When I hated both my vagina and my mom, simultaneously.
I remember when I first started getting armpit hair.
I was mortified.
My mom? Was excited.
I was sitting on her bed, with my hands behind my head, all chilled out, leaning back. I can remember her noticing the armpit hair and pointing it out, smiling and gesturing. The expression on my face had to have been one of complete and total terror. She, on the other hand, was dangerously close to suggesting we should have a parade for my pit hair.
I could see myself on the lead Pit Hair Parade! float, my arms strapped up and to the sides. Large spotlights would aim at my pits and flower adorned arrows would be positioned to point right at the tiny hairs there, in case people were not aware that LOTUS.HAS.PIT.HAIR.NOW!!!
I slapped my arms down, and tried to change the subject, while mentally willing with all my might that time would just stop. Maybe God really did exist and I could pray to him right now to erase this?
Because it was embarassing.
Of course, at that age, at a moment like that, you think nothing could be worse.
But, of course, you are WRONG.
Because then? You have your period. Because that’s what happens to girls. At some point, your cooter’s gonna bleed, and you’re going to have to tell someone so you can take care of that problem before it really gets out of hand.
And it’s NEVER NOT EMBARASSING.
No. Nope. Shut up. Don’t tell me your wonderful story of Not Embarassing First Period Having. Just stick your hands in your pockets and whistle while you tell yourself that you were about to tell me a big, fat, horrible LIE and think about how you’re sorry.
So, um, anyway. Who do you tell? If you’re like me, you tell your mother. And you don’t enjoy it. But you get it over with, and then you expect it to go away.
You don’t expect to be washing the dishes after dinner, minding your own business, and have your mother practically float into the room on her Mommy Pride and gush about it to the two MALE, European houseguests sitting at the kitchen table.
They speak very little English, but you quickly see that they have perfected that Creepy Guy Look Of Knowing And Thinking Ew Things, because they are aiming it right at you. Picture it, right now. If your skin didn’t crawl, you don’t know what I’m talking about.
I.Couldn’t.Believe.She.Had.Done.That.
She CLEARLY hated me. I was SURE of it.
I just wanted to DIE.
And reflecting back upon these things now, I have to tell you that I still *cringe* when I remember this stuff. But now I also get it. I have an idea of how she felt. I feel it every time I see evidence of Braden growing and changing. Each little example of him becoming and experiencing and doing and being? I want to tell everyone! And, well, it’s clear that I overshare. I mean, a large majority of you have seen my kid’s hind quarters. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve already laid the groundwork for putting Braden in situations where he’ll just want to DIE.
But one day, maybe, he’ll get it, too.
I’m just thankful my mom never had a website.
Braden’s in for it. 
Happy Mother’s Day to all you lovely and wonderful mothers out there. Keep being proud – they’ll get over it.
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My mum left home when I was little so I had to tel l*gulp* my dad, who then handed me money and told me to go to the shop and get what I needed. I WAS ELEVEN!! I had NO IDEA what I needed. Thankfully the shop assistant was an older woman who was prepared to spend a bit of time listening to me whispering and helped me out nicely. even to the point of telling me that “it” would happen again next month and I should buy the necessary items a few days in advance.
Kat
It WAS embarrassing! But my god-daughter? Is a different story. I’ve asked her how she can NOT be embarrassed about growing boobs hair and all that stuff, when everyone else finds it embarrassing & she says, “Its just NOT embarrassing! Its fun to grow up. Its cool!” But she’s a weird one.
I’m kinda mad at your mom for blurting about your period to the two European guests. She should totally apologize for that one. That was bad. Don’t forget that when you have a daughter one day! Sheesh.
Mutti
I’ll ask Vati to show me how to set up a website to post those pictures of your puberty, and the chickenpox too. I was so proud when you got the chickenpox. Of course a really devoted daughter would get the cowpox for her mum. What was that you got from messing around with sheep?
Liebe,
Mutti
Junebug
Embarrassing about the Europeans. Tell me, is Mutti really your mother?
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Veronica
HAHAHAHA.
I would have died. Mine wasn’t too bad, telling Mum, but then she promptly told my Dad and Nan and that was weird.
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Eve
My mom came from a family where everything was considered embarrassing. She determined not to be so uptight with her daughters, but she retained her discretion, so did not embarrass us. And she made sure we were well-informed in advance so when it happened we could cope with it with a measure of aplomb.
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the planet of janet
back at ya, baby.
happy mom’s day to you ….
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lilacspecs
I got mine at soccer camp. I had to tell all my peers before I could tell my mom. And I was wearing white shorts…and it was raining.
And I dunno, if I have girls I’m prepared for the period speech but if I have boys, I might cry at nocturnal emissions.
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frogpondsrock
Veronica I swore your Nan and your Father to absolute secrecy….
I needed to tell your Nan , It is really weird when your daughter gets her period for the first time.It is such a loss of innocence thing. I felt really sad when you got your period.
And your father needed to prepare himself for two hormonal women in the house. He did buy you chocolate.. but I think that was a survival tactic on his part…
Ooops sorry Lotus lol
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MizFit
women you crack me the hell UP (and you had me at the post-title)
my Tornado shall hate me some day as well….my personal blog is slowly starting to add WAY too many members
have a great weekend.
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Marylin
Hehe that was a hilarious read – sorry!
My mum promptly told my dad, but I think that was more for similar reasons that Kim posted^^
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Rebecca
Happy Mother’s Day to you, too.
I first got my period in 1988, the summer before I started 8th grade. I was 13. I had to ask my YOUNGER SISTER if what I had “gotten” was, indeed, my period. (She got her period when she was 10.) Indeed, it was.
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Kay
Karleigh is so excited to see you!
Michelle
Have a great Mother’s Day with Braden.
I’m sure he’ll forgive you for the photos, once he has a camera of his own…
rachel
I am so rolling! Thanks for the walk down memory lane. I remember when my middle brother got armpit hair, I had friends over and we walked into the kitchen to find her inspecting his pits. He was mortified, I was blissfully gleeful and embarrassed all at the same time.
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BeThisWay
My sister was one of those crazy girls who was happy. She was so thrilled she called my Dad, “Daddy! I’m a WOMAN!”. Dad says my stepmother handed him a drink and a chair before she’d let him hear the news. Both were apparently needed.
I, on the other hand, had the proper please-just-let-the-earth-open-up-and-swallow me reaction. I didn’t think thoughts of, “I am now a WOMAN! Hear me roar!!!” I had thoughts of, “I’m going to feel like THIS every month for the next 40 years? And I can’t go swimming (in those days that was the prevailing wisdom)?!?!? This sucks!!!!!!!!!!
When my Mom suggested I call my Dad I declined with all of the thirteen-year-old newly hormonal disgust I could convey. My Dad tells me he wondered when he didn’t get a phone call, so he checked with my sister when I was seventeen so as not to embarrass me.
Thank G-d.
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Z
I so clearly remember the first time I got my period and how completely awful it was… And while I know this is true for the majority of girls, it’s always nice to be reminded that I wasn’t the only one to be so mortified by it…
And on that note (I guess) – Happy Mother’s Day to you!
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Law Student Hot Mama
OMG – I first got my period when I was visiting my clearly menopausal aunt. My mom was 500 miles away! There was NO way I could ask this ancient aunt if she had any tampons. So I just wadded up toilet paper and hoped for the best.
It was a HORROR SHOW!
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Taz
heh..
my dad found out i had mine before mum..
long story..
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Memarie Lane
When I was 12 my mom asked me if I had any pubic chair yet. I was like OMG WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!
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Danielle
Try being at your grandparents for the summer with your cousins….no one is around…except Grandpa…who tells you to sit down on the toilet and wait for him to get back from the store. Let’s just say our relationship has never quite been the same!
I’m with you on enjoying all things embarrassing for your kids, though!
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Angeline
*laugh* funny….
my mom couldn’t care if I died anyway…what’s more about pit hair that’s hardly seen under my tees…nah…
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A Whole Lot of Nothing
OH.
MY.
SQUISHY BUTT!
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Ree
I was just pissed that Mom made me wear pads instead of tampons for the first two periods.
And nom nom nom on that butt.
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Connie
Well written Lotus & I think we *all* can relate to this, being women & all
And you’re right, today’s kiddies have it way worse than we did because now we have our blogs/websites to broadcast 
Hope you have a terrific Mother’s Day
Connie’s last blog post..I’m still here…
AmyM
OMG! I started in 8th grade and it was horrible. I couldn’t talk to my mom. My parents were divorced, my mom was not a Real Mom and my dad was one of those men who refuse to buy feminine products. So I had to suck it up and buy my own stuff from the beginning. I would always walk around the pharmacy 3 or 4 times to make sure that no one I knew was in there.
I wore pads for my first few periods because I was afraid of tampons. But then feeling the bunchy feeling of a ginormous pad and always thinking that I placed it back too far on my underwear and people could totally see it through my pants… made me get over the tampon fear real quick.
I later started using the “I need money for tampons” excuse to get money from my dad. It worked great. It was the only time he would give me money and not bitch about it.
Sarah
Thank god my mom was the “cool” mom who was nice and relaxed when it came to that. At least with me, ROFL.
Yes, kids of today are screwed when it comes to embarrassing moments. Someone’s going to have a video camera, a cellphone, a camera, something, to mark their most embarrassing moments and then post them for all the world to see.
We already have quite a few “blackmail” pictures for both Ethan and Madison and look forward to getting more 
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Michelle
Oh Dear God. That is just cruel. I promise to never embarrass my daughters that way.
My mom was a nurse so she tried really hard to be cool about those things but instead was incredibly awkward and loud about them instead making me wish the ground would open up and swallow me many times. I will never forget my 13th birthday. We are in a restaurant with my best friend having dinner. My mother says during a lull in the conversation “Michelle when you want to get on the pill, just tell me and I’ll take you to the gynecologist. I am still mortified thinking of it. I swear the entire restaurant heard her. (I didn’t even have a boyfriend mind you and hadn’t considered sex at age 13.)
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HappyCampers
OK…you should host a Period Carnival. Seriously. Your story about telling your Mom about your first visit with Aunt Flo brought me back to MY first visit.
Happened in PE class. Had to tell gym teacher, then tell nurse (in front of a FULL nurse office). Then had to wear that 7-inch thick generic nurse’s maxi pad. Mom had plans to take me shopping after school. Shopping, out to dinner…sick to my stomach the whole time because I couldn’t figure out HOW to say it.
I still remember the blue-wood sided restauraunt & I finally said it at dinner. Ugh.
And then there was the time our 8th grade Honors class was going to the lake for a field trip to swim, & I had to ask Mom about tampons.
Ain’t being a girl swell?
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Susan
LOL!!! *waving hand wildly in the air* That’s me!!!! My daughter is 9 and just had *the film* at school. I’ve told everyone who will listen and my daugher is absolutely mortified.
But I find it funny so I will keep doing it LOL.
Beck
I was like….14 and was more than prepared. Because I was 14. So I don’t think I even told my mom. WE’re close like that.
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Tonya
Thanks for jogging my memory! Though I don’t quite remember getting armpit hair, I definitely remember being absolutely mortified to ask my mom if I could buy deodorant. Why didn’t I just go and buy some myself? That’s a really good question.
And ugh, first day with period? My parents had a friend (man) over and I had to discreetly get my mom’s attention to ask her if she had any pads I could use. I’m convinced that they all knew what was going on even if she didn’t tell them.
I say, bring on the baby butt pictures! I mean, they’re babies for god’s sake. It’s all cute and good.
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Donna W
Well, I really WAS happy to have my first period. See, I was past 16, and the only girl in my gym class who never got to skip taking a shower once a month. When I got my first visit from Aunt Flo, I was thrilled, because I finally felt normal.
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Shannymar
I grew up fairly sheltered (until about age 13 where I strongly rebelled) but my mother never talked about “Aunt flow” with me.
It’s not like she was too uptight or anything, I seriously think she was just assuming it wasn’t going to happen just yet so she never brought it up.
I grew up in Utah and not only do the girls NOT talk about their periods there, you definitely don’t learn it in health class. So you probably see where this is going. didn’t know what a period WAS. I had never even heard about it.
I go mine in the middle of the night one night. I got up to go pee and when I wiped I saw blood. I was so scared I nearly passed out. I made the long voyage down to the basement where my mom’s room was crying hysterically and freaking out.
I shook her, “Mom, you need to take me to the hospital, NOW! I’m bleeding A LOT.”
She shot up in the bed.
“Where? What happened?” She said looking me up and down checking for some mystery wound.
“Down there, I’m bleeding a lot, down there!” I said, pointing to my nether region.
She laughed. Actually, she laughed so hard she fell over in the bed.
“What’s so FUNNY?” I snapped.
“It’s your period, hunny. You got your period.” My mom spent the next two hours staying up explaining what it was and assuring me that I didn’t need to go to the ER.
I think I will always remember the first time I got my period as extremely traumatic.
I’m pretty sure I am going to teach my girls what it is starting very ealry.
Happy Mother’s Day!
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Hockeyman
I’m so glad I was born a man! Thanks Dad and sorry kids…
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Summer
I think I really would have curled up in a ball and died had my mother done that. All mine did was mark it on the calendar and I wanted to rip the entire month out and burn it. LOL
Summer’s last blog post..The Secret Of Life
Alyssa
Like it’s not bad enough that you’re BLEEDING, and probably stained your underpants, and maybe got your first period at shool, in hell-um-gym class, and had to go to the nurse who gave you a pad with A BELT, that had been in her office since 1972, and you had to sit through classes the rest of the day with the worst cramps ever, NO! THEN you have to go home AND TELL YOU MOM. After she gets home from work. Not only is she thrilled and excited and blabbing all about it to your dad, she makes YOUR BROTHER go to the grocery store to buy maxi pads for you! ‘Cause, hey, why should he be left out of the abject mortification?
Anyway, have a great mom’s day!
Meg
My daughter just got hers and I only found out because of the blood on her underwear. She. Doesn’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.
Makes me sad.
Meg’s last blog post..Blame It On Your Mother
Karen
I have friends that like to make it a big special day with their daughters – out to lunch, go shopping, etc, etc, etc. I’m not sure I’m that kind of Mom. All I can say is that the longer my daughter has to wait for “it” the better. I don’t think I’m ready for that. She’s only 8… but the idea of her experiencing it at 10 is scary to me. Please let her be at least 13!
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lceel
I am SO. GLAD. I’m not a girl. I am equally glad that you ARE the girl that you are. MWAH.
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Twitter: lceel
Jenni
Oh, that’s bad! I am completely open and not modest in the least, but I don’t think I would ever talk about my daughter’s period with two men!
Of course, never say never!
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Colleen
Happy Mother’s Day, Lotus. Our kids will all require a new level of therapy, thanks to the Internet. :O)
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Sadie
Happy Mother’s Day!!!
Yeah, all of our kids will need therapy. That’s what mother’s are for!! Embarrassing the crap outta their kids!
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Twitter: sadiecass
sugarplumsmom
HA! i remember when I started.. to the day… July 1, 1990. I was at an amusement park. With my friend. I wasn’t sure about it until I got home and actually went to the bathroom. My shorts didn’t leak too bad so I was ok at the park. I got a pad from my mom’s stash when she wasn’t home. Later that night, I told her we needed to go to the store and what we needed to get. She said well.. did you get one of mine? “yes” “Ok.. we’ll go tomorrow. Congratulations… I guess… ”
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~JJ!
Oh My Cooter!
I’m so sorry.
That’s horrific.
~JJ!’s last blog post..Haiku- A Mother’s Gift
penelope
I was just thinking about um, “special” moment the other day, how it’s just completely strange and mortifying all at once, and just made worse because pretty much everything is strange and mortifying at that age… And the way my daughter wails and carries on every time she needs to poop on the potty, she’s going to be highly entertaining when she gets her period one day. It’ll embarrass the hell out of her for sure, having to talk to her MOM about it. Can’t wait.
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RubiaLala
Ugh that is terribly embarrassing. I HATED that part of growing up.
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jenny gardiner
Oh, I cringed on your behalf. I agree, this is just the totally wrong place for gushing…
Marye~
Happy mother day to you too Lotus!
Marye~’s last blog post..Melts in Your Mouth Not in Your Hands
MP
Mom told Dad.. OMG then Mom told the NUN..the principal…who told my teacher!!!!!!!!!
God that sucked…I was 12
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alicia
My mom got that sickening grin on her face, too. I was crying, she was grinning.
I got mine just in time for a sleepover/Christmas shopping with my best friend, who wanted to know what my problem was running in and out of the bathroom all day. When I told her, she hated me.
And my mom was a stinkin’ pad lady too; no tampons, just gigantic pads. Overall, it was just a horrible experience.
alicia’s last blog post..Just Do It
Lottifish
When I got my first period my Mom called all her friends and told them. And then when I got home from school we went out to dinner with my step-dad and brother and my mom had the waiter bring me a cupcake with a candle in it. The waiter looked confused when he brought it to the table, as if he was trying to remember if there was a song he should sing, and then he just walked away. It was mortifying.
Jenski
That would be mortifying to have two creepy men looking at you! I had a friend visiting and we were going to go in the pool when I got my period. It was probably about an hour later when I was finally ready to go swimming. She already had her period so she understood…and didn’t look at me in a creepy manner.
Good luck to Braden in his dating days with all these butt pictures!
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The Dot Makes Its Debut « Are You Going To Be This Way The Rest of The Time I Know You?
[...] at Sarcastic Mom wrote a very funny post that I had no choice but to read after seeing the title: When I hated both my vagina and my mom, simultaneously. Go ahead. you know you’re going to [...]
Becky
*Snort* Thank you! You just reminded me of one or two very good reasons to be happy I only have boys. Whew!
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kookimebux
Hello. And Bye.