When your uterus threatens to take hostages, things are clearly out of control. Menstruation Rules!
- At April 6, 2009
- By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
- In Body/Health, Humor, Rant
25
Dear Internet:
My muse wanted me to tell you that she’s been rockin’ and rollin’ pretty heartily recently. She has knocked back some stiff drinks, tickled my brain with the naughty feather, and laughed in my ear. I have grinned, typed, and clickity clacked away at my keyboard, happily.
She also wants you to know that tonight, she’d love to help me out and provide some great content for you, however, she’s been struggling to keep her head above the muck inside the swirling vat of menstrual hormones that is MY ENTIRE BEING right now. Earlier, she was doing the drowning sign and gasping for air. I gave her the finger and told her to “fend, bitch” because I have my own shit to deal with, okay?
She is currently fleeing from my angry, rampaging uterus, which is running at her full force, prepared to bludgeon her to death with an engorged tampon. It has already threatened to create a hostage situation with a list of demands if it can capture her. That ho bettah run, because here at Casa SarcMom we do NOT negotiate with Effing Terrorists. Or Asshole Uteri.
In defense of the out-of-control uterus, it feels like a damn badger is gnawing on it, and just in case you’re wondering? NO. THAT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. It feels… how do they say it? AbsofackinlutelyCraptastic.
So that great content? Uh… yeah.
Also? Who the hell authorized there being NO WINE IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW?
I might have to burn it down just to make a point.
I’m going to go punch myself in the uterus really hard (knock that damn badger loose) and then look for the matches.
Someone send booze.
25 comments
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Sticky
I would share…but my uterus is having it’s own (similar( issues and I’m just not sure I have enough for both of us!
Stickys last blog post..Workin’ for the Man
Al_Pal
Oh noes! Feel better soon, please!
Twitter: Al_Pal
Summer
Setting down a case of wine and backing away slowly.
debbiegirl
What the flock is a badger doing on your uterus anyway? But stay away from those matches until he leaves. You’ll NEVER smoke him out!!
debbiegirls last blog post..Do You Eat and Love Like a Hot Chick? Find out Here!
Ness
Somebody send Lotus at least 3lbs of peanut butter MnM’s STAT!
Nesss last blog post..Weekly Winners
Twitter: droversrunness
Mistress B
will cask wine do?
Mistress Bs last blog post..Are you ready to become a Secret Mumma Agent?
Veronica
I don’t think it’s a badger, I think you’ve got zombies.
Would explain all the blood and the running-for-it’s-life muse.
Veronicas last blog post..Buttons
river
Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
(Standard line of old time movie doctors when called in the middle of the night).
Vic
Having just been there myself, I am full of sympathy. Cull the damn badger and send the nearest man out for something much stronger than wine!
witchypoo
Yarrow. It was my salvation during cramps so bad I puked. Really.
witchypoos last blog post..Eighty Clicks Around the World
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins
My little red friend has just departed, after receiving several death threats. I am therefore sending you the remnants of my box wine and the few hersey’s kisses with caramel I *didn’t* eat.
There, there…
Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Weekly Winners – March 29 – April 4, 2009
Twitter: mommy_wins
Ashlie- Mommycosm
So, I guess if you start spending enough time reading other women’s blogs, your cycles start to converge?? WTF? Are we all on the rag at the same time?
Is that Mother Nature’s way of ensuring women that spend time together are all bitchy and miserable at once?!
Ashlie- Mommycosms last blog post..Max-isms
Jocelyn
I’m so getting to where you are now. My boobs have started the BITCH SIGNAL so I’m riding the Hormone Rollercoaster hard core.0
I did change to a Diva Cup almost 6 months ago. I don’t have the crazy nasty cramps now. I think tampons were a huge part of my KILLMENOWI’MBLEEDINGTODEATHANDTAKINGYOUWITHME cycle. Diva Cup is also a shit-ton cheaper than buying tampons, pads, Midol and wine.
The Diva Cup lasts 10 years if you take care of it. $30 expense over 10 years is roughly 25 cents a cycle. I was spending at least $25 A MONTH before Diva. NOW, I have $24.75 to spend on wine every month.
Good plan, no?
Jocelyns last blog post..WORD to your mother.
Domestic Extraordinaire
Recovering from the week of the badger myself- I feel for you, I really do.
Here’s hoping that you get you some wine soon.
Domestic Extraordinaires last blog post..Helping bearded ladies one post at a time…
Missy
I hope that damn badger leaves so you can have a better week ahead. And go get some wine! Actually get a case just for emergencies!
Missys last blog post..Where I’ll be tonight.
Twitter: molassa
connie
I’m actually in the opposite position than you are. I’m on month FOUR of NOT being visited by the badgers. NO, I’m not pregnant~hubs had the big “V” operation 4 years ago this June after Kendall was born.
I’m beginning to think that it’s better to be visited by the badger. I have FOUR month’s worth of hormones accumulated & am having a BITCH FEST @ my house!!
So, I think I need a case of wine as much as you do~~just sayin’
To be consumed after my kiddies are in bed, of course 
Hope you feel better soon!
*I have an appt. on 4/22 to see what’s going on w/me! And, I don’t have ins. (since I’m currently a SAHM~Bobby’s ins. @ his work is too high for family coverage) either, so wish me luck that it’s not too expensive!
connies last blog post..Playing catch up~Our anniversary on 1/31/09
Special K
What you need to do is summon some vampires! I hear they are pretty good at damage control!
Maddie
A truck full of wine is being delivered any moment now – not for sharing – solely for you to guzzle as and when you require… enjoy!!
Maddies last blog post..Food Poisoning – A Natural Remedy
Madness
Oh NOOOO Lotus!
We even menstruate together!! I’ve been attatched to the heating pad and snorting PMS meds allll day. Oh, and throwing engorged tampons at the entire family.
No wine here either .. just vodka. And ya know what? I drank damn near a half pint of the shit and NOTHING! I got NOTHIN!
Im going to bed. If your phone rings and its someone on the line requesting bail, in Indiana . its me.
Love
Madness
mommyknows
My uterus could use an ass-kicking punch too!
mommyknowss last blog post..Blue Eyes … Blue Skies
'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why
It really is scary how many of us are *together* on this. I say we find a PMS calender that we can futz into the blogs to warn each other: “The crimson bitch is headed your way!”
‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..I Miss My Boy
Mary
Aunt Flo is such a dreaded family member.
Hope someone gets you that wine!
Liz Aguerre
Nearly peed my pants reading this post since I had avoided posting on my own blog over the last several days b/c I was so damn moody and hormonal that I thought if I did post, it’d be a crazy ranting of bitchiness…and hey! Look at that! It WORKS! I guess I shoulda gone with my instincts…CAN SOOOOOOOO RELATE.
Liz Aguerres last blog post..More of a "thank you" note than a real post…
Liz Aguerre
Whoa..I knew I didn’t look grea these days, but that is SO not a picture of me….what happend to my artsy portrait? LOL
Liz Aguerres last blog post..More of a "thank you" note than a real post…
Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus
@Liz Aguerre,
That’s my dog, The Mexican. He is the current default avatar! Make sure you have a picture registered with gravatar.com for the email address you used on the comment form.
Twitter: LotusCarroll