INSTRUCTIONS FOR CHILD REARING, Chapter 11
*Unexpected Situations, Part 3
*What to Do When Child Attempts to Eat Own ExcrementFather:
1.) Notice that your diaperless sweetheart just dropped a log on the carpet.
2.) Realize simultaneously that he is bending over to pick it up.
3.) FREAK OUT.
4.) Start screaming – begin in normal tone of voice, quickly ramping up to intense, shrill trumpeting – “no, No, NO, NO NOOO, NOOOOOO!!!!”
5.) Jump any obstacles and rush over, grabbing the child’s arm right before disaster strikes.
6.) Hold child up in mid-air, looking bewildered and disgusted.
7.) Run out of room with child, not sure where you are going.
1.) Be startled by your husband screaming.
2.) Look to see what is going on.
3.) Laugh. A lot.
4.) Laugh some more.
5.) Point. LAUGH.
6.) Tell your husband to put the baby in the bath tub.
7.) Help clean the child, starting by wiping the chunk of Turd off of his lip.
People, no matter how smart you think your kid is everytime he does something that seems brilliant and amazing… an episode like this will leave you wondering about the adaptive qualities of putting everything in the mouth. I mean… do our kids REALLY need to learn about the world by tasting it? Can’t God just program in, “Don’t Eat Your Own Shit, Thanks.” ?
But…. it WAS funny. Heh.PS: No pictures on this one, sorry. I was afraid John might actually divorce me if I went and got the camera.