Vote Carroll ’54!
Sooo, yeah. Yesterday you guys basically told me exactly what I thought I was going to hear.
And I’ve surmised that I should run swiftly for the hills as fast as my meaty thighs will take me. Don’t think, Lotus, just run, run like you’ve never run before!
And I would do exactly that, if I wasn’t just so very damn tired right now. Why?
We finally went to the YMCA on Monday.
[I say finally because we've had the membership for over a month. We couldn't use it because Braden had some weird, highly itchy, horrible, welting, spreading rash affecting his legs, and then arms, for that long.
This (see end of post for explanation**) is the healing stage, but it was much worse previously:
We were worried it might be contagious, b/c we couldn't get a definitive diagnosis** on exactly what it was. No way in hell was I going to give that to some other poor little kid. For those concerned, it is gone now.
[And Mommy = Uber Doctor. Don't ever doubt your ability to diagnose and treat your own kids if you feel the "real" Dr. didn't do it properly. Aight?]
So, ANYway. We went with some friends to the Y. For some exercise.
And *gulp* to leave Braden with someone other than Mommy or Daddy for the first time in his life.
Yup. I’m THAT mother.
I have to tell you that the ladies working in the Nursery there are really great, the system they use is wonderful, and I wasn’t worried at all. Neither was Braden. We put him down in the play area and he was gone. I think I actually heard him say, “Smell ya later, losers!”
Then there was much brutal ass kicking experienced wherein the elliptical machine forced me to call it “Daddy” and then it still stabbed my thigh muscles with the knives of fiery agony and despair. I was wheezing like a crack whore who just ran 5 blocks in a broken high heel and ripped fish nets with an angry pimp 2 steps behind her.
At least the elliptical never said, “Bitch, you betta gimme my money!” The Y just auto-drafts our checking account every month, so I never get the cold sting of the pimp hand across my cheekbones.
I hadn’t had enough so I used the weight machine designed to work the obliques (so I can harden up the muscles under my side guts) and then the one for abdominals (I really have a six pack already, you just can’t tell b/c of the ziplock bag of Crisco on top of it).
When a critical amount of torture had been endured, we went back to the nursery to get Braden. I viewed him through the windows on approach, and he was happily playing amongst other children.
He was not standing on top of a pile of dead bodies with blood streaming from his mouth, his head back while he laughed maniacally, raising his hands to the sky.
Huh. Interesting.
He was not throwing toys, screaming, hitting people, or flopping around on the floor.
Really. Really?
Apparently, he was “a perfect angel” and “such a sweetheart!”
I was relieved, impressed, incredibly happy, and jealous.
But it really made me feel good when one of the Nursery attendants told me, “Oh, he just acts up for you because he feels comfortable enough around you to be his real self.”
So, it’s official, Braden is actually a total asshole. But he knows how to fake it in public!
Maybe he’ll go into politics.
____________________
** Braden had a mutated form of Ringworm (which is not a worm, but is a fungal infection that anyone can contract, so named b/c it forms ring shaped rashes) called Tineas Incognito. Be very careful if you or your child have a rash – if you apply steroid cream to a case of ringworm, instead of getting better it will mutate horribly and spread. This is what Tineas Incognito is, and trust me, you do NOT want to have it. Braden was horribly miserable. For the record, OUR PED misdiagnosed his initial case of ringworm as being just an allergic reaction to something and she prescribed the steroid cream. It was only after extensive research online that I determined that he’d had ringworm which had been mutated to Tineas Incognito. I went to the grocery store and purchased Lamisil. That knocked it out wonderfully. Hope that helps anyone looking for the cause of a similar rash!
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Suzanne
Don’t you love that the kids save that ‘tude up for us?
Suzannes last blog post..I’m Married to a Closet Doofus
Zoeyjane
Same situation here. She’s a total angel for everyone but me. Even her father. So then he gives her sugar. And then she becomes the antichrist when back in my presence.
Sometimes.
Zoeyjanes last blog post..Pride, Pee and the Pursuit of Rent.
Kat
Oh, that “real self” line is such bullshit, spoken by random childcare people who don’t know what they are talking about. Nice insinuation, lady, ha ha! But it is true that we get a special brand of assfacedness which they kindly do not lay on other people.
My kid nnnnneeeeeeeeeeeds other kids to play with. He gets very bored with just me, and is so thrilled to have other little people to run around with. He’s only an ass around other kids when he’s truly exhausted. he’s just way too busy having fun otherwise.
Sounds like Braden did great!!!
And congrats to you on your first time handing him over for a little while!
Kats last blog post..NO BAILOUT!!!
Lilacspecs
It’s amazing sometimes what interaction what other kids can do for a child. Maybe part time daycare would mellow him out at home a bit too.
Lilacspecss last blog post..And Now on a Lighter Note….
river
Geez, with a rash like that I’m not surprised Braden’s been acting up. It looks incredibly itch and/or painful. If it was on the rest of his body as well I’d say it looks suspiciously like measles. But only his arms and legs I’d say allergy. You’ll have to find a different brand of rope to tie him up with………….
tiff
Ooh, that’s fifths disease, that is! I know that rash!
You so did the right thing keeping him home.
All I can say is I’m glad I’m not the only one who suffers at the hands of toddler asshole attitude.
witchypoo
You could take him to the church nursery and accuse him of being arseholier than thou.
witchypoos last blog post..Aftermath
Deb
Look at those blue eyes!
Debs last blog post..Friends and family
Alli
Fuller has always “left” us in nursery type situations the happiest of kids. He practically pushes us out the door when we go to leave him somewhere. He then pitches a fit when it is time to leave. Like we aren’t fun enough.
As for the rash, I was going to say it looks like urticaria, something we are familiar with because it happened to Fuller twice. We decided it was a reaction to detergent the second time. The first time, we had no idea.
Here are our blog entries on them:
http://crumleyblog.com/?s=urticaria
They have pictures for you to compare, if you dare.
Allis last blog post..Captain America Costume – Helmet & Anklets
Lou Lohman
I wonder what it’s like to just ‘grow up’ in the unending presence of THE RACK? And Lotus? Please? Try to minimize mention of ‘meaty thighs’, okay? Some of us have other things we need to concentrate on during the course of the day and, well, ‘meaty thighs’ (sigh) just sets off a whole new train of thought.
Lou Lohmans last blog post..Stream of Consciousness
Twitter: lceel
twingly25
Yeah they love us soooo much that the attitude, fits, and your basic buttheadishness is ONLY for us! We are the luckiest moms in the World!! LOL
twingly25s last blog post..Congratulations…….your fat!!!
Jenn
Oh my God, this story is hilarious. One of my brothers was a real handful at this age too. Unfortunately I don’t remember how long it lasted because I was pretty young too. But I am not even sure Dan learned how to fake it in public. He might have been a nightmare all around. One of his really wonderful traits was complete lack of any sort of fear or concern for his own well-being. He climbed up ridiculously high on things no 2 year old should be able to climb on. He ran out into the middle of a busy road and stood on the yellow line laughing at my mother’ spanic. And etc.
Jenns last blog post..This just in!
Jamie
My daughters are always perfect angels for the grandparents, their teachers, strangers at the grocery store…they save all the sass for MAMA! (And sometimes Daddy.)
Glad you survived and no blood was shed although next time I wouldn’t be surprised if you kick a treadmill’s ass!
Jamies last blog post..Of Beer And Monkey Bars
Kat
HAHAHA!!! My mom hands me that same line of bull when they kids say something awful to me. “Oh they must really be comfortable with you and trust you enough that they can express themselves so truthfully!”
Or they are just little assholes to me.
Kats last blog post..Stewing
the planet of janet
the way i look at it, i feel like a parenting success when they behave properly in public.
even if they save their total assholeness for me, they are prepared for the outside world.
yay.
the planet of janets last blog post..Txting means nvr having 2 say ur srry
Twitter: planetofjanet
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Lilacspecs,
I’ve always tried to get him time to interact with other children, actually, without having to pay for it or leave him somewhere. We take him to things like Storytime at The Library, the play area at the mall, family recreation area at the lake, and various parks and playgrounds.
The thing is, he tends to ignore other children most of the time and just run off acting crazy, and or exploring. He loves walking all over or running nonstop. Also, rearranging objects in his surroundings.
But, don’t worry, we let him interact with other kids. And we’ll be doing it more often in the future. We just don’t feel like putting him in daycare yet, if at all.
Lotus:)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
witchypoo,
LMAO. That was great.
Lotus:)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
tenakim
I’d vote for him!
the sits girls
Your son is adorable. We love your workout play by play and your son’s faking it in public. You’re hilarious!!!
Rhea
“Who’s your daddy now?” I know I’ve heard those machine chant that at me.
Have you ever seen Master of Disguise? This totally reminded me of it.
Rheas last blog post..My 7 seconds as a Superhero
Sugarplumsmom
Ooh good for you! I felt the same way the first time I left Sugarplum in the nursery at the Y.. and she’s over 3. They pulled me out of my first two classes – once for an accident and the other because she was really weepy and needed an extra mommy hug. She still has moments of missing me, but the last few classes she has played the whole time although she insists that she does not have fun.
Sugarplumsmoms last blog post..The Ends of the Earth
Marcy Writes-The Glamorous Life!
That was hysterical and sweet all at once.
perfect
FireMom
The Y has been kicking my butt, too. And we do like the way our childcare program is run as well.
But with eyes like that, he’d totally win in politics, no?
FireMoms last blog post..Holy Giveaway, Batman!
Karin
Keep up the great work!
Tiff@Three Peas
Here too. My boys act up and fight at home but somewhere else they are total angels. I go to the Y 5 days a week. It kicks my butt. But at least the crisco is meltinng!
Tiff@Three Peass last blog post..Wrangle your Hormones
Rachael
That is the definition of motherhood right there. They treat us the WORST because they know we’ll always be around. But when it’s anyone else, sure they’ll take their nap. They’ll play without throwing things. They’ll refrain from using the person as a climbing wall. They are really evil geniuses.
Rachaels last blog post..How Embarrassing!
Twitter: rachael1013
Veronica
Heh, Amy is the same. Sigh.
Veronicas last blog post..Sick
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake
Doesn’t it make you feel all warm inside to know your kid is an asshole with you because he’s comfortable with you? Whatever. I hate that shit b/c my kids do it too. Well, my youngest does. Payton doesn’t discriminate like that, he’ll show his asshole side to everyone.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..The state of being normal. Or a jack ass. Or a genius. Pick a straw.
Jenny
When you compared the eliptical to a pimp, I fell out of my chair. And thank you for the elaborate description of yourself as a crack whore, torn fishnets and all…
… priceless.
Patsy Bain
Patsy Bains last blog post..Cough, Sputter and Belly Laugh
Alexia
That’s great that he behaved in public. You have truly reached the height of good behavior when he learns to be truly horrible in the privacy of his own home LOL Reminds me of me and my siblings (all 6 of us)…we were like that and still are!
DirtyLaundryDiva
Just remember to return the total asshole favor when he goes in to politics and has to take care of your senile ass when he is older!
Tranny Head
Ok – that line about the crack whore in the fishnets running away from the pimp in her heels? That actually made me snort. It was that hawt.
That is all.
Raging Dad
The little turkeys just know how to make you feel terrible, don’t they? Acting like an angel just to get back at you. Back to the shackles in the basement!
Raging Dads last blog post..Lucy sleeps with the fishes
MacNessa
OMG you had me laughing my ass off at your last comment about politics. Seriously, out loud. Clutching my own bag o crisco. That was good.
Thanks!
MacNessas last blog post..Fast Forward Options
Katie
Wondering where you found the letter/numbers he is playing with in the bathtub. I would love to get something similar for my 2 yr. old daughter.
Thanks!
PS — I love your blog! Braden is gorgeous!
StephW
Apparently I was an ‘evil witch’ as a child. (Huh. What are the odds?) My mother said my attitude with her gave me the practice and confidence to stick up for myself. If that’s true, maybe I don’t want my child being a compliant, push-over, ‘angel’ with other people.
Although, can’t help feeling great pride when my son behaves in public. The pharmacist even said to me, “that boy’s either going to be an actor or a politician.” I’m going to take that as a compliment anyway.
And yah, you don’t need daycare for interaction.
StephWs last blog post..If I Have To Wash One More Dish…
ExtraordinaryMommy
I know, I know…somehow, we get hosed. The little demons always save the very worst for us…I vaguely remember complaining about it once to my MIL…..she tsk-tsked me…something about how it is better that they are wonderful for other people and it makes me look like a great mom. Ha….then there was another time she told me the bad behavior was ‘strictly for me’, Comforting.
However…..he is a cute little assface. I have 2. Both have had these stages, off and on (daily).
Nice work taking on the Y by the way…sounds like you did some ass-kicking yourself.
ExtraordinaryMommys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – Flying High
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
OK, its official. You either do everything I do *just before* or *just after* I do. We joined the Y a month ago and the elliptical has kicked MY ass a few times. I had to read the paragraph about being chased by the pimp to my hubby – he laughed out loud. (I think I’ve even used similar words to describe the torture.)
He said, “Is this chick gonna be at that blogger thing you’re going to?”
“Yep.”
“Hmmm…I’ll be sure to send you with bail money!”
Ha ha… Seriously, though, Will loved the day care/play area (his first time being watched by strangers, too) at first, now all of a sudden some switch has flipped and he FREAKS OUT at the mere sight of the door to the room. He cries and screams the entire time I’m gone – its horrible! Hopefully Braden keeps enjoying it! (He’s a little older…)
Twitter: mommy_wins
Angie @ Keep Believing
Yes our babies do tend to punish us way more than they punish anyone else. But really? DOn’t we want it that way. I would hate to see how anyone else would treat my kids if they saw what they were capable of.
KEEP BELIEVING
Angie @ Keep Believings last blog post..kids today …how good they have it
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
Angie,
That was always part of the reason I was deathly afraid to leave him with anyone! I was sure that my great love with him is the only thing keeping me from popping his little head off sometimes… what would someone else do when he started acting assy?
Luckily, he just ran around the room being cute and rearranging all the toys gleefully. *whew*
Lotus:)
Twitter: LotusCarroll
loveyh
Yeah, so my children do the same thing. It’s like cars that have weoird noises, so you take them to the mechanics and they go, “Crazy bitch, nothing’s wrong with your car,” and then it totally breaks down on you on the way home.
Exactly the same–down to the breakdown.
loveyhs last blog post..Best. Poster. Ever.