They’re Out to Get Me.
I swear they are. I’m only nervous around maybe 3 things and they probably rank 2 on that list. I don’t believe in fear, unless it’s of completely irrational things like bridges. I believe that they are plotting to attack me by the tens of thousands, when I least expect it, and carry me off to their underground lair to be tortured and lampooned for the rest of my days. Their kind has mastered the scientific method of prolonging life as well, so I may be subjected to their belligerence forever.
They run from most people. They are afraid and attempt to flee, hiding high and low to prevent being seen. But me? They run straight at me. It’s as if they know that my heart leaps into my throat at the sight of them. They enjoy it. They enjoy my terror. Maybe they mistake my fear for respect. Or maybe they are so excited by my blatant discomposure that they want to see just how bad it can get. How far they can push me before I literally pass out and die from it.
I’m afraid to get out of bed @ night. I always have been, no matter where I’ve lived because the bastards always find me. They follow me. Or they search me out. Or they keep track of me through complicated methods of pygmy correspondence and thus are able to alert their brethren of my imminent arrival. As soon as I turn the light on, I look around and make sure I’m alone. And as soon as I let my guard down, I realize that I’m not. That their super stealth force ninja agent was waiting just behind the threshold: unseen and silent, but deadly nonetheless.
They are outside. Inside. In doorways. In hallways. In bedrooms. In closets. In alleys. Under cars. Behind trashcans. On the back porch. Everywhere. And they are coming for me. I just know it.
Those six legged little bastards called “waterbugs.”
They will attack soon.
What’s out to get you?
(I’m Maria by the way. I’ll bet Lotus thought I was going to go all batshit crazy on her readers and make them be like “Holy hell, why the FUCK did you let this bitch guest post?” but I totally didn’t. Ha. I showed her. And you. And you don’t even know me. Heh.)
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When she’s not loosing creepy crawlies onto the internet via guest post, Maria writes over at her own website, Immoral Matriarch, in the style of someone you would expect to go batshit crazy at any given moment. Therein lies the attraction. *wink*
48 comments
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Stassja
I could have written this post. We’re in a shitty old house deep in texas and “waterbugs” plague me endlessly. We’ve had exterminators and holes sealed, the fuckers keep showing up. I keep all my dishes in the dishwasher or plastic sealed crates because they shit on everything and it’s HUGE. I once made the mistake of poking my head onto the back patio at night and it was like a fucking scene from Fear Factor. There were HUNDREDS of two inch long monstrosities lying in wait to carry me away. I can’t wait to move out of this hellhole in two months, and the new house four states away will get an inaugaral splashing of Boric Acid. Motherfucking SHUDDER dude.
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Maria
@Stassja, Since we hired a Terminator we don’t have them as much as we used to, but there are still some and it’s NOT COOL. At all.
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laura
i don’t know but all of a sudden i have this weird sense of paranoia.
lauras last blog post..daily Hazel #120
Maria
@laura, Haha – something’s probably out to get you too. Never let your guard down.
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Lilacspecs
Bleh, I feel the same way about spiders.
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Maria
@Lilacspecs, Spiders I can handle. I don’t like them much, but they aren’t waterbugs.
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Rachael
I freaking hate bugs. When I was at my Stepmoms this summer there were these freaky dinosaur looking stinkbugs everywhere. I was totally paranoid.
Rachaels last blog post..The Way It Was, The Way It Is, The Way It Will Be
Twitter: rachael1013
Maria
@Rachael, Stinkbugs are so cute! I’m very careful not to squash them, of course.
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Lisa
Cockroaches! That’s the Floridian name for them but they are bastards as far as I’m concerned. Down here we have Palmetto bugs. The worst about these…they fly! They do come after you with vengeance. The seek you out and find you.
*shivers* Ewww
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Maria
@Lisa, Waterbugs fly too. One flew onto my face once when I was a kid, in the middle of the night and tried to get in my mouth. I think that’s when my aversion began.
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Ashlie- Mommycosm
Ick! You totally gave me the heebie jeebies.
is that something crawling on my arm?!
*shudder*
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Maria
@Ashlie- Mommycosm, Haha – I feel that way all the time. It’s maddening.
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Avitable
Who would have thought that, of all things, would be your weakness?
Avitables last blog post..Hate me
Maria
@Avitable, I know right. Ridiculous.
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Beck
Bugs don’t bother me – although they don’t come too horrifying around here, so why should they? – but mice make me scream like a freak.
Becks last blog post..We Three Kings
Maria
@Beck, see, I love mice. I think they’re adorable.
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Lindsay
Hey, listen, i totally feel you here. We have a *aheem* “waterbug/palmetto bug” here too (South Carolina). These are the nastiest little bitches ever-period. I’d rather have a rat.. The ones here don’t give a SHIT if it’s day or night, and I think they run right towards you just to mess with you. They’re totally disgusting and SO BIG THAT EVERY LITTLE GROSS-DISGUSTING-PREHISTORIC piece of their bodies are amplified, just so you can see every single little detail. In Charleston, at night time, if you walk down the street, you can see them literally scurry under your feet across the sidewalks, hundreds of them.. It’s SO gross. UGH UGH UGH UGH UGh, and I feel your pain.
Lindsays last blog post..Lindsay761: @liamvickery yep! planning a vacation there for next month! I’m like a 5 yr old, so excited! :0p
Maria
@Lindsay, You know what this means right? We have to get the fuck out of the Carolinas.
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Chaos
Ohh, I hate those damn things. They just appear and they are so sneaky. Damn bugs
Maria
@Chaos, Damn right, damn bugs.
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Ashley @ mrs007.com
they ARE everywhere! we haven’t seen one inside in about a year, but last year when I was pregnant I was laying in bed watching tv and I saw something big fly from the wall to the top of my closet door. I turned on the light to check it out and then I saw it! I screamed and my husband thought I was in labor.
Nope not a contraction… just a bug that looks like the BIGGEST roach you have ever seen! Grrrr why do they even exist?
Ashley @ mrs007.coms last blog post..Wii hazards
Maria
@Ashley @ mrs007.com,
Ha! I usually just dance around up on furniture and squeal like on STAC, the feminine guy Charlotte was dating when he saw a rat.
Marias last blog post..In the eyes of a ranger…the unsuspecting stranger…
MindyMom
Yes, bugs are the worst! Especially spiders. Cant stand them. They are everywhere and even made a friggin web on the angel on top of my Christmas tree! I’ve passed down my arachnophobia onto all four of my daughters too so on any given day my house can sound like a horror movie from the screams when a spider is spotted.
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Maria
@MindyMom,
Damn spider. Fucking with your Christmas tree. That’s crossing the line dude. We need to come up with away to show these bastards. Immediately.
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CableGirl
Down here we have cockroaches that fly. How’s that for horrifying! They get to me too.
Maria
@CableGirl, These do fly!! And they make an awful buzzing noise when they do it.
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Honeybell
So you aren’t a fan of the movie Joe’s Apartment?
Maria
@Honeybell,
I actually like that movie!
Marias last blog post..In the eyes of a ranger…the unsuspecting stranger…
Chicago breast cancer
Living in Chicago, cockroaches are all too common. It’s the spiders that get me, I cringe at the sight of them and feel light-headed. I also get a bit frightened by rats, some of which are the size of cats or small dogs. Regards!
Maria
@Chicago breast cancer,
See. Now I know I’m not going in any dark alleys at night during BlogHer!
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Sarah
For me…It’s june bugs…I HATE JuneBugs…ever since I was bit by one!!
Sarahs last blog post..Hell is spelled P-O-T-T-Y
Twitter: sadiecass
Maria
@Sarah,
I must go google Junebugs now.
(I am adoring this threaded reply comment feature. My theme doesn’t allow for them, but I’ll have them in my redo!)
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prefers her fantasy life
OK, then. What was I saying about how you talk straight and tell it like it is and all that?
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Ms. Bar B
Damn, that so sucks! I hate bugs of all kinds, except lady bugs… I like those, oh, and maybe rolly pollies.
While we are on the subject of creepy crawlers the two that I fear the most have to be rats/mice/anything that looks like one which includes hamsters/anything furry that can run faster than the speed of light AND snakes. Completely terrified. You wanna see a grown woman piss on herself? Conjure up a mouse!
Ms. Bar Bs last blog post..Snuggly Soft
Jenn
Oh my God I have the best (worst?) story about scary bugs coming to get you ever.
Way back in the oldy-days of 1991, I went on a big cross-country trip with my extended family including my parents and brothers, my grandma, and an aunt and uncle and their 2 kids.
One place we spent a lot of time was Yellowstone. Yellowstone had recently had a lot of forest fires. We later realized the 2 were connected, but at first had no idea. There were these large, horrible, beetle-like bugs EVERYWHERE. Tons of them. They were about 10x as common as a fly is in a normal place in the summer. They were usually between 1 and 2 inches long, black, with very long antenna that almost looked like antlers. We didn’t know what the fuck they were so we dubbed them “antlerbugs”. They fucking were OUT TO GET US. They did things like landed all over my grandma’s back and wouldn’t get off, sending her running in a panic into oncoming traffic (luckily no one was hurt). They flew lazily and creepily directly at your face. They were SCARY AS FUCK.
We later looked into it and decided they were, or were closely related to the Banded Alder-Borer:
http://www.whatsthatbug.com/2006/06/29/banded-alder-borer-8/
Which live in DEAD CONIFERS. Like the dead trees all over Yellowstone from the forest fires.
OK, that was traumatic and surely scarred us all for life. We still speak of it with horror. However, now they are sending their cousins after me and my brother in Massachusetts. Observe:
http://www.massnrc.org/pests/linkeddocuments/pestalerts/ALB_Aug2008.htm
Horrifying photo:
http://external.ak.fbcdn.net/safe_image.php?d=79301605159f4b57701471ea3c610c14&url=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.telegram.com%2Fapps%2Fpbcsi.dll%2Fbilde%3FSite%3DWT%26Date%3D20080815%26Category%3DNEWS%26ArtNo%3D808150659%26Ref%3DV8%26Profile%3D1116%26title%3D1%26MaxW%3D700%26MaxH%3D600
tracey
Ew. EWWWWWW. You’re making me itch. I had earwigs at our last house and I remember twitching and feeling like they were in my hair….
Seriously, I’m itching now…
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tracey
And look at you, replying to every comment!! You’re so cute.
traceys last blog post..Bitch-fight at the Happiest Place on Earth…
Lori Downs
Okay now I feel like something is crawling on me…….lol
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Jessica
I feel the SAME way!!!! I even have nightmares. They are HUGE here in Guam too!
Andy Bailey
haha! amazing! so glad I have this sites feed in my blackberry, I larfed out loud when I read that.
I’ve seen them you know, the pygmy postmen I mean. they work with the gremlins that move things like keys and glasses and then put them back when you leave the room to look for them.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Andy Bailey,
Awww, you carry me with you wherever you go? Talk about luv!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
April
Cockroaches are reason enough for me to believe that there’s no God. You think I’m kidding?
Aprils last blog post..Another balancing dilemma
SECRET AGENT MAMA
They only want you because you are so freakin’ hot!
bejewell
Oh god was I supposed to reply to every comment? SHIT! Nobody told me the rules!
Now everyone’s gonna know what a lazy douche I am.
Thanks a LOT Maria.
bejewells last blog post..Not Enough Channels
shannon
Ugggh! Hate waterbugs. Had one crawl on me when I got up to go to the restroom in the middle of the night when I was a kid. To this day I can’t go to the restroom in the middle of the night with out turning on the light and checking for creepy crawlies. Oh and did you know they can FLY!!???!!
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Momo Fali
I KNOW you’re batshit crazy, so don’t go trying to sell me waterbug posts!
(But really, I would DIE if one of those things came around. My Grandma used to have them and I would sleep on a dresser at her house …like they can’t crawl up wood, or something).
Twitter: momofali
melissa
you know what is funny…
i’m afraid to touch the walls at night…that i’ll put my hand on a bug.
and, i don’t like to sit on the toilet if the light is out…just in case a creepy, crawly in on the seat.
so…totally…get it!!