Thoughts From The Abyss
Late at night on Sunday, December 7th, I wrote this article, for Deep South Moms Blog, about what it feels like to face the holiday season with the first instance of the due date of my miscarried baby looming. When I miscarried back in April, I knew Christmas Eve would never be the same. That is when that first lost baby was due.
As I wrote the piece, I was reflecting on how far I’ve come since those first few days after losing the baby back in April. The utter hopelessness. The anger. The confusion and pain. I realized that the pain is so deep, it’s as if it will never go away completely… but over time, it somehow becomes easier to live with, and serves to remind me to be more thankful of the loved ones I still have in my life.
It has been almost 8 months since that first miscarriage, and I was just feeling like I had come out on the other side of the deepest of the immediate grief. And I knew that it was in part due to the passage of time, and the love and kindness of family and friends. In part it has been due to my being lucky enough to be able to write about my feelings and emotions here, and receive support from all of you. (Have I said thank you? Really. Thank you so much.)
I was feeling something I haven’t felt for awhile.
Hope.
But what’s really bitter now is that a large part of my renewed hope came from the fact that I had a new life within me. A life that was crossing into the second trimester of a pregnancy that I had not even expected, but that I was starting to believe was meant to help me heal.
I spent weeks upon weeks feeling tense. I spent almost 3 months checking my underwear multiple times a day, and staring at the toilet paper every single time I wiped.
Slowly, so so slowly, the tension had just started to recede.
I had seen and heard his tiny heart beating, quickly, with vigor. He was healthy, and moving. He was ALIVE. He was going to make it, damnit. He really was.
Surely, so so surely, the tension has just started to recede.
I found myself leaving the restroom and realizing, after the fact, that I hadn’t looked at my underwear. I hadn’t checked my toilet paper.
I believed. I wasn’t just saying I believed. I really did.
It felt so good.
And then on Tuesday morning, December 9th, everything fell apart around me (us).
It was as if I’d been walking carefully on a thin sheet of glass suspended over a black abyss for months, but somehow, I’d just started to believe it was cement, and I started tap-dancing. The bottom fell out – the floor exploded, and all I had to grab for as I fell were shards of glass that cut my hands as I dropped into the abyss.
No heartbeat on the fetal doppler for us to hear.
No little, pulsing muscle in his tiny chest for me to see on mini-ultrasound.
My lovely doctor trying so hard over and over to find it. My lovely doctor getting visibly frustrated, upset, but still trying and trying. My lovely doctor giving up and telling me she was so so sorry.
Ohhh, my inability to believe this was happening… and ohhhh, my immense guilt over believing for so long that it would end this way, anyway.
And Oh, my Anger that it actually did.
My hope? Gone.
No heartbeat on a full blown ultrasound.
I stared at the screen, at his tiny body inside of me.
People, he looked beautiful and perfect on that high-tech ultrasound screen. I saw his little body facing me, as if he was looking at me to say goodbye. His tiny little arms and legs were there, framing the perfect little body in the middle.
Framing the perfect, little, middle part, where everything was silent and still.
Not really so perfect at all.
Every night since then, I’ve stayed up late, so late, doing ridiculous things like working on my website redesign. Things that I can blur my mind with. I’ve stayed up until my eyes just couldn’t see straight anymore, until I just couldn’t hold them open anymore, so that when I did lay down in bed, I’d fall right asleep.
I’m not ready for the thoughts that will come in the quiet darkness.
Every morning when I’ve awoken, I’ve had that horrible moment when I realize that, Yes, this reality is my reality. There is still a dead baby in my womb.
And when they take him from me on this Tuesday morning, I don’t know what I’ll have left to do but start to move on.
And that is the saddest thing of all.
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Jennifer
Still here.
Jennifers last blog post..Super Sunday
Redneck Mommy
My heart still beats with hurt for you. It also explodes with love.
I wish I could make this better for you friend.
Redneck Mommys last blog post..The Journey…Part Four
Twitter: talesfromtyahoo.ca
Neil
I’m just catching up now, Lotus. I’m so sorry.
Donna (A Grown-up)
You and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers… ((((hugs))))
Donna (A Grown-up)s last blog post..Weekly Winners December 7 – 13
Kelley
You don’t want to hear my story. But girl, I have been there. Right there. Like watching my past in your words.
I am still here if you ever need me. And I will be thinking of you on Tuesday morning.
<3
Kelleys last blog post..Santa can bite my smooth white arse.
Zoeyjane
Here I am, punching you in the shoulder again…it does get easier. It seems like maybe it shouldn’t, but mornings and nights and days in between will get easier.
Something is on it’s way to you by thursday, so don’t not answer the door to the postman, okay?
Zoeyjanes last blog post..What Have You Done For You, Lately? (a post of epic strikethru proportions)
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)
I’ve walked where you’re walking now, clung to things I, too, was forced to let go of. I wish this was different for you. More than anything, I wish that.
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..baby got back (and it hurts like a bitch. plus it’s my actual back, not my ass. sorry for any confusion)
Elaine
This post is so wonderfully beautiful. But I know you wish that you would never have had to write it. Continued prayers Lotus…
anja
The deafening silence of no heartbeat is something I will never get out of my mind. My ‘bean’ was there. Her tiny little form was intact, but the silence screamed into my head.
I have no words of comfort for you, as nothing will at this time. Nothing is going to take away what you’re feeling right now. Be oh so thankful that you have little Braden to hold. I envy you. *hugs*
anjas last blog post..Christmas for some, Yule for us.
Ashley @ mrs007.com
I am so sorry that you are living in a nightmare that you can’t wake up from…no one can fix it and no one can push rewind. I just hope and also pray that you will find peace somewhere in the middle of it all. I know you look at Braden and you find moments of hope. Thank you for letting us all in and keeping us in the loop.
I have been worrying for you. I know I am just a random bloggy friend from 30 miles away, but I really will bring you a casserole if you find yourself at a place where you need one. I make a mean poppyseed chicken
Ashley @ mrs007.coms last blog post..Period’s aren’t just punctuation
Missy
You are in my thoughts and I’m praying you may find some comfort.
My heart is aching for you…
Missys last blog post..Winterized
Twitter: molassa
Taz
so so sorry..
thinking of you..
big hugs..
am here if you need a shoulder or ear or both..
Tazs last blog post..the change
Rachael
My heart just absolutely aches for you, Lotus. I can’t imagine being in that place where you are, yet through your writing a part of me can understand, and cries for it. I will be praying for you still, and especially thinking about you on Tuesday.
Rachaels last blog post..Scrappy Ladies Unite!
Twitter: rachael1013
connie
I’m still heart broken for you & your family~this is just SO unfair! I will continue to keep you in thought & prayers~especially on Tues. Try to take care of yourself Lotus. (((big hugs)))
connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=December 7th-13th 2008
Suzanne
Lotus, I’m so sorry. You deserve happiness and hope.
I’ll be thinking of you Tuesday and praying for strength for you to get through these tough days.
Suzannes last blog post..A Tutorial For the Wrapping Challenged
Adrienne
Wish I could come and hug you or be there to hold your hand. But as you can see from the multitude of comments you have many people holding your heart.
Walking With Scissors
I’ve been thinking of you constantly. I’m so sorry that this tragedy had to occur. Again. I wish that there were something I could do to make it better. Just know that there are many people out there who love you and want only the best for you. I hope that the doctors are able to figure out why this happened.
Walking With Scissorss last blog post..Epiphany? Or Big, Fat Boot Filled With DUH to the Head?
Corey ~living and loving
If I could reach through the screen, and hold you, I would.
I am so deeply sorry for your pain.
Corey ~living and lovings last blog post..Finding Deeper Meaning
Krista
I’m so so sorry. I wish I could be there for you instead of on the other side of the country.
Kristas last blog post..A Train Ride
the planet of janet
still here too.
hugs and love.
the planet of janets last blog post..Haiku Friday: the love me always edition
Twitter: planetofjanet
Jill
My heart breaks for you. Miscarriage is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
Be strong on Tuesday. I’ll be thinking of you.
Jills last blog post..Shhhhh… Don’t Tell Anyone
Maggie
I am so, so sorry. All I can do is wish you huge strength to cope with it. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
Mrs. Schmitty
I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Just know that you are in my thoughts and my heart is breaking for you.
Mrs. Schmittys last blog post..Please Someone, Make Them STOP!
pam
The juxtaposition of your sad broken face and your boys hopeful happy face is breathtaking. Hugs.
imaginary binky
If I could do this for you right now, I would. If I could take away all of the hurt, I’d do it. I’m so, so, so sorry, from the pit of my being, that life has treated you and John this way.
Truly, if I had my way, I’d take Tuesday on myself and never ever let you feel this pain again.
I love you.
imaginary binkys last blog post..Maybe I can tape it back on
Michelle
Thinking of you and praying for you all, especially Tuesday (though that’s Wednesday for me).
Moment by Moment, that’s all you need to do.
Leanne
Nobody should ever have to go through this once, never mind twice.
I cried reading this and my heart hurts. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday.
You are a very strong woman.
Leannes last blog post..And so it begins
kateanon
I’ve been there, only without having to keep on a face for other children. My thoughts are with you, both now and Tuesday and as you move forward. I’m so very sorry.
kompostela
Hugs and love. I’m so sorry Lotus.
But I know it’s not me who can comfort you…
I can only think of you and pray.
kompostelas last blog post..Weekly Winners, December 7-13
SJSFalter
Thinking of you and sending positive energy.
SJSFalters last blog post..Another Little Family
Ness
There are very few things which make me cry. I’m a tough bloody nut to crack.
I just cracked. For you. For your pain.
I’m crying for you.
Across the vast expanse of this little spinning blue globe in the complete nothingness, you’ve moved me with your words.
You have a great gift. I’m so glad that you choose to share it with us.
Twitter: droversrunness
Kritta22
You have a great way with words. I can’t comfort you from this place behind this screen but know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and your broken hearts.
Kritta22s last blog post..Sharing my favorite recipes today
Vic
I know it doesn’t help, nothing we can say or do will for a time, but I’m sending hugs.
Vics last blog post..Friday night is the time for…
Ali
I’m so sorry. It’s just the hardest, hardest thing. Thoughts are with you.
Lilacspecs
I can’t say that I understand how you feel, but I do know that your heart must feel beyond broken. I hope that John is able to be there for you and I hope you are looking at Braden every day and seeing that he is still a blessing.
I hope you are able to heal as quickly as possible and that eventually any fear of trying again is eclipsed by the desire to try again (that makes sense to you, I hope).
Good luck on Tuesday hun and don’t be afraid to reach out to people for support.
Lilacspecss last blog post..Skeletons
Jientje
I wish there was something I could say to make this pain go away.
I wish I could make this pain go away.
I wish I could undo what has happened to you.
I wish I could take you in my arms and let you cry on my shoulder.
I wish I could hug you.
I wish.
I wish….
Hugs xxx
Jientjes last blog post..Macro Monday Needles and Pins
Kelly
Lotus, I have been thinking of you since I read your post last week. I thought of you first thing this morning. And I will be thinking of you tomorrw.
wright
I know my words are only owrds, but I hope they help a little. I am so sorry for your loss and I’ll always be here if you need to talk.
wrights last blog post..Snow. Yeah, I Said Snow!
anne
Still completely heartbroken for you. Still thinking of and praying for you daily, often. Still here for you when and if you need me.
<<>>
annes last blog post..the viral meme
Carol Anne
Lotus, you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Carol Annes last blog post..Full Moon Friday Night
lceel
I am only a man – all of these women that have commented here speak to your pain with more authority than I can – I am only a man. But, man or not, I am heartbroken for the pain I know you feel, because you are my friend. I love you, Lotus. I would wrap you in my arms if I could.
lceels last blog post..16 days and counting
Twitter: lceel
Maggie's Mind
I’m so sorry Lotus. I can’t even imagine the part where you allow yourself to hope again only to have it crushed. I get where I am where there simply is likely no hope of any baby, ever, but yours is different, harder to go through it again and already that far along. I wish I could do or so something, but I know there is nothing really to change it. Please just know that I’m thinking of you, sending hugs and wishing you peace. You *will* come through the other side, and you will be stronger for it, which isn’t much consolation now.
Please, please be gentle with you for awhile, OK?
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 12/14/08
Gabriel
Oh, Lotus…
How brave somebody has to be to write something like this. I will be thinking of you all these days, but especially tomorrow.
Gabriels last blog post..First class (A Christmas Story)
AnnD
I can’t imagine. I just can’t imagine. Your words take me a bit closer to being able to imagine what you are going through, but I still can’t imagine…..I’ve never even met you but I feel like I know you through your blog and when I read your post about losing this baby….so late into the pregnancy after having lost your 2nd….my jaw-dropped and I walked away in disbelief. I thought: “Does that ACTUALLY happen?! Really?! How fucking cruel that she has lost two when Joe Blow Childabuser can make 6 with no problems.” Between your loss and my almost-two-year-old being in the hospital for over 2 days this week, I’m having a really, really hard time maintaining my hope that things will ultimately be okay in the end. Write what you need to write to heal. Don’t beat yourself up (like you did last time) about only writing about your loss. What matters is your healing….take care of you.
AnnDs last blog post..Weekly Winners!
Beck
Oh, Lotus. I’m so, so sorry.
Becks last blog post..Mmm! Coffee with syrup!
Marylin
So so sorry sweety. Lots of love xxx
Marylins last blog post..Photohunt: Favourite
Stephanie
Having to face a D&C or D&E has got to be the worst thing in the entire world; definitely worse than a natural miscarriage. I know it doesn’t help much, but please know that there are lots of women who have faced what you’re facing and we are all thinking about you and wishing we could make it better, because no one in the world should have to go through that. In a weird, hippie-spiritual kind of way, we are all trying to lend you our strength until you get yours back.
Stephanies last blog post..Saul
Michelle
I wish I had words to ease this pain. I don’t. And the in between of being pregnant but not is the worse most awful feeling. I’m just so very sorry.
Michelles last blog post..Soon?
catnip
I can’t even imagine the pain you are in. I so very sorry.
catnips last blog post..37 degrees
Maria
Oh how I wish I could make the hurt stop for you Lotus.
Marias last blog post..For Your Information:
patois
I’m so sorry for all of you. I wish I could give you more than that.
patoiss last blog post..An Obligatory Holiday Post
Hydes Like Us
I’m still here too. Your message last night meant so much to me. This is a hard time. We know that. We know that it will pass. We feel it for as long as we feel it, and then we float on.
Hydes Like Uss last blog post..Write
janelle
I’m. So. Sorry.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, especially Tuesday.
janelles last blog post..My 200th Post!!! (and weekly winners too….)
Helena
I’m so sorry Lotus. I’m sending a piece of my heart to you to help you heal.
Carina
Your story brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can find strength in thoose beautiful kids of yours I’ve seen so many winner shots of. I am sure your babygirl is has found peace, and hope you will to.
Secret Agent Mama
Knowing this is happening to you is the hardest part for me, because it’s so hard and heart-breaking.
I am here, you know that. Any time you need a friend, just call me.
Secret Agent Mamas last blog post..Sometimes Blissful, Sometimes Not
NotAMeanGirl
I truly DO know how you feel hon. I wish I could make it all better for you but I know there’s nothing…
My thoughts and prayers are with you. As is my heart.
NotAMeanGirls last blog post..TT #??? : Holiday Hooplah
Devona
Prayers & thoughts be with you & your sweet family. Hugs.
Allie
Tomorrow is a big step and we are all taking it with you. Second by second, Lotus, and all of us are here.
If you go to that dark place and you are feeling empty, sad, numb, furious – just remember you have a support network that is ready to go to work. Use it Lotus.
I am non-stop thinking about you and the boys. For now I will wish you peace, yet there is still so much I want to say to you.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritas
Hey honey – you know I’m close and I’ll do whatever you need this week. You just have to call me – you have the number.
I’m so so sorry – beyond words sorry.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..The Future Looks Like This?
Twitter: amy2boys
*pixie*
Lotus,
I still have no idea what to say except I’m so sorry that she was taken away from you. So, so sorry. We are all here for you, just reach through the screen and find us.
*pixie*s last blog post..Sunday whoring
Janelle
We are all there with you even if you can’t see us ((hugs)). You will get through this and more awesomely happy times are still left to be had. BUT, you be sad. You cry and and morn the loss of your baby. You need to do that, cry and be sad. It’s totally 100% allowed and expected. After some time has passed, you will be happy again. You will find the joy again. But for now, just be. (((hugs)))
Janelles last blog post..Forget Your Remote Control, 1-800 Dial MTV
Jeanette
I can’t believe they made you wait so long before doing the D&C! (((HUGS))) for tomorrow.
Twitter: jenty
Karen MEG
Lotus, I know there are no words that I can say to take all this sadness away, although I really, really wish I could come up with some.
Don’t stop writing about it if it helps in any way at all.
I am beyond sorry for your loss. I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow.
(((Hugs)))
Karen MEGs last blog post..Weekly Winners #49 – Oh, the gall
melanie
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I have spent the last two hours crying a million tears for you. I know nothing I say will ease the hurt, but just know I am praying for you.
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
I’m so so sorry for you, Lotus. I’ve lost two babies to miscarriage, but neither were as far along as yours. I can’t begin to imagine how you must feel.
I’m willing you all of my strength for tomorrow.
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Weekly Winners – December 7 – 13, 2008
Twitter: mommy_wins
Special K
It takes time, a lot a time. Keep yourself busy, that is key! And keep writing and getting it out, we are here and you know we care and understand.
Special Ks last blog post..Be back soon
Barb @ getupandplay
Feeling for you, thinking of you, and sending my love to you.
Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Stuff that I want (but you could get it, too!)
mommyknows
My heart is so heavy for you. I had four miscarriages in between babies 1 and 2 (then had 3 and 4). They are heart breaking. Hopes and dreams dashed. Only time heals …
After the 4th miscarriage I took medication to help with what is now kid 2. If you want the details please email me. I took the same medication for #3 and #4 too. All with great success.
mommyknowss last blog post..My Period (man friendly post)
Texan Mama
Lotus, what do you need from us? We will give it, whatever it is.
I know what you mean about staying up late. I think it was, for me, also the hope that I would fall fast asleep and not allow my thoughts to creep into my brain in the vacant still night. Also, I think I wanted to put off going to sleep – that time that is so alone, so quiet, so dark.
It feels very condescending for me to tell you that it will get better. Who am I to tell YOU? You were so there for me. I wish I had some magic words, but really there aren’t any.
The only thing I did that helped was that I OD’ed on funny movies. I tried to do anything to just take my mind off of it all. I wanted to deal with the pain and the reality, but not just then. I wanted to avoid it for a while. When I was ready to cry, I did. I know you will too. Although I can’t be close, please find someone you can hug.
Texan Mamas last blog post..Quick Poll: Beauty or Time?
Twitter: texmama
Kim
My words won’t make you feel better, but please know I am thinking of you and sending you lots of love and hugs..
Kims last blog post..Weekly Winners
chasingjoy
I am so so sorry. Reading your blog and thinking your feelings as you write them is just breaking my heart. I’m just so sorry.
chasingjoys last blog post..Some Photoshop Fun with Jensen
Suzanne
My heart is heavy for you; I’ve been where you are (unfortunately more than once) and it is the saddest place for so long… One day you will feel a little lighter, but for now, take care of yourself…
Suzannes last blog post..Easy Tip of the Week – No More Ironing
Rachel
Oh my darling one.
I am just crying.
We’re here. Always.
Rachels last blog post..Dear Santa, I Believe
Karin
Oh Lotus.
What a horrible and heart-breaking experience.
I am thinking of you still and sending you all my love.
For now, just keep on breathing.
Karins last blog post..Weekly Winners: 7 – 13 December
Lori
Hugs
Loris last blog post..A Giveaway! Chocolate!
perpstu
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry that your heart is breaking for the second time this year. I can’t imagine the pain that must cause. (((HUGS))) again for good measure.
Twitter: perpstu
Veronica
Oh honey. There is so much I want to say but honestly, I can’t find the words.
Loving you from the other side of the world.
Veronicas last blog post..And we’re off to see the Wizard!
wheresmyangelsm
I’m so sorry for your loss.
wheresmyangelsms last blog post..How does one live to be 100?
Domestic Extraordinaire
Lotus I am so sorry. Words can not ease the pain that lingers deep inside of you. I, sadly, know this pain as well. Many hugs to you my friend. (((Hugs))))
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..I’m here
Loralee
My heart is exploding for you, Lotus. I am so very sorry. So very, very sorry.
Loralees last blog post..My favorite annual holiday post. (It’s funny, it has photos, it’s SHORT. Who could ask for more?)
Jessica
I’m so sorry! Many, many hugs and prayers!
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts)
Wish I could say anything to make this a little better. All I can say is I’m so sorry.
Vicky (Secret Mom Thoughts)s last blog post..If it is not fun then don’t do it.
stephanie
Lotus, I’ll keep praying for you – especially tomorrow.
I wish there were some kind of grief aspirin I could give you to make the pain go away. I wish there were a shortcut, so you could take a quick route to healing this time. It just seems too hard sometimes, doesn’t it? Love heals…but oh so slowly.
In the meantime, there will be (and are!) small moments of sun coming through the clouds. (Do I remember a post from last time about going to the park with Braden?) Anyway. Doesn’t make it all better, but you have your beautiful son, your loving husband, your awesome readers (especially me) and a hundred little chihuahuas with Santa hats in your comments. How can that not make you smile just a little?
There I go writing a novel in your comments again. Sorry, sweetie. I’ll shut up now.
stephanies last blog post..Joy comes in the morning
Claire in CA, USA
Praying for you. (((((((((Lotus)))))))))
Claire in CA, USAs last blog post..Snow in Southern California
Barbara
Sending hugs and prayers, and wishing there was something, anything I could do to help.
Barbara
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
I’m so so sorry. Just know I am here. WE are all here.
Braden loves you – his Mama. Hug him 1000 times harder.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Careful What You Wish For
The Glamorous Life
I won’t give you loads of quotes and lines about ‘god giving you only what you can handle’…or ‘someday this will seem like a blessing’…….I refuse to do that.
I say BE ANGRY. BE SAD. BE ALL OF THAT. You do not need to move on yet. WALLOW in this. GRIEVE. Cry your eyes dry. And then cry some more.
I send you good vibes and empathy my bloggy friend.
This totally and completely SUCKS.
Cindy
I’ve been there. Thinking of you.
We’re listening to your heartbeat, Lotus.
Cindys last blog post..Laundr-o-mat
Tranny Head
I’ve been thinking a lot about you. I know that’s sort of a lame comment, but please know that my thoughts are with you in such a devastating time.
Tranny Heads last blog post..Six Loooooong Days
Just a mom
(((HUGS)))
frogpondsrock
Oh sweetheart… (((hugs))))
frogpondsrocks last blog post..Weekly Winners.
Lee the MWOB Queen
Hi there. I’m so new to your blog but have read the last couple of days and my heart breaks for you. What a beautiful post you’ve written in the middle of your agony. You will be in my thoughts.
Lee
Lee the MWOB Queens last blog post..MWOB is kicking off the week on a MISSION!
Hecticmom Undone
*HUG* Just *hug*
Hecticmom Undones last blog post..Meme Because I’m Lazy
river
It’s Tuesday evening here now, and I’m thinking of you.
Tracy
I’m so sorry.
Be kind to yourself.
Tracys last blog post..Clap on, clap off
karen
I’m so terribly sorry. I have no words. You sound so strong & brave. I hope you are receiving all the support you need. Thinking of you….
karens last blog post..just a dreamer
connie
Thinking of you today (Tuesday) Lotus. (((big hugs)))
connies last blog post..Weekly Winners=December 7th-13th 2008
ali
sending you nothing but love today, my friend
alis last blog post..hair wars
Spoiled Mommy
My heart cries, my heart aches for you.
I am so so sorry.
No words.
Nothing.
You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers.
Spoiled Mommys last blog post..Dairy Queen Christmas Scene
Jenny from Mommin' It Up!
Seriously, Seriously praying hard for you today Lotus. I wish I could do more.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..Monday Holidaze Giveaway Week Three!
Twitter: jennyitup
witchypoo
Sending love, darlin.
witchypoos last blog post..Supper At My Place
Elizabeth
It’s Tuesday morning, and I held out my arms and squeezed my eyes shut and imagined myself hugging you, trying to push how much I care for you right into you. I hope that the collective force of all of us thinking and praying or whatever else we all believe in, I hope it arrives in a big wave and washes over you. And I hope it helps, even a little. Love you, Lotus.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
I miscarried on July 4th. The fireworks make me cry every year. But with every year that passes it gets a little bit easier.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarahs last blog post..One Disadvantage of Working From Home
uppervalleymom at Kids Meal Crowd
Lotus, I am so so sorry for your loss. You and your family (including your angels) are in my thoughts and prayers — today and always. Sending lots of love your way.
uppervalleymom at Kids Meal Crowds last blog post..Current Kids Meal Toys – 12/12/08
Tara R.
I’m so sorry honey.
Tara R.s last blog post..What? Christmas? Already?
Keely
I am so sorry to read this news. Hugs from California.
Twitter: Keely
Missives From Suburbia
I am shattered for you as I read, Lotus. Utterly shattered and bereft of words. I wish I could make it better for you.
Missives From Suburbias last blog post..Maternity Leave
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Much love to you today, Lotus.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I don’t think vampires are sexy, but stinky feet turn me on
Trenches of Mommyhood
Hugs, honey. I cried when I read this. You’re in my thoughts today.
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Mommy Massage?
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children
Oh god, NO. I’m so sorry, Lotus. I’m so sorry.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..I think we’re getting to the point where the readers of this blog are going to say, “She must be making up stories just for blog material.”
MaryAnn
My heart is breaking for you. Holding you in my heart, wishing I could hold you in my arms, and praying for you –
xoxo
Ashley
I haven’t been here in a while, so I’m just catching up…
I’m really so very sorry. Hugs, prayers, good thoughts…all sending your way…
Maggie's Mind
Sending you an extra hug today. The whole thing is sad enough without today on top of it. Be gentle with you, Lotus.
Maggie’s Minds last blog post..Weekly Winners Sunday 12/14/08
Babybloomr
I am very, very sorry.
Like so many of your readers, I have been there too. And I have a happy ending, who is now 12.
But none of that really matters right now, and honestly? It shouldn’t. This is your grief, your mourning, your loss. I am just one of the many that have been to that abyss, and even now it only takes a beautifully written post like yours to slam us right back to that place and those feelings.
I am so very, very sorry.
harmzie
I am so sorry. I can’t claim (as no one can) to know how you feel in *any* capacity, but if writing is theraputic for you then I promise I will be reading.
Eve
My heart hurts at reading your words. I’m crying so hard I can barely write this, and I can’t read what I have written. I’m so sorry you have to go through this again. I wish I could make it all better for you.
Eves last blog post..Ho! Ho! Ho!
Cat @ 3 Kids and Us
My heart aches for you, it really does. I’ve been where you are. I lost my first son at 26 weeks and went through much of what you describe not seeing the heart beat any longer. The feelings that follow the loss of a child during pregnancy are dark and hopeless….but one day you will find peace. I promise you this. It has taken me a very long time to find hope in pregnancy but as each day passes, then months and years, the pain lessens.
Cat @ 3 Kids and Uss last blog post..Comment Luv
Tanya
Oh Sweetheart…
Thats all I could say when I read your post.
It will heal, but it will take time. Time is a funny thing, when the world seems perfect we want time to go slowly and when things fall apart we want time to go so quickly to take us into a new phase of life so we do not have to deal with that one anymore.
Sometimes I tell myself that this time next week I will feel better, this time next month I will be healing and this time next year I reckon I will be ok.
I know it will seem like forever but you will heal, please hang in there. My Sister in Law miscarried and is a big believer of ‘it wasnt meant to be’. It wasnt meant to be, and there would be reasons for that.
Hold your men close (including your dog).
Tanyas last blog post..the job thingo
Some things are easier to fix than others. |
[...] On Tuesday morning, I had to take it out for the surgery (D&C). [...]
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why!
I am so sorry for all of you. Your pain makes my heart hurt too.
Love and Prayers
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why!s last blog post..Politically correct cat definitions
Rebecca
Lotus, I’m so sorry. I know I keep saying that, but that’s all I KNOW to say.
I hope the D&C went as well as can be expected.
Much love…
Rebeccas last blog post..T-8 days and counting…
Twitter: ramblingreba
Lesha
I am so very sorry.
Kristin
Oh Lotus your words are beautiful, I ma bawling here..
Seriously I almost feel guilty we were supposed to do this together! I love ya and just know I’m thinking about you.
Keeo your humor, that’s what I love you for. You’re the one who always keeps it real!
Kristins last blog post..Pregnant: 15 Weeks
Bet you didn’t know you had wings. |
[...] I see you, throwing your hands across your faces with me, the ribbons streaming from them beautifully as you each take a little piece of my pain so I do not feel alone here in “the abyss.” [...]
laughing4heir
I just found your blog this evening. I am so, SO sorry for you. That’s seriously devastating. And though I don’t know you, I’m throwing my arms around you.
laughing4heirs last blog post..A year later … still hoping
Tiaras & Tantrums
sweet sweet Lotus . . . I do know the pain and sorrow and heartache and anger and frustration and utter turmoil that you are experiencing right now. I also know that each woman that experiences this . . . this, I don’t have a word for what I ‘think’ this is . . . deals with it differently.
I can say that when I had my first miscarriage(11 weeks) I was beyond sad, heartbroken, but hopeful . . . I immediately got pregnant again and immediately miscarried(8 weeks) again, this time I was so upset and mad, this time I was mad, at what I didn’t know . . . repeat the next month, pregnant again, two months later, miscarried again. I was told that I had to wait for 6 months since I had miscarried 3x’s in a row. I was devastated, beyond depressed and really just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was consumed with grief. I waited my 6 months and was pregnant again within 2 months. I was CONSUMED with not losing that baby. I didn’t move for fear of losing that baby.
BUT, the baby survived and I survived . . . and my heart healed (as it does with time). Dear Lotus, I wish I could take away the pain you are feeling, but what I can offer is this . . . keep trying . . . there is hope!
Tiaras & Tantrumss last blog post..Weekly Winners
Liza's Eyeview
Oh Lotus…. I just read this…. I am so sorry…. I am so sorry – I know it hurts … it hurts deeply … more than we can understand
oh….. I don’t know what to say …..
Liza
Liza’s Eyeviews last blog post..I Need A Silent Night by Amy Grant
Twitter: amauiblog
Nix
Soo sorry to read about your loss.
Nixs last blog post..How do I get caught up like this?
Melissa
I’m so, so sorry.
I just suffered two miscarriages in a row over the past four months (one at 9 weeks in Sept 08 with a d&c the following week, one at 6 weeks during/after Christmas a couple weeks ago). The one thing that keeps me going is my son, who is almost 2 1/2. He is my source of hope, as I know your son will be for you.
Take care of yourself. You’re in my prayers.
Melissas last blog post..seven (extra) pounds
moodypeach » Blog Archive » most of the time / somtimes
[...] I found two posts by Sarcastic Mom that really explained how I felt better than I could, so I had him read them. [...]
Even if it’s a crooked rainbow with colors missing. It still counts, damnit. « i am lotus
[...] ripped my heart out, and then I got an injection of Unexpected Hope only to suffer another Cosmic Sucker Punch, I have experienced a bit of healing in a whole year’s [...]