tongue in men’s assholes.”
“Correct. So, what’s up?”
“I need a guest post.”
“I knew you’d call in that favor sometime. I guess I owe you for getting rid of that dead hooker for me.”
“Too bad for you that you didn’t know anyone else with lots of lyme and a chainsaw.”
“True, true. Are there any parameters to this guest post? Restrictions? Demands?”
“Just no full frontal nudity. Everything else is okay with me.”
“Okay, I’ll get right on it.”
“Damn straight you will. *click*”
************
I’ve racked my brain. How do I, of all people, appeal to an audience that reads a blog like this one? She used to have a picture of a fucking pacifier in the header and has a kid and talks about being a mom and baby poop and pregnancy and topics like that. This is all emotional shit here – how can a childless man even understand or empathize? I hear stuff like “You don’t have kids, so you wouldn’t understand” or “You’re just a man, you wouldn’t understand” all of the time. And it’s probably true. I don’t understand babies or the love of them. I don’t understand why people continue to procreate. I don’t understand why children aren’t locked up until they’re 10.
But I’m still a sensitive, emotional guy. I use Aveda moisturizing face wash and I love the Gilmore Girls. I can talk on the phone for hours and think most men have a short circuit in their brains. I notice when my wife gets her hair cut or wears a new outfit. So I know I have it in me to convince you, dear reader of Sarcastic Mom, that I am one of you.
Then it hit me. Last year, to show solidarity for all of the women who wrote letters to their bodies as part of that BlogHer initiative, I wrote my own. What better way to show my sensitive side, to fit in with the Sarcastic Mom readers, than to repost it here?
Dear Body,
I love you.
I knew that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, and butter would make you into an object of desire and affection.
I love that you can displace all of the water in a pool with one cannonball.
I love that your pants would feed a largish village in Africa.
I love that I get to use a mirror to see my penis and feet, since that lets me just gaze at myself.Your breasts started out firm, but after having many Baby Ruths, they have become a bit saggy, but that’s okay. I’d never be able to lick my own nipples otherwise.
Your stomach, pregnant with many, many food babies, has expanded, but that’s okay. It’s a good place to sit a book or balance a tray.
Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel, now brush together, but that’s okay. If I get trapped out in the wilderness, I can just wear corduroy and walk around to start a small fire.
Your penis, a mighty warrior of slightly above average size, has now hidden itself among your girth, but that’s okay. The smaller size makes it easier for smaller hands, say that of a high school aged girl.
Your butt, once shapely and taut, has become completely flat, but that’s okay. Now I can drop my pants easily without worrying about snags.
Your hair still covers every inch of you, except on the top of your head, but that’s okay. I enjoy being able to explore fashion trends with different types of hats.
Being the size of six normal people just means that you are six times as awesome! Being able to ride in solace in an elevator because you meet the weight limit alone is gratifying. Bringing your own titanium chair to restaurants allows you to protect the environment, and buying four seats on an airplane before you board gives you the comfort that none of those other passengers will ever experience.
Body, you’ll never understand how important I feel when the people at the Burger King drive-through know me by name. And that’s all thanks to you. And having the city of Altamonte Springs offer me my own roving zip code – that just warmed the cockles of my heart. When cars move out of the way as I cross the street because they don’t want to hit the large zoo animal who has clearly escaped, I always nod my head and secretly thank you. For I truly am special.
I love you, Body.
_____________________________________________________________________
When Avitable’s not busy smearing his asscrack across other people’s websites, he welcomes you to his with the flick of his bird. If you, too, believe that “tact is for pussies,” you’ll be kicking yourself in your own mightypenis if you don’t head over. *snicker*
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The Awesome
Alison
I love you man. haha
JustMiss
I’m turned on right now.
Damn. I need to get laid.
Mr Lady
Someday I will grow the balls to ask Avitable to guest post on my blog. Hell, someday I will grow the balls to ask Lotus to guest post. She’ll just bring less ass-crack with her. I’ll survive.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them
Ali
Wow, that is one hot arse. I need a cold shower.
Alis last blog post..Sometimes you can’t think of a title but don’t want to leave it blank
Special K
You know once is never enough with that ode to your body!
Lilacspecs
Heh, I’ve been meaning to add Avitable to my reader. This is a good reminder.
Oh and I like the new header but I do have to say, you left out “lazy douche” in the description of yourself. How long will it take you to fix it, you lazy douche.
Lisa
I will have to say, that’s one of the best odes I’ve read in a long time!
Lisas last blog post..You’re leaving the house wearing that?
kompostela
This is my most favorite guest post I’ve ever read on this blog:)
kompostelas last blog post..Merry Christmas To All Toddler Lovers
Avitable » Early retirement
[...] but I wrote a poignant and hilarious guest post for Lotus over at Sarcastic Mom today – go check it out and leave me some comment [...]
Avitable
Alison, I love me too!
Just Miss, didn’t I just read that you have a brand new toy now?
Mr Lady, a little ass-crack goes a long way.
Ali, I’m like totally a sexy supermodel.
Special K, I think I should post it annually, maybe.
Lilacspecs, everyone who’s added to my feedreader gets free cookies*. *Cookies not included.
Lisa, I thought it was the best one at the time, but I don’t think BlogHer liked it.
Kompostela, this is my most favorite guest post that I’ve ever written on this blog!
Avitables last blog post..Early retirement
kompostela
@Avitable, I give up and subscribe you on reader:))
kompostelas last blog post..Merry Christmas To All Toddler Lovers
lceel
I think I gotta go scratch my nuts. Oh, and thanks for the visual. This, THIS is what I get for asking for a RACK post.
lceels last blog post..And the beat goes on ….
Twitter: lceel
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@lceel,
Heh. In case you didn’t know, I post all my rack shots on my other blog.
http://sarcasticmom.com/lotus/
There’s a recent one there, if that helps.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
SingleParentDad
That’s some quality ass crack wipe-age right there ^^^
You go girl.
SingleParentDads last blog post..Best of the British Mummy Bloggers Carnival – First of 2009
bubblewench
You never cease to amaze me. I’d ask how you pull this stuff out of your ass, but seeing the size of it answers that question.
Miss Britt
Ah, man! And here I thought you were going to be giving us killer parenting advice!
Miss Britts last blog post..More Degrees Of Separation
Ashlie- MommyCosm
BWAAAAAAAHHHHH!
*snort*
breathe
Dude, you watch Gilmore Girls?! I knew there was a sensitive side in there somewhere.
AND…thank you for keeping your promise of full frontal nudity.
Great guest post.
Ashlie- MommyCosms last blog post..Chocolate Shot Cups: A MUST HAVE
Avitable
Lceel, oh, you want a tit shot? What’s your email address?
SPD, I’m all for woman power.
Bubblewench, it’s bigger on the inside, too, like the TARDIS.
Britt, every time I try that, you plug your ears and run away!
Ashlie, I love Gilmore Girls. I have the full series on DVD in the special collector’s carrying case. I’m not joking.
Avitables last blog post..Early retirement
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
Wow, that’s a whole lotta lovin’ right there…
Twitter: mommy_wins
kompostela
@Colleen – Mommy Always Wins, This man has effect of bomb:)
kompostelas last blog post..Merry Christmas To All Toddler Lovers
SECRET AGENT MAMA
Most hilarious post I’ve ever fucking read!
Faiqa
“Your thighs, once glistening pillars of steel…” You know, I feel like I missed out on that. Must have happened in the fourteen years we were estranged from one another.
Faiqas last blog post..Been There, Done That. And I’m Going to Do it Again.
Vic
I’m sending that picture to the husband – just so he knows what to aim for!
Vics last blog post..Vic the Vampire
Maggie's Mind
Mmm, cheeseburgers. Butter. Sex. Pizza.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners 12/21/08
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
So, you come here to land-o-mommy bloggers and you RE-POST? For fuck’s sake, man.
At least pretend you’ve given birth to a vampire spawn that eats its way out of your tum-tum or something.
I guess you have to use your body in old ways to get the new girls. You’re such a pimp.
*making your ass crack my iPhone background*
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..My Laziness Knows No Bounds
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Oh dear god, I’ve seen it all now.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..The position of Heather’s Back End Master is now closed
Avitable
Colleen, it takes discipline to maintain a body like this.
Secret Agent Mama, it’s supposed to be erotic! *sob*
Faiqa, I did ask you to inspect my thighs in high school. You just chose to ignore me.
Vic, it’s good to have goals.
Maggie’s Mind, and hairy butt crack. Don’t forget that.
Angie, no, I wrote a new post and then inserted elements from an old post! It’s an old blogger technique.
Avitables last blog post..I support my local economy!
Avitable
Heather, oh no. You haven’t seen it all. Be thankful.
Avitables last blog post..I support my local economy!
perpstu
BWAHAHA! I was so excited to see an Avitable guest post on my fave Sarcastic Mom site! You never fail to make me snort and laugh, which usually results in me having to wipe diet coke off the keyboard.
I love it and now I want a cheeseburger!
XOXO
Twitter: perpstu
Kat
That’s desktop wallpaper material right there…LOL
daisy
Oh no you didn’t….yes, yes you did.
Dammit Adam…it has taken months to get that image out of my head. Is no place on the internet safe?
You sexy beast.
daisys last blog post..Bedtime Stories
Talina
Oh my! Love the artistic nature of the photo, well done and the letter to your body… We are all right there with ya in one way or another.
Talinas last blog post..I am 4 months pregnant and trying to eat better, it is hard!
Twitter: TalinaN
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
RAWR, BABY, RAWR. I love the letter and the photo… but I have to be honest – my favorite part of your post, Adam, is the fact that you know where to go for dead hooker disposal.
I totally have the method perfected at this point.
*******
By the way, just FYI to everyone, the only rules I gave Avitable were “no full frontal nudity and don’t sell babies.” So I think we were all lucky that he didn’t offer babies for RENT today. Yeah? Heh.
And I almost told him he could do “the tuck.” But then I threw up in my mouth a little, so I guess he decided to stay away from that.
“It puts the lotion on its skin….”
You can all thank me now.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Avitable
Perpstu, Avitable guest posts are like car accidents. You can’t help stopping to look.
Kat, I also sell sex dolls with my likeness.
Daisy, oh, I know you loved it.
Talina, ass cracks are very artistic.
Lotus, damn! I should have done the tuck!
Avitables last blog post..Early retirement
Karen Sugarpants
Just commenting b/c you’re whining on Twitter. Baby.
Maria
You are completely insane, and I love it.
I commented. So stop guilt tripping us on twitter. That’s wrong.
Marias last blog post..So you want to take over the internet?
ed
you, sir, are a poet
Redneck Mommy
The love I have for you Adam, has never been as great as it is right now.
You, my dear sir, are truly one of a kind.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..My Two Cents On the Value of A Troll
Twitter: talesfromtyahoo.ca
whall
Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
whalls last blog post..1000th post: Convoluted wordpress upgrade log
Sheila (Charm School Reject)
Obligatory comment – right here, right now.
This was the most erotic post I’ve ever read. I swear.
xoxo
Sheila (Charm School Reject)s last blog post..It MeMeMe Time! ::woot::
Amanda
No matter how many times I see it, I never get tired of looking at your ass.
Amandas last blog post..And They Say "’Tis the Season To Be Jolly"
Karen Sugarpants
Can I use your ass picture for my Twitter background?
Jessica
Wow! That’s one of the funnest posts I’ve every read
hello haha narf
avitable’s letter to his body is truly one of my favorite blog posts ever. totally deserving of a rerun…
hello haha narfs last blog post..Questions? I’ve Got Answers.
Sue
OMG. hahaha. Better than the nuts shot!
Sues last blog post..Re-evaluating Old Goals
Mik
Wasn’t the “lock kids up until their 10″ the parenting advice?
And here was I thinking I’d never have to look at that glorious nudie shot ever again, my eyes!
Miks last blog post..Nuttier than a fruit cake
Oh, The Joys
I mean… who DOESN’T want to tap that?
Oh, The Joyss last blog post..Romanza!
Stephanie
I’m here so Adam will quit bitching….well..actually I read this blog all the time, but have never commented! Hi Lotus!
Your poor blog will never be the same.
Hot ass, Adam.
Stephanies last blog post..Why my stomach hurts.
river
This is funny.
I’m equally proud of the body I’ve built for myself out of chocolate and mashed potatoes.
Avitable
Karen, why you gotta be a hater?
Maria, what else is Twitter good for?
Ed, and I know it.
Redneck Mommy, oh yeah? Well, wait until you meet me.
Whall, I don’t buy no stinking magazines.
Sheila, you’re still masturbating from it, aren’t you?
Amanda, me either!
Karen, yes. I wish you would.
Jessica, hairy male nudity is always good for a laugh.
Hello, that’s what I was thinking.
Sue, the nut shot was crude. This is art.
Mik, who are you kidding? You go through my archives and check out that post every week.
Oh the Joys, hopefully a 7 foot convict named Bubba.
Stephanie, you should comment here more. Lotus doesn’t bite . . . much.
River, that sounds like something out of the Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
Margot
ODG That was one wild ride. “I can has cheezburger?” will never be the same for me. Well, I guess I should thank you for not posting a picture of you licking your own nipples. Damn, now I’m picturing that… PURE HAWT dude.
Angel Smith
Ass crack is the new black!
Angel Smiths last blog post..The truth of the matter.
SecretAgentMama
No, Avitable, it is erotic.. That’s really what I meant.
Poo Platter
Holy shit how many babies do you eat a day?
There is little to no chance of you ever drowning.
Poo Platters last blog post..Marriage or Parenthood?
Sunday Linky Love
[...] While Lotus is away her guest bloggers will play. That is some funny shit. [...]
Anthony Wilson
Fruit Cakes are the specialty of my grandmother, she bakes lots of fruit cakes.,~-
Jacob Patel
i love those german fruit cakes because they have more nuts in it .