Or when I tell you in detail about how I have PMS or, you know, just flat out announce that I’m on my period. That’s also a good way to tell.
But you can rely on me to talk about the miscarriage around this time of the month, too, I’ve come to realize. Because, really, it’s actually more painful to me than the date on which the miscarriage happened, this bleeding that says there is no life within these fleshy walls we call “my uterus.”
The bleeding that says, “AH-HAHAHA, YOU ARE ALONE IN THIS SHELL OF MEAT.”
I don’t think my depression about the matter is excessive. It’s not worse than it was in the beginning, but it’s not really getting better either. How about that, y’all? I guess it takes more time. Or magic dust. Or what-the-hell-ever.
Most “normal” days I am “fine.” Whatever that is. Sometimes stupid things make me cry. Sometimes un-stupid things make me cry. Sometimes people say asshole things, and that makes me cry. But mostly, on “normal” days, I am fine. And I think, “Oh, I am getting better, and next time I have my period, it will probably not bother me so much like last time.”
But I am wrong.
I have not gotten past the part where I want that very baby back. Somehow I feel like I should have been able to let that go by now and want a different one, but it’s just not happening for me. I have times when I can clearly acknowledge the fact that I still want to have another child someday and that I cannot have THAT child someday, and so I would have to have a DIFFERENT child someday.
But I don’t want to.
And then I think about it some more and I wonder if I really DO want to have another child someday. Maybe I just still think I kind of sorta like the idea of having another one someday, but that it’s not really true that I actually want to have one.
And I really don’t need to hear any more about how often it happens, or why it probably happened. I especially don’t want to hear about how it was probably ”for the best” because of why it probably happened. Thanks, but telling me that my “embryo” [my baby, asshole] was probably some kind of fackin’ chromosomally mutated freak isn’t going to make me want it back less. If Braden had some type of disease, I would also still want him, I’d just WANT HIM TO BE HEALTHY.
Also, Braden has been extra challenging for me lately. He is pretty much always up my ass so far I’m choking. Quite often, he is screaming/whining/throwing a tantrum/crying. I don’t quite know what to do when, for example, I’ve been playing with him all day and then I’m just trying to have a conversation on the phone with my husband who is NOT HERE and whom I MISS and Braden comes over and shoves a toy in my face. I tell him to wait, but then he cries, screams, or just gets another toy and hits me in the face with it instead. I get frustrated and raise my voice at him telling him to, “Just let me talk to Daddy for a few minutes!” but that just makes John mad at me.
It’s all just triggering a level of insanity in me that I am not mentally coping with very well. Icanhasdrugz? Maybe that’s what I need.
I’m reaching the end of my rope and finding it’s just a frayed knob and when I look down, there’s a pit of glass shards waiting below.
What with my inability to let go of the desire to have my dead baby back, and Braden having been really, extra difficult lately, I kind of really am starting to sort of think I maybe don’t want to have another one, not even someday, not even one day. Not ever.
And it’s making it really hard to make love to my husband. Because THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE A BABY AND I’M SCARED.
(Ooops, I just said that to The Internet, didn’t I? Oh well.)
That ends this installment of Pity Theatre. Also known as, “Oh, Poor Me!”
Not likely to be seen on Broadway anytime soon.
#1 by Mackenzie's Momma on July 21, 2008 - 12:40 AM
Lotus,
I cannot even imagine the pain through which you are going due to the loss of your baby(because yes that is what it was your BABY). However I *can* give you giant internet hugs, and tell you I sympathize, with your toddler plight. Mine has been particularly odd even for her lately.
I will also again offer giant internet
{{{{{{{{{ LOTUS }}}}}}}}
Hugs.
#2 by Bee Repartee on July 21, 2008 - 12:47 AM
You aren’t being irrational. Hormones, shmoremones. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, you heal when you are ready. I hope you get some peace. I’ve been in that whirlwind of thoughts but you are smart and strong. You’ll find your answers. Personally, it’s brave to post with your heart filleted on paper. I couldn’t even fathom being where you are at. I just know it *sucks* but you have good friends around you. You’ll find your answers. You are smart like that.
Bee Repartees last blog post..Why Do Babies Heads Always Smell So Good?
#3 by Christine on July 21, 2008 - 1:13 AM
Buttercup,
I had two miscarriages between my kids. I get it. There are two little souls out there who were supposed to be my children.
But, then I consider…
If I wouldn’t have conceived the first one that didn’t make it, I never would have conceived the second one. Nature’s timeline dictates that.
I also couldn’t have conceived my daughter. Nature again.
I’m not a super religious person, but sometimes I like to think that sweet little soul that was meant to be floated around until it found the body she wanted. My daughter’s body.
Not the PERFECT body (althought hers is just about perfect), just the RIGHT one.
The one who was meant to be.
That’s how I can go to sleep at night and not weep over the babies who weren’t. The ones who died.
Christines last blog post..BlogHer Recap
#4 by Kara - down to earth mommy on July 21, 2008 - 1:31 AM
Oh Lotus, I hate it when you are oh so sad, but I definitely appreciate your honesty. It takes a lot of bloggy guts to let it all hang out on the internet.
Its okay to be who you are and feel what you feel. But I hope and pray you find some peace soon.
HUGS
Kara – down to earth mommys last blog post..What a difference a nap makes
#5 by Hotmamamia on July 21, 2008 - 2:00 AM
Relatively new to this site and this was an interesting entry to log on to…
Been there (28 years ago), know the feeling well(mine was a huge sense of failure)…the intenseness of the feelings will pass in time…you will never forget the event so don’t put any energy into trying cause that makes it hurt more…hug and kiss who you have, including yourself…know that the tomorrows come with sunshine and smiles
#6 by Lightening on July 21, 2008 - 2:55 AM
I believe it’s important for children to learn to play by themselves. So don’t feel guilty if you’re not playing with him ALL the time. Oh, and kids are like a bottomless pit. It doesn’t matter how much time you give them, they always want more.
#7 by Tracy on July 21, 2008 - 3:12 AM
Lotus,
I feel for you, I too hate that monthly (or semi-monthly) reminder that I am empty and alone. No wise words, only empathy. We will get through it because we have to. As for Braden, I have had 3 that age and he is normal, and so are you! It’s hard to be the sole entertainer/nourishment giver/pooper cleaner upper. My suggestion is try talking to John after Braden is asleep occasionally if at all possible and get yourself a sitter once awhile, even for an hour or two. I know it’s probably not in the budget but you will be a better mother for it! You’re a great mom, hang in there
#8 by Taz on July 21, 2008 - 3:30 AM
thinking of you hun..
big hugs..
#9 by Veronica on July 21, 2008 - 3:55 AM
It sucks. It sucks big fat donkey balls.
Veronicas last blog post..Snippets.
#10 by Lilacspecs on July 21, 2008 - 5:40 AM
Well, I’m on my period too, if that helps at all with the PMSing part…we can bleed together!
But also, as far as Braden goes…yeah, I think, if I’ve kept mental track of your child’s age correctly (that sounds a bit weird, I know) that’s just the stage he’s in and it’ll probably last for quite a while longer although the older he gets and the more opportunities you give him for it, he’ll be able to play by himself for longer. And not all kids are the same. I’ve seen plenty of 2 and 3 year olds who are happy to go get a book and read by themselves or play make believe without smacking you in the face with a weeble, so don’t let Braden’s current behavior dissuade you from having another one. Besides…two kids duct taped in the closet can keep each other company and that means less therapy bills in the future! (For them, not you)
#11 by Athena on July 21, 2008 - 6:56 AM
((((((((hugs)))))))) I love you.
I bawled about a thread on a photography site today.
I wish we could do our crying together.
xxxooo
~A
Athenas last blog post..Gestalt
#12 by Lou Lohman on July 21, 2008 - 7:25 AM
I am NOT going to be one of those assholes that says something inappropriate. I am NOT even going to hint at wanting a picture of ‘the rack’. (Notice the lower case and understated manner in which I mention it). What I am going to say, My Dear Lotus, is that I wish you peace. Inner peace.
Peace.
#13 by HRH on July 21, 2008 - 7:59 AM
I remember days like that very well. Totally sucked.
#14 by Angel Smith on July 21, 2008 - 8:06 AM
Lotus, you are grieving a real person. It’s not just a fantasy, or an expectation that you had. He or she was real, and you are not weak for still feeling his or her absence.
Braden may be picking up on your distress, making him extra clingy. And also, he’s at an age where one moment he wants independence, and the next he wants to be reassured that you won’t stop being available while he’s on an independence kick. It’s a trying enough stage without the internal turmoil you are feeling, so I can imagine how tough it much be when you feel torn.
If you really feel like you need help to get through this, see your doctor. I don’t think medication is for everybody, but you have given it time, and you’ve tried your best to stay afloat. I had a really rough time when my husband and I were separated, I had two young kids, worked full time, and I was pregnant. I tried as best as I could to handle the stress and the overwhelming feeling I had that life would never get better, but I couldn’t. My house was clean, my kids were fed, and I went to work every day, but I was absent somehow. A part of me had turned inward and seemed unable to appreciate or even acknowledge the positive things in my life, because I was so overwhelmed with the grief I felt that my family had fallen apart. My doctor weighed the health risks of leaving me untreated and giving me an antidepressant, and he decided to put me on Zoloft. It helped me waddle through what felt like the worst time of my life (at the time).
Finally…..this really is hard to say publicly, but I have been avoiding sex, too. I’m scared of getting pregnant. We have four kids, and we’re struggling right now. I had my first child in high school. I’ve never had a moment in my adult life that I wasn’t taking care of a child, and while I love my kids, I am also looking forward to the time when I have more freedom and they require a little less constant supervision. Having another baby would completely reset the clock, and I am terrified that would be exactly what happened. It makes me feel guilty, and it makes him feel rejected, and I know I should just get on a birth control I trust, but we have no insurance and I simply can’t afford it out of pocket. So, every night, I tense up, wondering if he will try, knowing that even if I want to I’ll probably say no, causing that uncomfortable silence and his physical withdrawal from me, and that guilty anger in me. Anyway, just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.
#15 by Adrenalynn on July 21, 2008 - 8:28 AM
Thank you for sharing! I never hear people talk honestly about these things, and I think we need to be more open and transparent with each other. Especially if we plan to heal. So thank you .
#16 by Meredith on July 21, 2008 - 8:34 AM
Thank you for being so honest about all of this…Your blog is my miscarriage support group. I am relieved whenever you post about it – you make me feel normal. I am relieved to know that I am not the only one who dreads her period as a reminder of what isn’t and what was supposed to be. Thanks again for sharing on such a personal topic.
#17 by Miss Britt on July 21, 2008 - 8:36 AM
I so hate it when I know I can’t make you feel better.
I can’t tell you I know what it’s like. I can’t tell you it will get easier. I can’t tell you “do this and you will be fine!!”
But I can say – you’re not alone.
For all THAT is worth to you right now.
#18 by the planet of janet on July 21, 2008 - 8:37 AM
i have been where you are. i won’t tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel because really, i know that it feels like that light is the oncoming train.
but it’s fresh and it’s raw for you. and telling you that this too shall pass is not helpful, i know.
instead, i send hugs. lots and lots of hugs.
xo
the planet of janets last blog post..Fun Monday: the what do you want to be when you grow up edition
#19 by Stephanie on July 21, 2008 - 8:41 AM
A lot of people, mainly people who have never suffered through a miscarriage, will imply that you should be over it by now, it wasn’t that big of a deal, you can always have another one, etc. But if your days old infant had died, no would would dream of thinking you should be over it in a few months. You lost a child, and that is not something to get over quickly or easily.
Yes, you will have another baby, and yes, you already have a (usually) wonderful child that needs you, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t grieve for as long as it takes for the child you lost.
Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty for mourning a baby that should be alive right now, and mourning the possibilities that were lost.
Ahh, crap, now I’m crying too. Fucking PMS.
Stephanies last blog post..Recipe Friday
#20 by Queen of Shake Shake on July 21, 2008 - 9:04 AM
I’ve been told PMS doesn’t make us crazy, it only lets us feel things that we won’t otherwise let ourselves *really* feel during the rest of the month. You know, probably because we’re women and we have to take care of everyone else before ourselves. Who has time to wallow in our feelings when there are butts to wipe and meals to fix, kids to save from danger and all of that.
No way do I think you should be over it already. Pain that goes this deep has to heal a little at a time, I think. One day, you’ll get there. But for now, it’s totally ok that you are not there yet. Really, it’s ok. Maybe even let yourself be completely sad about it all over again, cry like the day is long if you feel like it. It was your baby, you have the right to.
Much love to you!
Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..We Interrupt My Dry-Humping For a Post NOT About BlogHer
#21 by Mrs. Schmitty on July 21, 2008 - 9:06 AM
I can’t possibly imagine the hurt you feel from the loss of your baby. But for that I am truly sorry.
I know the frustration of needing some space from your child. It’s completely normal. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Braden will grow out of this stage and be fine.
Hang in sweetie. Hugs to you!!
#22 by Special K on July 21, 2008 - 9:22 AM
Everyone copes differently. Everyone has their “moments” when it gets to be too much. I have been through this 3 times and every one of them was different. But I promise you all 3 times I experienced everything you have written. IT is healthy to sort through this and mourn, cry, scream, hate everything around you and the next minute be fine. Just take care of yourself! We are listening!
#23 by Hottdog on July 21, 2008 - 9:24 AM
You’re going to be ok. You’re having a bad day but you are still ok. You’re going to have another baby someday (if you want) and everything will be good. I promise. and then you’ll look back on days like these and think “oh thank god i’m not that crazy anymore” ha ha.
my kid drives me nuts too. i think that’s what they’re made for. and it’s always when you don’t have the energy or the giveashits to deal with them. but that doesn’t make you a bad mom for wanting to run away to someplace quiet or even talk on the phone.
and don’t feel bad for grieving for your lost baby. you can grieve and talk about it (or write) as much as you want. i’ll listen.
#24 by Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You on July 21, 2008 - 9:30 AM
Lotus, I feel along the same lines as Christine – I had 2 miscarriages between having my son (who will be 12 this year) and my daughter (who turned 5 this year). For some unfathomable reason, those 2 were gone before I even KNEW they were there – and because of my f’d up life, I was able to move past it because I knew that there was SOMETHING wrong with those 2 babies – something that made it so they wouldn’t have been able to survive. So, honestly, I was glad they were gone so fast, rather than have to suffer the heartbreak of losing them AFTER I’d carried them full term. This may be a screwy way of thinking, but it’s how I felt.
Of course, when I got pregnant with my daughter, I thought for SURE I’d lose her.
But I didn’t.
And SHE DRIVES ME NUTS!
Even nutser than I ever thought was possible LOL
But she wouldn’t be who she is if she’d come those years earlier, either.
Geez, I am rambling. But your post has touched me, and I had to tell you, you’re OK. I think, though, that maybe some help TEMPORARILY would help – zoloft, etc. has literally been a lifesaver for me. Think about it, maybe?
Hugs.
#25 by Hydes Like Us on July 21, 2008 - 9:35 AM
(((( Lotus ))))
#26 by Ness on July 21, 2008 - 9:42 AM
Drugs. Yeah. Had those before. The prescription kind. The kind that make *everything* seem okay. Helped me a lot
Nothing wrong with that. A little something to tide you over. Once you start to feel okay again, you will not need to take them anymore, took me a month or two.
I dunno why people try to avoid it, like there’s something wrong with a little chemical enhancement to right the chemical imbalance that is causing the fear/depression/whatever.
Nesss last blog post..Remembering the Fluffus Maximus
#27 by It All Started With A Kiss on July 21, 2008 - 9:46 AM
I lost a baby just over a year ago, and those feelings are still so fresh. There is a song that carried me through that time, and I still bawl whenever I hear it.
I have a 3 month old baby… and i often think that if I hadn’t lost May (the baby I lost, named for the month in which I lost her) then I wouldn’t have this baby, at this time. It’s bittersweet. And too much emotions/feelings/STUFF all wrapped together to even try to understand. So i just love him. Sniff his neck and wonder about the little girl I never got to hold.
Just know there are women all over who have gone through this. (anger, fear, sex stuff, more children question, etc) I thought I was going crazy. Literally losing my mind. It sucks that people aren’t honest about how tough it is (unlike you) because it made me think I was somehow not grieving “right”. Even my loving hubby couldn’t relate to what I was going thru on that level. And I couldn’t express it, even though I felt it so much I thought I was going to crack inside.
Anyways, it doesn’t have to make sense. It just IS.
#28 by Junebug on July 21, 2008 - 10:04 AM
All real feelings. Go ahead and express them. We’ll listen and care. Say, the other day my daughter went to the Calvacade in Pawhuska and Chris Cagle was there to perform. Was John with him? If I had been thinking I would have gone and seen them and tried to meet your hubby. Geez!
#29 by Zoeyjane on July 21, 2008 - 10:07 AM
I’m still there, sometimes, too, Lotus. It will get better, I promise. But on some level, I think that it not getting better says something positive about you; whereas my ability to mostly just move on and even say ‘thank god’ (yes, I know how horrible that sounds) makes me some form of heartless monster.
But trust me on this, everytime I get MY period, I’m thinking about it. And you.
#30 by Honeybell on July 21, 2008 - 10:15 AM
There is nothing I can say here that someone else hasn’t already said, and better. Only that I’m thinking of you.
#31 by Half-Past Kissin' Time on July 21, 2008 - 10:38 AM
Sounds like you could use a babsitter (wish I could help).
#32 by Beck on July 21, 2008 - 10:48 AM
My mom was sad about her miscarriage for YEARS. I don’t think there’s a magic amount of time that passes and ta da, you’re better. It’s hard. It really is.
#33 by Kat on July 21, 2008 - 11:13 AM
Giant Internet <<>> and empathy to you sweet Mama.
Kats last blog post..One Mom in the Right – Part 2
#34 by Kat on July 21, 2008 - 11:14 AM
That was supposed to be HUGS above but apparently I’m a dork!
Kats last blog post..One Mom in the Right – Part 2
#35 by anne on July 21, 2008 - 11:20 AM
Hugs to you. Ditto to what everyone else said, too. I love your honesty and willingness to talk about it, too, because when it happened to me I felt so isolated and alone… until others started sharing with me about their experiences, their crazy emotions, their dark times. I hate it when you’re hurting, Lotus, and I wish I would wave a magic wand that would make it all better, but I know there are other women who are feeling a little less alone because of you, and I am so grateful to you for that. I hope that you have felt supported and buoyed by all of us, too, because we will walk this with you as long as it needs to take.
(BTW, it took months each time for me to feel anywhere near okay to DTD with my hubby again without fearing another loss, another hellish experience. Months. Totally feel you on that one.)
annes last blog post..changing perspective
#36 by Gabriel on July 21, 2008 - 12:17 PM
Lotus, I don’t know what to do or say… I definitely feel for you, and I send you a big virtual hug.
I know it’s easy for me to say (especially since I’m a guy), but don’t give up hope. You are a wonderful woman and life will reward you with lots of beautiful gifts, like the one you probably have yelling at you right now…
#37 by LifeAsIKnowIt on July 21, 2008 - 12:36 PM
I could relate to every word.
People think I should be “over it” by now and noone wants to talk about it with me anymore. But some days, it’s all I think about.
LifeAsIKnowIts last blog post..And….We’re Baaack
#38 by missy wiggins on July 21, 2008 - 1:03 PM
Nothing I could say would be of any real comfort but I will say that I pray for better days. It is no doubt an ongoing struggle but I hope and pray you can find peace somehow with the situation.
missy wigginss last blog post..Weekly Winners 7/13-7/19
#39 by Barb @ getupandplay on July 21, 2008 - 1:15 PM
You are not a shell of meat.
You are a great mommy and lovely woman. Just FYI. Hang in there.
Barb @ getupandplays last blog post..Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog
#40 by Kay on July 21, 2008 - 1:53 PM
Oh Lolo. I just gave you a virtual hug. I know you felt it too. Seriously though, I love you and I’m praying for you. That’s about all I feel I can do right now since I’m not a mom and I’ve never gone through what you’re going through.
#41 by Mia on July 21, 2008 - 2:10 PM
You’re allowed to be sad, and angry, and upset, and everything else. The world is not fair, and that monthly friend is just a reminder after things happen. I had an ectopic and 2 miscarriages over the course of 2 and a half years, and it took a while before my monthly friend didn’t make me bawl. You’re grieving a little person, and it takes everyone a different amount of time for the hurt to be put to the back, instead of haunting you from all directions (if that makes sense).
It will take time. I know everyone says that, and it’s not what you want to hear right now, but it will get better. If you’re at all religious (and sometimes this thought helped me, but that doesn’t mean that it will help you, but I hope it does), you’ll get to meet that baby someday.
(hugs) You’re in my thoughts, I hope you feel better soon.
#42 by Colleen on July 21, 2008 - 2:13 PM
I can’t say I’ve read all of these comments but I love Christine’s thought…that the baby’s soul “floated” till it found just the right body.
You’re going through a funk and that sucks. But hopefully soon you’ll find yourself on an upswing again…just hang on!!!
#43 by SpEdLaw2 on July 21, 2008 - 2:51 PM
Hi,
I just voted for your blog for Bloggers Choice Awards.
Could you please return the favor at
http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/21620
Thanks,
SpEdLaw2
#44 by Tara R on July 21, 2008 - 3:45 PM
it’s ok you know to be feeling like that. And it in NO way makes you a bad mommy to be frustrated with Braden. He is at a VERY frustrating age. You would have to be superhuman to get through all that you are going through right now unscathed.
And I’m on meds and they aren’t so bad. I don’t think I have basically had post-partum (or post miscarriage) depression for the past 6 years. Generally mine lasts for at LEAST a year following the birth of a baby and about the same after a miscarriage. I’m just saying you don’t have to feel like a bad person or a weak person or a bad mommy if you get some medicinal help. It’s ok. I just remind myself that God is ok with me and everyone else can just shove their opinions where the sun don’t shine.
If you ever end up in Canada you should come and see me. I think we’d get along very well in person
Tara Rs last blog post..Weekly Winners
#45 by Connie on July 21, 2008 - 4:25 PM
(((BIG HUGS)))
Having been thru this myself, I know what you’re feeling & going thru. You have every right to feel this way for however long you need to. Take it easy on yourself~you’re a great Mama to Braden
Connies last blog post..Letter writing
#46 by Jennifer on July 21, 2008 - 5:35 PM
All I can say is I’m sorry and I’d offer you a hug, if you were closer.
#47 by Miss on July 21, 2008 - 5:51 PM
How about I just give you a big hug? Will that be ok?
*HUG*
Misss last blog post..Haha
#48 by cartoongoddess on July 21, 2008 - 6:02 PM
I know.
Hugs2U.
#49 by Allie on July 21, 2008 - 7:13 PM
I’ve totally missed you.
#50 by Sarcastic Mom on July 21, 2008 - 7:48 PM
Just wanted to tell you all that you that I greatly appreciate the love and kindness. Thank you.
Sarcastic Moms last blog post..You can tell I’m on my period when I talk about “the indicent.”
#51 by Lisa@blessedwithgrace on July 21, 2008 - 7:54 PM
I a so sorry you are having such a bad time, right now. I can’t say that I know how you feel, ’cause I don’t. I haven’t experienced that kind of loss. I appreciate you sharing your pain and loss for us all. After reading everyone’s comment ( except for the idiot who wants your blog award vote – JERK), I know that your words are helpful to others who have gone through the same thing.
#52 by Lotta on July 21, 2008 - 10:14 PM
We had our second child too quickly (for me) because some urologist misdiagnosed my husband. He said we better get cracking if we wanted children because husband’s left nut was about to come off. (He’s still got it). So we did. And I hit postpartum depression HARD. Took me about a year and half to pull out of it.
So my advice to you is to trust how you feel right now (no baby). But don’t feel like you have to lay down some kind of absolute decision about it just yet.
That’s it! Wish I had met you at the conference – there were so many people I didn’t get to meet!
Lottas last blog post..Blogher08: First Download
#53 by blogversary on July 21, 2008 - 10:15 PM
I don’t know really what to say, but that I would probably be the same way.
My heart goes out to you, because I can tell you are really sad about losing your baby; I don’t think there is any timeline about how these things work.
Forgive yourself for not being the perfect mommy; we all have our moments.
#54 by Raging Dad on July 22, 2008 - 12:40 AM
Wow. Wow. Very moving. I, too, am fairly new to your blog. I was amazed by the post, and then amazed by the comments. Pretty powerful stuff. Lots of positive thoughts going your way. Thanks for writing so honestly.
Raging Dads last blog post..Short thoughts on a few things
#55 by Karen of Sillymonkeez on July 22, 2008 - 12:53 AM
I think every mom can relate to the frustration you’re feeling about not having a minute to yourself. Well, if it helps at all, that actually gets better when you have a second child. They actually depend less on you for entertainment and you will have a few minutes here and there to breathe.
Karen of Sillymonkeezs last blog post..Silly Monkey Stories: Shiny Red Apple (and Ruby Tuesday)
#56 by GoteeMan on July 22, 2008 - 11:02 AM
I am so sorry for your loss… Kim and I had 3 miscarriages before our first son was born, and now we have two wonderful boys… there were many days during that time, though, that Kim didn’t even want to get out of bed… we decided to quit trying for a while, and then finally ended up seeing a high-risk OB/GYN, who put Kim on progesterone troches during the next pregnancy, which ran full term…
We talk from time to time, and the pain of loss is still there in many ways, and probably always will be. I know no words make it better, but I am praying for your family and for the desires of your heart to be fulfilled.
J/
GoteeMans last blog post..Need I say more??? But seriously…
#57 by Jenn on July 22, 2008 - 11:43 AM
I can relate.
It’s been three years since I miscarried in my fifth month and I still feel the need to talk about it some times.
It sucks.
#58 by Anna Ellis on July 22, 2008 - 2:42 PM
Aw, Lotus. I absolutly just love you. I am so sorry. I really wish I was there to give you a huge hug!!!
Love,
Anna
#59 by Rachael on July 22, 2008 - 6:17 PM
I’m a little late – it took me a couple of days to read this because sometimes the ‘important’ posts sit there until I have time to really pay attention.
I’m sorry you are struggling so much, but I think your grieving is normal. I don’t know what it’s like, but I imagine that it’s very hard.
I do agree that Braden might be picking up on your feelings. I struggled earlier this year with depression again, and when I started feeling better I could not believe the change in my 2 year old’s disposition, attitude, and development. It made me feel bad that I’d been affecting him so much, but I’m just happy that I got through it.
I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. You’ll be in my thoughts.
Rachaels last blog post..The Omnivore’s Dilemma: It’s easier to be ignorant
#60 by loveyh on July 23, 2008 - 11:24 AM
Lotus, it’s fine to be upset. I am there with you. I think that’s why, when Mr. Engineer said “no more babies” I got a Mirena…so I didn’t have that monthly reminder of no more babies (I haven’t had a monthly visitor in almost 3 years).
I feel your pain, I really do. My oldest is also like Braden is right now–and your description made me laugh!
#61 by Angie on July 23, 2008 - 12:06 PM
I can’t say I know what you’re going through, b/c I don’t – but I would imagine it takes a looonng time to get over something like that, if ever.
Be easy on yourself – let your body/mind take the time it needs.
As far as Braden goes, the toddler years are very trying, I DO know what you’re going through there. There were days when I didn’t think I would survive – not to mention you have a husband that has to be gone a lot – I would NOT have survived that. Being the only one with no one to hand off to has to be difficult. Is there a way you can ask a friend to take him for just short periods of time? Maybe just to get out of the house and go for a walk – in conjuction with your exercise routine – that always made a world of difference for me – just 20 minutes to myself.
Best of luck and don’t expect too much from yourself – you’re doing the best you can and that’s all that matters.
Angies last blog post..Fridge Shot
#62 by Eve on July 23, 2008 - 1:11 PM
Oh, sweetie, you take me back in time. I had more than one pregnancy end without babe in arms. It hurts. As a matter-of-fact it still hurts 25 years later! We each grieve in our own way – there is no time limit or rules to follow. When the time is right, you will look forward to another life, another child, with the same anticipation, but still with a bit of fear until the “danger” time has passed (whenever that is). Until then I send you big hugs and weep a few tears for you, and for me.
As for sex with your husband – remember it’s a good source of endorphins and can aid the healing process. If you’re not ready to risk another pregnancy – get a diaphragm, some condoms, or an IUD so you can enjoy this closeness that is so necessary to marriage.
Eves last blog post..Sharing the Love
#63 by Mary B on July 25, 2008 - 2:10 PM
This won’t help but— you are normal!
The little boy has simply picked up on your emotions and can’t help. I would suggest a mother’s helper an hour a day. There has to be someone witha 10-12 year old that has not enough to do this summer.
It would give you enough help to cry in the shower or call your husband.
I found it helped to name my babies in heaven.
#64 by Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus on July 25, 2008 - 11:37 PM
Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me about the miscarriage. It has been so much harder than I even thought it would be, but having your support and a place to shout about it helps!
#65 by Erin on July 26, 2008 - 2:42 PM
I have never read your blog before this, but my heart goes out to you. I just passed my son’s due date eight weeks ago. I lost him in January. My pregnancy was a little surprise and just as soon as I had adjusted myself to the idea of another child he was gone. And I know exactly how you feel when it comes to making love with your husband, because I have felt the exact same way.
Losing a child sucks. It is the hardest thing in the universe and so many people don’t understand the time it takes to grieve that kind of loss.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Erins last blog post..Twenty-Five Days
#66 by fern on July 29, 2008 - 8:29 PM
This is the first time I have read your blog, but I wanted to write. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage–20 years ago in June. I still want that baby. And I still sometimes wonder who that child was and how all of our lives would have been different. I went on to have two healthy babies who I love desperately. I know that rationally, the two children would not have been born if I had had the baby. But my heart tells me that I would have just had these two later.
People do say stupid stuff, and everyone will tell you that they mean well, but I didn’t really care that they “meant well” I only cared about the stupid stuff they said.
My brother got married a few weeks after my miscarriage and his new father in law said to me “we can’t wait to be grandparents and I know that your parents feel the same way.” Well, that was brilliant–reminding me that not only had I miscarried my baby, I also miscarried my parents first grandchild.
I am sorry that you are feeling so badly, and it was stupid of me to tell you my story and realize that you probably don’t (and shouldn’t) care about my story. I will tell you that for me, I never “got over it” like people told me to. I just learned to live with it. It still hurts, but it is not as raw and it does not surface nearly as often.
I hope that with time you will be able to move forward without leaving the past. Take all the time you need to grieve. No one can tell another person how to get through grief.
#67 by Elizabeth Channel on July 29, 2008 - 9:19 PM
I’ve sobbed, face down, in the upstairs bathroom of a dinner party because everyone there was pregnant and I, all of a sudden, was just not. I had to leave and no one understood why. No one prepares you for the pain. No one truly knows how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your posts have touched me and made me remember.
Elizabeth Channels last blog post..Potty Linguistics
#68 by name on August 31, 2008 - 9:02 PM
Hi!,
#69 by name on August 31, 2008 - 9:03 PM
Hello!,
#70 by name on August 31, 2008 - 11:04 PM
Good day!,