Thirteen (embarassing) Things From My Past That I Shouldn’t Tell Anyone
So I’m Gonna Tell EVERYONE!
1. Yes, it’s true. As a kid, I crushed on NKOTB’s Joey McIntyre. *shoot me for admitting that*
But how can you resist those blue eyes, and that “is it a perm or not?” curly hair? (it WAS curly once)
[*update* upon googling him to find the hyperlink I was going to use, I felt weird looking at his pic. Now I know why I dated this guy for 7 years. Eh?]
2. I considered giving myself an enema before going to the hospital to have Braden. The idea of crapping during labor mortified me. Time issues = no enema before hospital (can you say “my contractions were never more than 3 minutes apart?”). While pushing, I poo’d nicely. I DIDN’T CARE.
3. I was kind of a skank-ho in high school. I probably would have done the entire football team… if they had actually been attractive. Ugh @ going to a skeez, redneck high school.
4. I once actually said, “It’s like I’m a cancer patient…” about all the vitamins I was taking, in front of my (very sweet, kind, and forgiving) Mother-in-Law. Her husband (John’s dad) actually passed away from colon cancer.
I wanted to crawl inside my own butthole and die 0.3 seconds after it came out of my mouth. Even thinking of it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
5. I HAVE sharted. It was just sometime last year. And it was OH SO NOT FUNNY, like it was in Along Came Polly.
Seriously? That has to be the BEST word I’ve learned from a movie.
[Thankfully, it happened in our home. But if it happens to you in public, use this information on "How To Hide A Shart."]
6. My mother (hippy to the max) did not want me to shave my armpits or use deodorant. The purchase of such things for me was pretty much refused.
Already being an awkward tween, and now suddenly having stinky, hairy armpits, I was feeling desperate. I didn’t know what to do!
Then, one day, a nice young boy in one of my classes remarked with disgust, “God, Lotus, you could really use some deodorant for that B.O.”
Thanks a lot, assbag. I would love to hit him right in the face. Right now.
So, what did I do?
I stole deodorant. WTH else was I to do?
God, that is so lame. I STOLE DEODORANT.
7. On the way home from a Halloween party when I was in grad school, I suddenly felt quite green. (Could it have been the copious amounts of alcohol consumed?)
I told the driver, pull over now! He wasn’t fast enough. I puked all down the front of my dress (into the floorboard of my own car). Still jumped out onto the shoulder of the very busy highway, because more was coming.
Tore off disgusting, puke-soaked dress… assumed barfing position on ground (on all fours) in my underwear.
Got home. Walked the entire way from the car to my apartment (not a short distance) in my bra and undies. With vampire teeth still in.
CLASSY.
8. On the night that I graduated from high school, I celebrated BIG TIME, by…
Going home and sitting there. Alone.
Pathetic.
9. I have never been able to stop running my mouth. I am kind of embarassed about it whenever I think of how annoying everyone must find me. My teachers would write, “Talks too much,” “Chatty Cathy,” or other such type comments on my take-home reports.
And look at how my “list of 13 things” just goes on and on and on until you think you’re reading 50 MILLION (thanks, Jenny) things.
10. When I was a kid (and really, now, still) I had horribly pokey-out Dumbo-type ears.
Kids literally called me “Dumbo.”
I was humiliated endlessly about my ears. For years of my childhood, I was obsessed with one day having them operated on, so that people would stop thinking I was such a freak.
I hate mean kids. They should be slapped. A lot.
11. I owned a Nelson CD. That needs no elaboration.
12. I was supposed to finish my MA in Psychology in 2 years. It took me 3. While I entertained myself by becoming addicted to internet chat.
Hey, at least I met John during that time, online.
He said, “browneye” in a chat room, and the rest is history.
13. John told me that when we were first dating, he had an interesting experience.
He was visiting me at my apartment in Winston-Salem, NC. We had been hanging out, laughing, having fun, etc. He had to pee. He got up… walked down the hallway, and went into the bathroom. Closing the door, he turned around, and lifted the toilet seat.
And witnessed a large, brown floater.
Sexy or what?
Now, THAT’S how you impress the guy you’re dating into marrying you one day.
So, what’s your embarassing story?
Wanna see more Thursday Thirteen?
#1 by Hydes Like Us on November 8, 2007 - 8:56 AM
OMG. I have such a crush on you. Your writing really pulls me in- I actually laughed out loud at my desk. Everyone looked at me- but then I read about how you sharted– and I didn’t even care. Okay. Enough gushing.
-HH
#2 by Anna Ellis on November 8, 2007 - 8:59 AM
Lotus, I seriously peed alittle while reading that!!! LOL… MORE… MORE… MORE!!!!
#3 by Hydes Like Us on November 8, 2007 - 9:00 AM
Oh! I forgot my embarrasing story. I have NEVER told anyone this- but in the interest of full disclosure (and after feeling somewhat heady from reading all of your embarrassing little tidbits) I’ll share.
In eighth grade I got my period. You know how sometimes you leak onto the sides of your underwear, and it stains? Well in order to combat this (I don’t think we had “wings” yet) I decided to wrap some toilet paper around the underwear before sticking on the pad. Well I did leak on to the sides-and it soaked the toilet paper to the point that it fell off my underwear. That wouldn’t have been such and issue if I hadn’t been wearing a skirt. A boy in my class say the bloody toilet paper fall from me- (oh, god I almost can’t go on)- and pointed it out to everyone. Humiliation thy name is Heidi.
-HH
#4 by janet on November 8, 2007 - 9:00 AM
omg, i just spit vanilla latte all over my keyboard. you are the best. absolutely the BEST.
#5 by Kelly on November 8, 2007 - 9:10 AM
I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve just tagged your for a meme… Oh, and how cute was that picture of you? I think the other kids were just jealous.
#6 by Secret Agent Mama on November 8, 2007 - 9:23 AM
heidi! i had a crush on her first. i have dibs. plus i say “browneye”. there, i say “browneye”, she’s my crush!! LOL
my embarassing story can be found by searching my soap opera sundays and reading the one about my honeymoon. you know you wanna.
#7 by Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) on November 8, 2007 - 9:39 AM
Heidi – Yay! I’m woo’ing all the hot mamas! Don’t ever be afraid to laugh loudly. No matter where you are. Even funerals.
Your story made me cringe. That means it was awesome.
Anna – You know, it’s probably b/c you just gave birth, not that I’m actually funny.
Janet – I know you love me when I ruin your keyboard and you still call me “the best.” SCORE!
Kelly – I hopped over and didn’t see it? Maybe because I haven’t had my coffee yet? I’ll check back later today.
Stalker Mishi – whoa there, girls! There’s plenty of me to go around – see #3 from the list. And, well, I wouldn’t expect any less from you… you ARE a stalker!
I’ll hop over to your site to read your embarassing story later today.
#8 by ~JJ! on November 8, 2007 - 9:45 AM
I have fallen madly and deeply in love with you and this list.
And Nelson rocks.
#9 by something blue on November 8, 2007 - 9:51 AM
You are a brave woman. To play along… umm a waitress found me incapacitated in the bathroom and she returned me to the guy that I had a crush on. I wasn’t surprised to find out that he started dating the waitress.
#10 by Bill on November 8, 2007 - 10:19 AM
That’s the second NKOTB reference today. I think it was momisodes that referenced Jordan. Man I wish I played football in High School. Although I recently invited Imaginary Sarah to chug vodka with me under the bleachers during practice.. Hah! Shart! I just had a shart conversation with my friend the Baby Gorilla on the way home from work last night. He said he sharted on his couch during a football game last weekend. He’s got a leather couch. A rich Corinthian shart leather couch. Hottest Vampire story ever. Ann Rice is a hack. Now I’ve seen just about everything but I’ve never seen Sarcastic Mom fly. Imagine if John had said balloon knot how life would have been different.
#11 by Victoria on November 8, 2007 - 10:26 AM
Okay, I need to start working “shart” into more conversations. =)
Previously WS, huh? I’m next door. Weird. Corning yesterday, NC today. It’s like I’m stalking you. Looks like I have a lot of competition. =)
#12 by jenny on November 8, 2007 - 10:34 AM
As someone who personally knew you in high school, I must come to the defense of your honor by telling you that you were not a skank ho. Maybe it just felt that way cause you were hanging around with virginous me. Although the effects of a redneck high school should not be underestimated (that town was so boring-remember that time we stole construction zone cones from the Burger King??)
If at any time, I ever picked on your ears, please PLEASE forgive me. 4th grade was a rough year and I would have done almost anything to fit in, even call you dumbo. Also, I am DYING to know who told you you had BO!
While we’re all confessing, I must admit that when I was 7 I stole a Cabbage Patch Kid pin from the Hallmark store.
#13 by Secret Agent Mama on November 8, 2007 - 10:41 AM
Just filling the stalker quota by coming back!
#14 by Beck on November 8, 2007 - 11:28 AM
It’s like you’re ME! Just less inhibited and more funny.
#15 by R.A. Weir on November 8, 2007 - 11:32 AM
“skeez, redneck high school”
I loved this! I seem to remember folks actually coming to school with a dead deer strapped to the top of their “dog box”, with their shotgun still in the gun rack of their muddy 4×4 pick-up.
That and the mysterious heard of goats that escaped from the stockyard next door and lived at Ayden-Grifton for what seemed to be a year. Who the hell would put a livestock market beside a High School anyway?
You’ve brought back memories… Guess I will need to go back to that therapist again so I can cope. LOL
#16 by maggie's mind on November 8, 2007 - 11:52 AM
You are awesome. I love reading along.
#17 by Hydes Like Us on November 8, 2007 - 12:08 PM
Listen Mishi- we can totally take this outside. Right.Now.Outside.
That’s right.
-hh
#18 by imaginary sarah on November 8, 2007 - 12:39 PM
I see there is no need for me to gush my love for you, since there are other women in queue. Sniff. I guess I’ll have to go under the bleachers with Bill and his vodka, then.
Also, I’m not sure if I can ever look you in the eye after reading the Joey McIntyre part.
#19 by justmylife on November 8, 2007 - 12:42 PM
That was without a doubt one of the funniest things I have read today!! And I have been all over the net today! I almost wet myself I laughed so hard!! My most embarrassing moment. I had sprained my ankle and the pain was so bad I asked my husband to pull over so I could puke. As I leaned out of the car I ripped several loud and long farts as I puked. My boys were in the back seat and having never heard mom fart before, they were dying to laugh at me and felt bad because I was hurt. They had the whole car shaking they were laughing so hard. My wonderful husband was right in the middle of it!! So there you go, my embarrassing moment!
#20 by Deb on November 8, 2007 - 12:46 PM
Great Thursday post! I love Thursdays! All my favorite shows, Earl, Greys anatomy, ER, that means no laundry after 7:30! Have a great TT. Hope to see you over at my blog!
DEB
#21 by Toni on November 8, 2007 - 12:58 PM
Back in my wild days, I puked everywhere. Including my now husband’s mouth on our first date. Sexy,huh?!
#22 by ~Sheryl on November 8, 2007 - 12:59 PM
Ok, the word “sharted” made me laugh right out loud!! I’m not much of a movie person, so I have never heard the term. But I instantly knew what it meant.
A guy at work told me a “sharted” story last week and we laughed until we cried.
Shit, I’m still laughing… oh, shit, no pun intended.
You are too hilarious for words, thanks for that!!
#23 by Angie on November 8, 2007 - 1:38 PM
This list made me die laughing. But your picture when you were a little girl?? Adorable. Those eyes!
All the pain of school years has made us the ‘cool’ chicks we are now.
Thanks for the laugh.
#24 by Anglophile Football Fanatic on November 8, 2007 - 1:41 PM
TFS!! Holy Shart, L!! You made me cringe right there with you. I promise I’ll divulge my most humbling experience of all time on Sat for Nablahblah. Come & check it out!
AND, damn I’d of died on the floater. I once got majorly constipated during a movie & kept coming back out of the BR to tell Pup all was okay. It took about an hour before I was desperate enough to tell him it “would be a while!”
#25 by Kelly on November 8, 2007 - 2:25 PM
OMGoodness. Joey MacINtyre? I actually drew pictures of him. That is obsessive! Do you remember “Please Dont Go Girl”? ha.
#26 by Kelly on November 8, 2007 - 2:26 PM
I dont have my profile enabled- this is me- http://www.-out-side-the-lines.blogspot.com or find me on NoBloPoMo….
#27 by Karleigh on November 8, 2007 - 2:35 PM
Hmm, this reminds me of one fine afternoon during the holidays at Brookstone, do you recall…?
Karleigh is wearing a lovely floral satin skirt, bends over to put something in a bag. RIIIIP!
Well, luckily she caught it, and her mother was in the mall. So, her mother bought the same skirt again, brought it to Karleigh, and she went on with her day.
But of course, Karleigh’s luck is terrible. She then continues to bend over and bag customer’s purchases as she is the Head Cashier. An hour later, one of her fellow associates tells Karleigh that her skirt is ripped down the back AGAIN. So, for about an hour, she has been showing her ass to every customer when she bags their shit.
Oh yes, quite em-BARE-ASS-ing.
#28 by Sleeping Mommy on November 8, 2007 - 3:12 PM
I love people who blog with HONESTY. I could kiss you I love you so much right now–but in a blog-love kind of way, you understand. I don’t swing that way.
My TT is up:
http://sleepingmommy.com/?p=408
#29 by j. shelton on November 8, 2007 - 3:27 PM
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
haven’t read something this entertaining in a loooong time
you rock.
#30 by Lisa on November 8, 2007 - 3:31 PM
OMG…I actually have to admit that I spit water through my nose laughing and choked on pretzel while reading your Thursday Thirteen!
Bit, I must admit…I too own a Nelson CD.
My Thirteen is up!
#31 by Veronica on November 8, 2007 - 4:01 PM
Have you no shame woman? No? I think that is why I love you so much!
Why oh why do you have to live so far away? ‘Tisn’t fair.
#32 by Karen MEG on November 8, 2007 - 4:04 PM
You had me at shart. For that, I forgive your NKOTB love.
You took this to a new level, my friend. Brillers.
#33 by Veronica Arch on November 8, 2007 - 4:09 PM
Hilarious. Yes, I enjoy a woman who can freely talk about bodily functions.
#8 and #12 happened to me, too.
#34 by ME! on November 8, 2007 - 4:12 PM
OMG!!!! My Tummy hurts so bad right now from laughing… NO more sad Peices on my Blog.. From now on when I write I want to think about the Shart!!! You are Great
Cannot wait for more Blogs!!!! I think My 13 would be so boring, but yours ROCKED!!!!
Me!
#35 by Angie H on November 8, 2007 - 4:34 PM
Let me just say, you are the coolest person I know. I’m so impressed that you shared all of this. I laughed so hard. #13 was by far my favorite…the large, brown floater John found. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
#36 by Rhonda on November 8, 2007 - 4:44 PM
How unbelievably funny you are! I was going up the stairs with my boss: a dark-haired/skinned, Italian, blue-eyed atty to whom I was extremely attracted and had a big-time crush on. I fell. Right there on the stairs. He nor I knew what to do. I think I embarrassed him !
#37 by dawn on November 8, 2007 - 4:44 PM
Yes yes, I shat the table in delivery too. yes yes, I cared. Because it smelled dude. Smelled. The midwife was trying to get me to roll to my left side and I was all stalling b/c I was waiting for her to get the poo off my browneye.
I wore a pantyliner to school in 8th grade. With white shorts. Sadly I wasn’t as done with my massive period as I thought. My mom noticed while we in Walmart and made me walk around the store with her big ole mom granny purse over my ass.
And I will totally fight you for Heidi Hyde love. She looks like Jenna Fischer.
#38 by Blue Momma on November 8, 2007 - 5:49 PM
That was great. Just great! LOL great. Sorry to laugh at you, but you made your embarrassing moments too funny not to!
My most embarrassing moment? Just off the top of my head I’ll say when a friend asked me who was that girl puking out of my window while I was driving down the road the other night. With head hung low I had to tell her that it was me.
Yes, high school was interesting.
#39 by Secret Agent Stalker on November 8, 2007 - 6:47 PM
Heidi, you listen up Missy! I am a yellow belt in karate and do you know how high of a rank a yellow belt is? Ok, so it’s not so high, but I can deliver a mean roundhouse kick. Ok, so I can’t deliver anything right now b/c of my back… Oh forget it. I think she’s ok with sharing. Are you ok with sharing?
Hi Sweet Lotus!
#40 by Ann on November 8, 2007 - 8:12 PM
AWESOME post!! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!
My most embarrassing moment is similar to dawn224’s:
After I had my son, I had REALLY heavy periods for almost a year. One day, I started my period and realized I had only one necessary item. So I put it in and went IMMEDIATELY to Walmart.
It had been like 15 minutes at most from time of insertion when I got there… *sigh*
As soon as I walked in the door, a random, cute, little old lady walked up to me and whispered in my ear “Are you menstruating, hon?” I was like, “Wha?!?!?!?” I was too shocked to answer her. So, she asked again! I just sort of shook my head yes and stared at her. She then told me that I had bled through my jeans.
I, too, had to walk through Walmart with my purse over my ass. I went straight to the tampon aisle, grabbed the biggest box I could find (’cause I’m NEVER showing my face here again!!!), and went through the checkout. I even grabbed an extra plastic Walmart bag to sit on on the way home.
That sucked.
#41 by Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) on November 8, 2007 - 8:59 PM
JJ! – with underwear as your profile pic? The love is returned, sistah.
Something Blue – Wow @ waitress story. I guess he fell for her compassion? Or did she have a hot rack?
Bill – I’m betting that Sarah can outchug you. And this is not a personal slight – just that I think Sarah could do that. And balloon knot? BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
Victoria – Yep, WS. In Nashville, TN now. Stalkers welcome! Panties on sale for $1.25!
Jenny – Look at that. I can never stop loving you, you know? I totally forgot about the traffic cones! Ahhh, those were fun times, my sister. And, it was McCrae. That bastard. LOL @ Cabbage Patch pin!
Secret Agent Mama – Yes, more stalking, please!
Beck – I am insanely honored by that statement… I wish I were as adorable and delightful as YOU!
R.A. Weir – haha @ therapy… lmao @ remembering the dead deer and the goats… ahhhhh. Do you remember us getting in mucho trouble over the latin telecommunication thingy? Did we actually say, “bitch” into that? Argh.
Maggie’s Mind – Me? Awesome? Nah… well, ok. Maybe a little. *write that on resume*
Imaginary Binky – your withdrawal of love for me stings my Eager, Needy, Insecure heart. I’ll be right here waiting if you change your mind. *sob*
Justmylife – wow, sprained ankle, puking, AND farting. At least no shart, huh? Hehehe…..
Deb – Yay @ Earl… watch The Office instead of GA!!!
I’ll hop around yo place sooner rather than latah….
Toni – WOW. I just showed John my ‘brownbabyboy.’ You puked in Future Hubby’s mouth? You must have some rack to distract him from THAT.
Sheryl – it is my pleasure to act like a complete, moronic dork for your pleasure!
Angie – we are Cool Chicks, aren’t we? Where’s our t-shirt?
AFF – I’ll be sure to stop by Sat!
Kelly – You would ruin my whole world. Here’s the original video: Please Don’t Go, Girl Oh my hell… look how cute he is! Check this: Horrible, Horrible, Can’t.Stop.Laughing. Did you shit?
Kar – I lmao every time I remember that. Your poor hiney was out for all the customers to see… That may have made it my best Christmas there ever.
Sleeping Mommy – I Love bloggy-type-way-kisses. Bring it on.
J.Shelton – Me? Rock? Damn, my head’s getting bloated today.
Lisa – I can’t help but admit that I’m proud to make you shoot nose water and choke on pretzels. Is that evil of me?
Veronica – You’re the one that lives so far away! Just buy me a ticket to Australia, already. I want to come play! I’ll bring chocolate!
Karen Meg – haha… wow, I really value that, cause, it takes a lot to forgive someone of NKOTB love. Brillers? I love that!
Veronica Arch – no WAY! You met John online, too??? Damn.
Me! – Well, you have to put some sad posts in every once in awhile to offset the funny. Then you shart away for effect.
Angie H – No way! I am DEFINITELY putting that one on my resume “coolest person Angie knows” I’ll need your phone # for references, now.
Rhonda – well, since all hope was lost already, you should have just said, “Help me up, you assbag!” No?
Dawn224 – “I was waiting for her to get the poo off my browneye.” *singing* Have I told you lately, that I love you?
Blue Momma – Please DO laugh at me! It makes me all happy to spread the happyhappyjoyjoy to others!
Secret Agent Stalker – LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO
Ann – Oh, Lord, you POOR WOMAN. I’ll bet you never let yourself run low on super-sized tampons now, huh? In fact, there’s probably an entire wall in your house with all manner of pads and diapers on it, isn’t there?
#42 by Serina Hope on November 8, 2007 - 10:27 PM
Great list. too funny!
I was a Donnie girl (as on Wahlburg )
#43 by Chantelle on November 9, 2007 - 12:07 AM
The image of you walking down the street in underwear and vampire teeth is going to make me giggle for the rest of the day.
I liked Jordan.
And also owned that Nelson CD.
#44 by Moobs on November 9, 2007 - 12:48 AM
Those are fabulous and, scarily, inspirational
#45 by Nicholas on November 9, 2007 - 2:21 AM
Wonderful list! I think I’m in love. But what’s a Nelson CD?
#46 by kellyo75 on November 9, 2007 - 8:18 AM
Now THIS was a great list!! I may have to snag the idea for my own TT someday, but it won’t come out as good, I’m sure.
I actually CARVED Jordan Knight’s initials into my arm-how’s THAT for embarrassing.
I would say I sharted in the Target parking lot 4 weeks after I had my daughter, but that would be a lie. I completely $hit my pants. Had to drive home 3/4 mile with my butt cheeks soaking in diarrhea. Yuck.
Loved me some Nelson, too.
#47 by Elissa on November 9, 2007 - 8:48 AM
OMG I think I just fell in love with you and your blog!
I can’t even read your comments I’m laughing my ass off!!!
#48 by Hydes Like Us on November 9, 2007 - 10:13 AM
Lotus– please forgive me for taking this to the next level on your blog. But I gotsta fight for me stalker status…
Dawn–
you got it babe! J.F. in the house.
Mishi- The only thing you could deliver is a baby! heh. And I don’t share.
(JustkiddingItotallyloveyou!)
-HH
#49 by andrea_frets on November 9, 2007 - 12:16 PM
Wow, I’m totally impressed that you listed all of that. I have so many embarrassing stories that I will use it for a post this month. Sharting while going for a run no where near a bathroom IS NOT COOL. Not that I would know or anything…
#50 by FXSmom on November 9, 2007 - 1:16 PM
if it makes ya feel any better I had to steal deodorants…and tampons! Then I just starting stealing cigarettes to ease the pain.
#51 by DraMa on November 9, 2007 - 3:09 PM
You made me choke on my Taco Bell with #13.
It takes a LOT to make me actually laugh out loud at what I read… you succeeded.
I couldn’t stop laughing. I think this has happened to me once even…. or the dreaded skid marks in the toilet… I’m not sure what is worse?
#52 by DraMa on November 9, 2007 - 3:10 PM
P.S. Ironically, for the rest of NaBloPoMo I am doing a post a day about my embarrassing stories… however, NOTHING will compare to yours.
#53 by Matter Of Fact Mommy on November 9, 2007 - 4:26 PM
wow, you are POPULAR! LOVE your blog… keep it goin!
#54 by Jen with one N on November 9, 2007 - 5:45 PM
I know we’ve just met but I think I love you.
Seriously though….this was jaw aching belly laughing hilarious!
#55 by Kim loves Kolby on November 12, 2007 - 10:54 AM
Wow Lotus! I grew up on the same block with you, and I still didn’t know some of these things. HeeHee!
#56 by Amber on November 12, 2007 - 10:57 PM
You know, I never thought of you as a skeez, I found you very interesting. Got to love having goats on the visiting side of the football field, They had to smell goat shit the entire game. Do you recall the band to trip to Florida when Athena went?
#57 by VDog on January 25, 2008 - 5:04 PM
I was a Joey girl too.
You are so funny.
Missed this one during my NaBloPoMo induced depression. Still working my way out of that one.
VDog’s last blog post..Meg Ryan Hairdo