Waste away, young lads and lasses. Enjoy your time.
I miss my youth.
Now, before you go brow-beating me about how I’m still young, how I have so much longer to go before I lose my youth, or how much older than me you are and yadda yadda yadda (oh, yeah, I totally just ‘yadda yadda’d’ you), hear me out.
I mean not only youth in body, but youth in spirit, feeling, knowledge.
I miss the bliss of ignorance, the forever stretched out before me. The feeling that anything is possible.
With the passage of time comes experience; with experience comes knowledge, understanding (of sorts).
They say youth is wasted on the young. However, you realize, that is what makes it worth it. If the young knew the value of youth – the desire they would feel to have it back when it was gone… they would never really be able to enjoy it, would they?
With knowledge comes the shift.
The more you learn about the true nature of humans and the things of the world, the more you have to let go of the naive idealism that kept your young cheeks rosy and new.
No, there is no need to let go of hope, determination, and wonder. I am wide-eyed at the world still, believe me.
You could not freely wander the earth with your eyes, heart and mind open and not find a new and amazing thing every day if you tried. This is why I take photographs. Because over and over… again and again, even within my tiny sphere of movement, this happens to me.
So lecture me not on being able to capture the wonder of youth even with age.
But sit beside me for a spell and mourn with me this thing that must happen to us all. Some of us more than others, or maybe just a little bit sooner. But to all of us, it happens, to some degree or another.
The truth is that we must open our hands and let the fancy daydreams of childhood slide from our palms sometimes. Some things which happen steal them from us like wicked trolls, whisk them away to dark places; hiding them from the light. Only a child can pluck them out anew and let them grow for a time again.
My hands are too old to hold onto things which must escape them, already. The effort of trying has worn my fingers tired and weary.
We move through life, rolling along, and suddenly things assault us from this direction or that. The human tendency to ignore these possibilities on a conscious level from day to day allows us to function; it allows us to keep those wheels rolling, greasy and smooth. But no amount of greasing stops a rock from throwing you off your axel. You’ll have to reconsider concepts like need, desire, and love when your cart overturns.
It can take a long time to grease that wheel again. I’m workin’ on it.
I’m workin’ on it.
I speak in riddles because the words are too painful and tiresome to lay out in detail and push around into the proper order. It has been yet another day of remembering so many things that I would sometimes like to forget.
Sometimes.
So many things, some of which I’ve shared before, others which I may never tell you. Time will tell.
For now I close my eyes, take a deep breath in, push a long, tired breath out, and put one hand inside of the other. And hold on.
Tomorrow, I’ll open my eyes, and move those wheels along again.
On a somewhat related note: man, I farckin’ hate PMS.
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habanerogal
very powerful
habanerogals last blog post..Bullet Time Tuesday Vaginalogues
Karleigh
Dude, you’re not even 30 yet.
…or you are and you just look sooo good for your age.
…or I have simply lost track of birthdays. Did you know I’m 22??? I was 17 when we met. I FEEL SO OLD.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Karleigh,
Hahahaha. I’m heading towards 33.
But I like the way you think. Feel free to continue saying such lovely things.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Ness
LC, I want to send you something in the mail. The *real* mail. It’s a bizarre thing. It’s from New Zealand. (I’m not). When you get it you will probably laugh your ass off. I won’t be offended if you toss it in the back of the closet and forget about it.
One day, in the not too distant future (I’m pretty sure about this) I’ll you what it’s for.
I mean you’ll be able to use it as a doorstop, or beat your husband with it, or just take photos of this bizarre little thing and then poke fun at me for having sent it to you in the first place.
The thing is. I think it can help you. It helped me, twice. Now it’s time to find it a new home, and since I’m not about to take it with me on my emigration journey (damn still no dates on that one), it’s time for it to move continents and re settle.
Are you intrigued enough to email me your postal address? (Promise I’m not a psycho) if you feel wierd about sharing your postal address with a (possibly slightly psycho) chicka from the OTHER side of the planet, then feel free to rather supply the address of a beefy neighbor, or relative and then just pick up the package when it gets there.
Okay, it’s up to you!
Nesss last blog post..Showin’ It Like It Is…
Twitter: droversrunness
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Ness,
Emailed ya!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Ness
That sentence after ‘one day in the not too distant future’ was supposed to read, I’ll TELL you what it’s for.
Nesss last blog post..Showin’ It Like It Is…
Twitter: droversrunness
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why
I miss the innocence of which you speak. I miss not knowing things I know now. At the same time, I have learned from experiences that shaped who I am, and that sometimes makes my road a little smoother. I still have those “if I had it to do over” things, but I’m not sure what I would actually change. Changing things would take away parts of my life that I need. My little boy is the air I breath. My husband is the ground that holds me up (and sometimes the winds that knock me down).
Keep on keepin on.
I also deplore the effin’ bitch that is PMS. Check out this site: http://pmsbuddy.com/
I thought it was a joke. It even has a threat level like the Homeland Security color spectrum. Funny reading.
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..Parting the Clouds
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@’cuz I’m the mommy, that’s why,
That website is FUNNY.
And I told my husband about it. *cough*
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Amy
Rolling along nicely and BOOM something (meaning the death of a child) knocks you on your ass. I know what you mean~ I have been there, and if I thought I was jaded before her birth…boy, I surprised myself after her death. I look at some of the teens I work with daily, obsessing over a fight with the bf, or haircolor gone wrong, and think, ‘they just have no clue what real pain is’. However, to long for that innocence is fleeting, for I would much rather know what I know now. Almost nine years later, and my child’s death has almost turned me bitter…almost, but not quite. Your blog reminds me of that time~ to hear the pain in your words, to understand that raw emotion~ to not be able to speak of things that happened then~ how incredible it is that you attempt to share with us. You don’t know us and yet share your innermost being. Thank you for being who you are~ that saves alot of us from otherwise weary days. You are still innocent…just look at your son and remember.
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Amy,
Thanks so much for your comment. I find it helps me to share… and every time someone else tells me that it helped them, it makes it even more worth it.
Trust me, that little kid ‘o mine keeps me going. There has been many a day that I got up and took care of him… when I would have otherwise remained under the blanket indefinitely. He keeps me going and brings me joy even during times when nothing else can!
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Drea
our life is the dash between the dates on a tombstone… very short compared to eternity… i pray the lord grants me a long life … to see my kids grow up to be great men and women of God (if i ever have a girl hah)… but if he doesnt i can look forward to a home in heaven .
Dreas last blog post..Baby Kenna
lceel
I know exactly what you speak of. The sad thing is that you have come to this so soon. Now comes the time when you learn to revel in what you have, because it is too painful to mourn over what might have been and will never come again. And Ignorance? Ignorance will never, ever come again.
lceels last blog post..The Kid – front to back
Twitter: lceel
SECRET AGENT MAMA
I’m so there. Right next to you. Holding your hand. My friend.
Jenn
I hear you sister. Also, PMS BLOWS CHUNKS.
Heidi
God Lotus, I am so there with you.
On a related note: yesterday was my wedding anniversary. No one remembered… my therapist says that means I’m doing so well that no one is worried about me. That made me feel a little better. Wah.
Heidis last blog post..Expectations
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Heidi,
Ah, lady. I think of you all the time. Wondering what it is like for you, and wishing you the best. Sometimes I want to say that I hope for the fastest recovery and return to “normal” possible for you (and others enduring emotional turbulence)… but then I also remember that for me, some days the pain is all I have and that’s something to tell me I’m still alive, too.
I like to have my pain and eat it, too.
Twitter: LotusCarroll
Lynn (Walking With Scissors)
Interestingly enough, this post made me feel much better about my “lost” innocence. I’ve been packing around a strange guilt that I didn’t use or enjoy my youth to the fullest (hate the term “youth is wasted on the young!) and thanks to your fresh perspective, that odd little weight has been lifted. Despite all the heartache that comes with maturity, it is a natural progression, like you said. Somebody should print this post out in flyer form and hand it to all the jaded seniors in the mall who grumble about kids these days…
Amo
I had an elderly neighbor tell me yesterday, “The Golden Years…those are horse shit. Birth to fifty is what’s golden in life. Getting old sucks ass. I’m here to tell ya.” All I could think about was my deceased mom who I lost in October. She would have agreed and yet never go to see the ‘golden years’ of which Rose spoke. I think with loss it is the lost opportunities that hurts more; for me at least.
I grieve with you, my unknown online friend. My loss is totally different and pales in comparison to yours in many ways. But grief, no matter how deep, still feels bottomless some days.
Amos last blog post..…and leave the key under the mat too.
Eve
Love your outlook on youth. You’ve said many of the things I have felt over the years, but never verbalized. Thanks.
PS – I’m so glad to have left enough youth behind me that I no longer have to deal with PMS. Neener, neener!
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com
I enjoyed your perspective on youth only being worth it because it is wasted on the young.
I also enjoyed the collection of photographs.
And I also agree about PMS.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.coms last blog post..Was Proposition 8 a sinister win? Or a valid amendment?
Jennifer
But without the loss we wouldn’t have the knowledge of the value.
Jennifers last blog post..Out to eat, Part 2
Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing this, see. Every now and then I look at the past three years of my life, and the loss of innocence they have brought, and feel unsure of where/what/as whom it’s all left me.
Reading your blog and comments remind me, at least: not alone. This is part of life, everyone’s, one way or another. Thanks too for the pics reminding of the persistence of hope and wonder.
Peace to you, in time.
Elizabeths last blog post..Monrovia Nurseries
Tranny Head
You know what I miss about those high school and college days? The feeling of invincibility. You know – the feeling that you would never have a health problem and that you were so young and healthy. Once you become a parent, you worry about getting sick. Anyway, I miss those times.
Tranny Heads last blog post..More Moving Tales of Woe
Jesnicole
I DEFINITELY APPRECIATE THIS POST. I HAVE BEEN BOTH DEALING WITH, AND WRITING ABOUT GRIEF FOR OVER A YEAR NOW. LOSING MY MOMMA, WHO WAS MY BEST FRIEND, ROCKED MY WORLD IN WAYS I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. THE SAD THING ABOUT GRIEF IS THAT SINCE SO MANY PEOPLE DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, THEY DO NOTHING. THEY DON’T REALLY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ONE’S GRIEF…(OR SO THAT’S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE…)…..IT’S MUCH EASIER TO SWEEP IT ALL UNDER THE HUGE RUG AND STOMP ON IT. IF YOU’RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT IN DEPTH….BUT HAVING SOMEONE SAY “I’M THERE FOR YOU”….OH MY GOODNESS, THOSE LITTLE WORDS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE FOR ME. THIS IS MY SMALL, I’M SURE INADEQUATE, BUT SINCERE WAY OF TELLING YOU THE SAME. I’M THERE WITH YOU, SPOT ON WITH THE FEELINGS YOU DESCRIBED IN THIS POST. THIS IS ALL I’VE BEEN CLINGING TO SINCE DECEMBER 4, 2007: “BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO MOURN, FOR THEY SHALL BE COMFORTED.” -MATTHEW 5:4-
fruitlady
This is my favorite line…
“My hands are too old to hold onto things which must escape them, already. The effort of trying has worn my fingers tired and weary.”
You could have just written that and said it all. It was all beautiful though.
fruitladys last blog post..Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Loralee
I’ve been old and worn so damn long I don’t even know if I was ever young.
If that makes sense.
Loralees last blog post..Truthiness in tummies and in dirty bathroom mirrors. (And in fugly, mismatched outfits if you want to get all technical about it.)
Elizabeth Barrette
That feeling of knowing too much is easily fixed by tackling a new hobby or other interest.
This is how I came to have a LiveJournal icon that says “There is now a Level Zero.” I put it on posts relating to learning about WordPress blog design. That level of computer manipulation is mostly over my head.
Elizabeth Barrettes last blog post..Preparing for Ostara
Paul U
Now that you have mention it, I feel that I miss my youth too.
Paul Us last blog post..Announcing my contest
Mel @ A Box of Chocolates
That was a thought provoking piece! I agree that we still have much ahead of us, but there are also many experiences that we lived through that have changed our outlook on life. Some of the youthful mystery has been unveiled!
Mel @ A Box of Chocolatess last blog post..Sunday Linkage
The Laundress ~JJ!
This post. I get it.
I love it.
You inspire me.
The Laundress ~JJ!s last blog post..Hello Out There